Saanams Mind

For the past three years, once a year I have taken a holiday alone , without hubby & kids tagging along. Yeah, the reactions have varied from Oh How could you leave your kids behind, How can you holiday alone, Don’t you feel guilty having fun alone to the sheer disapproval filled How selfish can you get.

Well do I feel any of the above? NO .Why? Because I believe that out of the 365 grueling days of not having a single day off., catering to the demands of 3 men day in day out , I am entitled to 7- 10 days of regenerating myself for the next whole year. I use this time just to review a lot of things in my mind. I feel it is a necessary break for me to rediscover myself.

When on these trips alone I generally seek a new place either with a friend, my sis or maybe cousin. I am yet to venture out by myself as that is what I want to do someday, be comfortable in being & traveling alone. So on these trips I spend time with myself, with books, music & in general seeking within myself what I want to do so that I am re-energized to face my daily life again. Would that be such a sacrilege if I did it once in a way?

Having explained it, I just wonder why a girl often is expected to give up everything to cater to the needs of the family & put time for herself on a back burner. If she does need time to herself & seeks it, she is branded selfish & irresponsible .While I feel responsibility is when you make arrangements for things to run smooth when you are not around & then take some time off, I fail to understand why it is not appreciated if you take some time to recharge your batteries from time to time. Why should one be sacrificial just to be called responsible?

I think everyone has one life time & one is entitled to some time for themselves to seek the peace & understand who they are . I hope a day comes when women are recognized as humans who need time to breathe & are seen as any other living human who is an entity on her own .For now that looks a long way off

The past couple of days I have been glued to the TV watching what has been one of the most sickening results of twisted minds.The seriel blasts in 2 of the cities in India triggered just to create an unrest in peaceful circumstances & create a sense of panic among people .In the bargain many many lives were lost & many incapacitated.Apart from that more explosives have been discovered in two other different cities.

I have often just wondered what is it that makes humans take others lives or hurt them.What gives them pleasure to see destruction of another family, someone losing their limbs,some ones life completely messed up.What drives them to seek power in destruction & making setbacks instead of progression. Isn’t moving forward the way of the world rather that traveling in reverse? Is it power that pushes one to such extremes?

Some say it is politics, if it is don’t they think they are killing some innocent people just to get some  power?  What would the same people feel when they lose their loved ones to random acts of madness like bomb blasts? Were they not born as innocent children, then what went wrong somewhere along the way???? Is it the upbringing? Is it the lack of education? Or is it the lack of sensitivity? What is it that they thrive on the acts of violence, killing, terror?

I often wonder if the brains that these people have is somewhat different than that of all of us? Is it physiologically different that it doesn’t hurt when it sees that their action has hurt some, killed someone or crippled someone.In what way are these people different from regular humans who want a peaceful life. Don’t they ever stop to think that if everybody resorted back to violence they may lose the people they love to such acts of violence too.

I pray and ask God to just either give these people sense or at least cripple them in such a way that they remain a mere vegetable unable to use their hands or legs …the very stuff they used to mess up so many lives… why not their minds you may ask me… well they need to feel the pain don’t you think????Sickening minds & convoluted thinking…I hope when they are caught they are given a punishment that makes them rot !!!

Marriage, they say, is for keeps – a relationship of a lifetime, this is the philosophy of life. Without a doubt it is and rather it should be. And to ensure it works, the biggest challenge is to find the perfect partner or else one will end up adjusting and compromising all through the life.

But then what is meant by “perfect partner”… the one we all keep looking for in all our relationships and still never find. I believe that it is because we are looking for the wrong thing… there is nothing like a “perfect” partner. It’s actually about finding the “right” partner. It is important to understand that no partner is or can be ideal. No two individuals can be alike. Therefore differences in thought, attitude, approach, communication – in every sphere, will remain. We need to ACCEPT this reality. I truly believe that it comes on its own when you truly love someone. It might sound corny to some, clichéd to some and ridiculously romantic to some, but at the cost of sounding all that, I still believe in it and hence have no apprehensions in saying it. However, at the same time I also believe that love only makes it easier, but love is not the only ingredient. There is much more a relationship needs to survive.

And that’s exactly what scares me every time this topic is raised by family, friends and other self proclaimed “close” relatives who seem to have only one goal in their lives…my marriage. Why don’t they understand that it’s not that I don’t want to get married at all? I know that it’s beautiful if ones lucky enough to find someone who understands them cares for them and loves them. It’s probably the best thing in the world to have a life partner who’s your best friend too. But what if it’s not the case… what if your partners not “Right” for you and you end up being miserable for the rest of your life? How do you choose between being lonely or being with someone who makes your life difficult? Which ones worse?

I am not saying that love marriages are perfect because believe me, I’ve seen it all…whether it was love or arranged. All marriages are a gamble. People change and so does the nature of the relationships they share. I know loads of couples who were great friends but their relationships did not work. Its like Hindi movies, you never know what will work. There is no sure shot formula for a hit.

Now this leads to another problem. Since everything is a gamble, and it’s probably the biggest one in life… What does one do? Keep getting in to relationships one after the other and moving on when things don’t go well Or stay in a relationship that’s not working just for the sake of being in a relationship…keep dragging it and try to make it work since nothing is perfect? Or just don’t get in to any, stay single and not ready to mingle.

Even if you are extremely lucky and find someone who’s a perfect fit for you. It still doesn’t end here. Marriage is very much like a living organism: It is constantly changing. As the years pass, partners are not always going to feel close or affectionate toward one another all the time. That is actually true for almost all relationships, be it family or friends. There are times when you will be very angry at your spouse, times when you may even question why the two of you married in the first place? But then it’s a process. Getting past those rough spots is the tough part.

Then there is the big issue about “Personal space”. I won’t write much about it because I think Saanj di has truly described and defined what “Personal Space” is all about and why we need it.

Another big word that bothers me is “EXPECTATIONS”… What if your partner doesn’t meet your expectations? Worse still if you are not able to live up to his/her expectations? After all ones happiness comes from how satisfied we are with our life. And it can be totally messed up as a result of overblown and misguided expectations. Can one be realistic enough to let go of certain expectations? And what if you do let go but your partner doesn’t?

The job will end one day, kids will grow up and leave, parents will part and friends will move on…it’s only the companionship you share with your spouse that will be with you and take you through the “not-so-fair” life. It is about staying in love and staying together for a lifetime despite the fact that both partners are individuals who change over time. The challenge is making it work for a lifetime. Don’t you think so? Because I do.

And so with so many questions on my mind, I am afraid. I am afraid of marrying the wrong one, of being the wrong one myself. I am afraid of being with someone I don’t love, of marrying someone who’s not my friend, someone I can’t talk to, someone who doesn’t let me be myself, someone who doesn’t understand my way of looking at life, or someone who doesn’t approve of the kind of people I trust in my life. I am afraid of being the one who screws it all up, of being the one who goes wrong, of being the one who lets the other one down. And I am afraid I won’t find the “Right” partner ever.

The only thing I ask for is honesty, loyalty and friendship in all relationships and that is all that I expect out of a marriage because if nothing else, our friendship and honesty will keep us going till the very end.

One of the biggest prejudices that exist in our world, across countries, cultures and religions, is that of being judged by your weight. Few days ago, was having a conversation with a close friend who was telling me about a comment made at her office. Someone in her office said something about why women love men and ended with just one reason for why men love women… the person said because they are HOT…so true. Men do love women because they are hot…and only if they are HOT. Else it’s all just a compromise. And trust me I am not being bitter and its not that I have not met men who don’t fall in love with the not so thin and not so hot women, but then like I always say – Exceptions are not examples.

Have you ever been guilty of judging someone by his or her weight? Have you ever preferred a person who had an hour glass figures or the perfect V-shape built, over someone who totally blew you away with his or her personality, honesty, genuineness, caring attitude and great sense of humor. But you ignored them for someone who looked better; despite the fact that the not so hot one was the best PERSON you ever met?

Its funny how it applies more to women…I have met so many over weight as well as under weight men who are nowhere close to being the perfect hunks, but when it comes to the women they want, she should be the perfect face with the perfect body. Doesn’t matter how they look and what they weigh! It’s all about the women they want.

I have not been able to understand till date why this is such a big issue and why someone “not so thin” is looked “down” upon, sometimes even by their very own friends. And it’s said with such a sneer as if it’s the biggest sin one could commit and so I should go kill myself for the shame of my pants being too tight.

I guess in today’s age, time is also an issue. There are too many options and too many people to look at and not enough time to REALLY know them. Therefore in the channel surfing way of life today, if you don’t like the look of someone, you switch the channel and move away.

And to all the girls and boys, who really do suffer from a low self-esteem because of this prejudice, let me tell you, you yourself are prejudiced about it and you are equally to be blamed. If you are a person who lets others make you feel any lesser because of your weigh, if someone makes you feel like you have to be overly thin and look like a super model and that looking and living like a real person is a shameful condition, then it’s a prejudice you have against yourself.

And to all those so called friends who say “you will look great if you would lose a few pounds” or something like “hey don’t worry, you will find someone someday”, well you are prejudiced too…you may be the best friend but that doesn’t change it someone’s views about your prejudice against them. To them I say…”Don’t worry, I’m sure someone will come along who’ll be glad to put up with your hateful personality for a chance to get a hold of your body. If it hasn’t aged or gained any weight, that is!”

One should be proud of themselves instead of letting other’s hateful comments put them down. I’ve always believed that I am who I am, if you like it, good for you and if you don’t, good for me. I’m not the kind to take other’s comment so seriously about the way I look or the way I should look. If I’m comfortable in my own skin, then that’s all that matters.

Be yourself and you’ll always attract more people than being someone fake with a hot body. What counts is yourself inside, not the way you look or how much you weigh. One should never judge a book by its cover, isn’t that what we’re always told?

A very beautiful and lovely friend said something very beautiful today and I wanted to add that here for you all to think about, “You should take pride in who you are so why does prejudice come in the way of pride?” A very thoughtful thought, something I think we should all think about. Why do we let people get to us even when we claim to be strong? What makes us want to react to them?

Have you in your life ever placed your trust & confidence in somebody only to have regretted it???Have you completely opened up your mind & thoughts to somebody only to have it thrown at you when difference of opinions crop up. What is it about humans that we have it in us to hurt another, Lash out or taunt someone specially with whatever is said in confidence ?

Over the past few years I have learnt a few things should never be shared with anybody specially with your partner.We often think in a relationship honesty works, yes it does when folks are mature enough to deal with truths.But more often than not, people cannot handle honesty, so the issues that you have confided in that person comes up to hit you. Your past relationships if any, past boyfriends, girlfriends etc.Often most of us feel complete honesty works but from all my friends, from my experiences I have seen how this can boomerang at the most unlikely time… Specially when you have an argument. Your past is best kept in the past. Don’t have to talk about it.

Finances are another no no.Discussing your financial issues , be it with friends or family is best not done.You may have a lot of financial constraints or problems but to talk about it is no good .If you are doing well & talk about how well you are doing that can make you look like a brag too. So would it be wise to talk about it?

Don’t confide in anybody about what others have asked you not to talk about.When you divulge in others secrets it reflects on the kind of a friend you can be.If you have something confidential regarding your work too don’t confide in anybody about it.You never know from one mouth to another where it ends & you definitely will lose your friends or your job if it is noticed you cant keep anything to yourself.

Apart from that when in a relationship certain things are better left unsaid, apart from past relationships,don’t speak about family skeletons, because ultimately it will be …you cant get along with your own family, so you have issues. Don’t ever openly say you find some friend of theirs hot because every time you go out n that person is in the vicinity you will be under a scanner.

First of all be careful who you choose to confide in & if there are things you can keep to yourself, do it.Because no one can keep your secrets better than you do.If you prefer being honest & open, like I do, then prepare yourself to deal with the flip side of it as well.

A lesson life has taught me well is that there is nothing bigger than forgiveness.

Based on what you think is right and what you think is wrong, you think that you will never make a particular kind of mistake and you never forgive people who make that mistake. You don’t even want to hear their side of the story. And then one day, unknowingly, you make the small mistake, which looks like a big sin. Sometime you don’t even make that mistake but the person closest to you misunderstands you and thinks that you have because all circumstances and situation make it look like that you are the culprit, even though you are not. And then you want them to listen to your side of the story and expect them understand and to forgive and forget. But they don’t. You have not ten but hundreds of reason to justify yourself, all of them as authentic as your mistake and your plea for forgiveness, but it doesn’t matter. You change and everyone’s perspective about you changes as well. The people, who said they will always be by your side and will love you forever, change. They won’t listen to you; they don’t want to understand you anymore. They won’t forget. And why should they? After all, there is nothing in this world that can be termed as selfless or unconditional, especially not love.

You give your all to the one you love. You may give your life to a relationship. But it doesn’t matter. An investment of a long period of time in emotions, in love in everything is nil if you make even one single small harmless mistake because then, they do not see what you put in and how everything was just perfect, they will see where you went wrong. Not even the one you lived for.

Interestingly enough, the principle of “out of sight, out of mind” applies to every special moment you shared, every little happiness you shared, all the small things you did to make the other feel happy, every greeting card you dedicated to him/her, every occasion you celebrated together. But not the same in case of that stupid harmless mistake you made, as small as it may be.

It’s funny how it’s easy to forgive the people that you don’t care about, people you don’t love, people who don’t matter to you, and people who pretty much don’t exist for you. You don’t need them. But the ones you love, the ones you care for, the ones you need to be there besides you, are the ones you can’t forgive. These are the people you need and still you chose not to forgive them and cut them out of your life. The very people, who are your pillars of support, are the ones you can’t forgive. Though we will never forget them, though we need them, but we still prefer hurting ourselves. They made a mistake and we punish ourselves by separating and inflicting unbearable pain on ourselves.

Why? I’m not sure if anyone knows. I don’t and sometimes I wish I did. In fact I’m still trying to figure out why homo sapien is considered to be the most intelligent living creature despite its inability to figure out the basics of a relationship. Even a dog learns to forgive its master every time he/she forgets to give it food, shouts at it to give instructions or even beat it physically at times; simply in return of all the love and care the dog gets from his master. And what do we do, we the superior beings, the most intelligent of all?

Most part of my life, I have prided myself in someone being strong positive & a person who doesn’t believe in wallowing in sad moments & self pity.All of a sudden the past few days have kind of exhausted me.What is it that makes me lose that zest for life? I seem to be losing an interest in everything I loved doing before, music, sketching, shopping, people,nothing keeps me interested much.I feel am a mute spectator as life moves around me.A kind of ‘disconnected from real’ feeling, I laugh, I talk, I do my work & live in a vacuum.

Is it only me who goes through this lost phase or do most of us have this exhaustion in our lives sometimes? A sap in the energy I have, a feeling of what next, a disillusionment, finding everyday a drag, getting up everyday to “Oh no not another day”.What drags me into this? I know for sure this is a passing phase…..but is it something that is absolutely necessary for me to go through?

Is there any tip as to how one can snap out of it?? My attention keeps wandering …I live with my family, yet am all alone….I have friends, they have their own lives & issues to deal with ….Where am I headed ? where do I go from here? To what purpose do I breathe in & out everyday?? Is there something more to life? What is the use of my life? Life has become mechanical & systematic…Is there more for me?? Am I bored or is this a transition period for me? What do I look forward to tomorrow?? Why do I feel this kind of a trapped helpless, hopeless feeling that seemed to have caught me in its tentacles?? I know there are people to whom I can be useful but I cant reach them….Is there anything ,something at all that can push me out this empty feeling?

Have you ever felt like giving up the life you are leading to do something more meaningful? Something more useful? Have you felt life walking out for a complete fresh start & a new beginning??Making yourself obscure, with a new identity? Maybe somewhere far far away from where you live?All these questions plague & hound my head…as I wander aimlessly.Are there any answers to all this?
…………So my thoughts meander aimlessly.

Do you ever wonder sometimes if the pain you feel is just your mental response? It’s kind of like taking a placebo. Well, you don’t know about the fact that it’s a placebo, but when you take it, whether or not it truly is helpful, you feel better.

Both physical and emotional pain are very much real… you can’t help what hurts you emotionally and you don’t have to see a bee stinging you for it to hurt. Emotional pain is supposedly controllable by just willing it away but I really don’t see how that’s possible other than numbing yourself so that you don’t feel anything at all. It kind of irks me when people say that though, that “it wouldn’t bother you if you didn’t let it” – like we like to be bothered.

So my question is this: Is the pain you feel all in your head? Does it really hurt or is it because you happen to be thinking about it? How do you know or how do you distinguish the difference between the two? Do you need to be bleeding or are you already bleeding inside your emotions? Why does it hurt where it does? Most importantly,how do you stop it? How do you control it? Do you numb yourself to the point where you don’t feel anything else? Where nothing else seems to matter and all you do is go about your day, put a smile on your face for the masses, and then go home, feeling the same empty feeling?

So, is pain just a mental thing? Is there a placebo for the emotional pain you put upon yourself?

If there is, then where do I find one?

Sometimes I wish, to forget everything that I like and everything that I hate, start with a new value system, forget my perspective, forget the things I look for, forget the things I try to find, forget the kind of people I want to be with, forget the standards that I have set for myself, forget the responsibility that I expect from myself, forget that I represent someone and some things, forget the legacy called myself.

Sometimes I think, having fun is most important thing in life, why do I have to worry about the future, enjoy the life I currently have, taking it day by day, no past, no future. People, money and relationships, bring the fun element in. Do I really have to care, if the others are having fun too? Is it not enough that I am having fun? But what is that “Fun”? I have almost forgotten what fun means to me. Not to sound clichéd, I have begun to find fun in things I once disliked; sometimes I feel I have settled for this “fun”.

Sometimes I feel that I am boring myself, nobody else is doing that to me, but it’s I. I am turning myself into this mechanical person. I sometimes wonder if I’m boring the people around me as well. Sometimes my ideas and thoughts bore me, that’s when I feel I have hit the rock bottom. I have got music, books and some extremely close friends that keep me interested and going. Lately it’s been blogging, blogging has really been awesome. But the question still remains, what next?

Sometimes I wonder, what would have happened if I had different priorities, would it be more fun? Would I have enjoyed more? Should studies not have been my priority? I have seen people who were as good as me, not worry about studies so much, and still doing same or better things than me. I am definitely not jealous of them, just wondering, was I wrong in what I chose? Did I choose the wrong idols? Was someone needed to be in my life all along? Or is it just an illusion that the other side is greener.

Sometimes I realize, I am not alone in dilemma, I read what people write or talk about, about their life, their happiness, their problems and their feelings, somewhere I can see that everyone has somewhat similar problems. Sometimes I also seriously doubt, is it me who is picking people with similar problems to read? It’s possible that people are troubled by something similar, “what If?” kind of a situation. Realization is something which is a continuous process, but why is it that it always difficult to realize?

Sometimes I react, with total awe of my own feelings, and sometimes with total disgust, sometimes with anger, sometimes with helplessness. The common thing is that I react; somewhere I read earlier today “I am alive just not breathing”. It struck me, so many of us might be contrary to that, just breathing. I want to add something to my reactions. I want to react wildly, take a real bad decision, completely unplanned, completely surprising myself and most importantly those around me. Will I? Should I? Can I? The questions remain…as always.

Probably the fact that I come from a family where the parents never lived together,attributes to the fact that to me relationships are sacrosanct.They are sacred & a blessing.Specially friends as we get to choose them , so they are those we pick from the many people who come into our life.To me each friend is precious & I cherish them, so it doesn’t matter when I go an extra mile for them.

I look back in time & look at the many people who came & went in my life.Being in a hostel opened new vistas for me & I learnt so many things, specially about different kinds of people. Many did hurt me, maybe because I was sensitive or maybe because I allowed them by letting myself be vulnerable to them. But often I wonder is it just me who gets affected by being sensitive & sentimental or is it just the way of the world that people forget you soon .

I remember friends for whom I have gone all the way , from arranging their marriage to organizing the whole shindig only to be completely wiped out of their memory once they got their new life on track.No mails, no calls nothing.Well I guess I was a part of their life for a reason Just so their life gets settled.I have shed tears, laughed , stayed up to cry & prayed with friends- for them , their families. With time they may forget what I have been to them but to me each one of them is precious.

Sometimes I do feel a lot sad, hurt even when friends take my always smiling attitude for granted. Some don’t recognize that probably within this laughing person there could be a person who has feelings just like they do.Have had friends who have moved on when they wanted to without a backward glance I have felt used then, felt sad but always have told myself that its their loss as they don’t value a good friend.

Often I wonder why I feel no bitterness towards them.Is it because I have accepted that its how they are? Is it because I feel everyone exploits one & moves on .I don’t know but I feel if I carry bitterness I would become exactly the same, one who just looks on relationships as a commodity to use & throw.Instead what do I choose to do?Look at all the happy moments that I have had with them.I keep them in my album of memories & I guess these memories are what I treasure the most & this is what makes me what I am

I often look back & feel good that I still have my school friends as a part of my life.Moving out of my hometown after my 10th, studying elsewhere, getting married, having kids ,a career,nothing changed our relationship because every month some how I found time just to call & say hi , even if I missed a month they would call me.Isn’t that simple ? A call is all it takes to tell a loved friend that you have them in your thoughts & it lasts a lifetime.I just wish sometimes that people took time out of their busy lives just to say a hi, how are you to their friends, may not take a lot of time but does make a difference, don’t you think?