Saanams Mind

Silence…… The walls closing in over me……silence…..but what is the mayhem all about??  Thoughts clambering all over one other to get me to take notice of them, the din they create in my head almost making me want to shut my ears out to them. What.. when.. how.. why…will it be ok… should I…could I… it will…May be..should have been…The words spinning relentlessless in my mind, creating thoughts that rule my mind  right now…their resounding noise and echoes making me restless.Constantly they process all that has happened, what is happening and what may happen tomorrow. I open my eyes, yes am all alone, but the noise doesn’t cease.

Some times I wonder  I seek silence but why is silence not seeking me? Sometimes I hide behind the noise and hustle bustle of everyday  noise ,is it just so that I dont face my thoughts? Keeping busy, music, exercise ,work…. the body moves and works but the mind…it lives in its own world, thoughts …present, past , future….words, memories, ideas, plans, dreams,facts…they relentlessly work on thier own totally disjointed from the actions of my body.

I wonder at the people who say they want to go far away. You want to go far away from what? The scene may change but your thoughts and your mind, your feelings they are a package deal, they  come along with you  where ever they go. Is there an escape from them? They remain with you no matter what.

Our thoughts, our beliefs, our mind….they decide what attitude we need to adopt in our life. Though we do not have complete control of what we think, we do have control on which thought can influence our behaviour. Often we wonder how God answers our prayers and wishes or sorts our confusions. God communicates through our thoughts and conscience. Sometimes in our lives, something within gives us direction as to what is right  and what is wrong….I believe that something is the voice of God telling us go on…take this path…this will be the right thing to do.

Silence helps regulate these thoughts. Silence can be painful when you hurt, as there is nothing that stops the thoughts from reminding you what is hurting you. Silence can be healing as thoughts can help you come to terms with what is happening around. Silence and Introspection gives one time to look at ourselves and see where and how we can change ourselves to be better humans. Silence and meditation can help you grow spiritually as you make peace between your mind, body and soul.

Are we real comfortable with silence? Why does it make some uncomfortable? I guess when you have time to yourself  you face up to your thoughts, no barriers , no lies to hide behind, The stark truth of who you are stares back at you and  sometimes the way you behave doesnt quite match up to who you really are and that conflict may make some run from silence and from themselves.But I feel silence speaks volumes and  one should learn from it.

Anam said something that made sense to me, she says its all because of society, how they pressurise you to be in a certain way and  behave in a certain way. They dictate on how one should be and that may be in opposition to what your mind maybe telling you. So the conflict in how you behave and what you believe, your actions and thoughts  creates a confusion that may make it difficult for one to face up to their thoughts in silence. Could be in a way true .Because silence makes you aware of who YOU are.

As Confucius said  “Silence is the true friend that never betrays.”

Just a random thought that came to me yesterday as to why do we draw lines within ourselves or put up this wall to caution ourselves that we must never cross it?

Is it to protect ourselves? Or is it to minimize the risk of being hurt?

When I was thinking about these lines, what amazed me was the spontaneity with which these words came out. One thing which escaped my eye until much later was how similar these two lines were. Isn’t protecting ourselves and preventing ourselves from getting hurt same? It appears to me protecting ourselves and preventing ourselves from getting hurt is same, however I am thinking, is protecting always with preventing?

There is list of things, which I protect myself from. But when I have to think about pain, I feel I never went into the way of ‘protection’.  May be because of this I always landed somehow in ‘pain’. For me ‘protecting yourself’ needs much more courage than to think about pain for which I am not sure whether it will come or not. Pain is always welcome, but the way should be very beautiful from where it would come

When I say minimize the risk of being hurt, what I am really trying to say is trying to prevent pain that it would bring to me. Somehow my mind seems to have given a special stature to pain, from the rest of things from which I want to protect myself.

So what are the “other” things here, what do we really protect ourselves from? I thought about these possible things

• Loss of direction in life
• Greediness
• Bad company
• Waste of time
• Regret
• Overweight
• Underweight
• Loss of power
• Loss of dignity
• Madness for fame and money
• Losing humanity

In a way all of these would eventually end up hurting us in a way or other, causing pain. So what was my mind really thinking about, is it all we want to protect ourselves from, pain? Are we so afraid of the pain?

Saanj di and Renu di said something very thoughtful as I was discussing this with them and it did make sense. Both of them said to understand feel pain, it’s important to go through the pain, to value the good times, the painless times but then Renu di said something even more interesting and I wholeheartedly agree with her. She said ‘When you hear of the word prevention it can mean big thing as when you see somebody saying protecting can mean a mother protecting a child”  

Come to look at it, our beliefs are what controls our life. They can either create and empower your life or they can limit and  destroy life as well. Our beliefs are what we control and they in turn control our lives. For example if one believes he is a loser, he definitely will never accomplish anything in life as he already has decided that being a loser he cannot achieve nor deserves anything in life. On the other hand when one has complete faith in oneself and believes in  whatever dreams they have, they manage to accomplish every little thing that they dream of.

One develops certain beliefs, because of the environment one lives in, or based on past experiences  in ones life. Sucesses always manage to create a good belief in one about oneself so it would make sense to set some small goals and get down to achieving them as achieving that success reaffirms the belief that you can excel at something and that builds confidence.Knowledge also helps build belief. When you are knowledgable, you  know that things can happen and  that builds beliefs as well.  Knowledge always  means power and that power  inturn helps build beliefs.  New beliefs  can be formed by visualization and creating realistic goals to be achieved in life. By defining them  clearly and with precision you  need to work towards achieving them.

Often we are controlled by so many preconcieved ideas and notions  .If you look at it beliefs cannot be right or wrong, they either empower you to move ahead or limit you by holding you back from moving forward. Beliefs are the some total of who we are. Our beliefs are what shape us to behave the way we do, they help us achieve all we  can in our lives . It is no wonder that when one is challenged about thier beliefs , they stand up to fight. for them. From our self image to everything we percieve depends on our beliefs. Barriers we create in our mind is what determines how far we want to travel in our lives, so when we have no such barrier its not impossible to achieve what we set out to achieve in our life.

Mental acceptance of truth … that is what beliefs are . They are our convictions of what the truth is and they direct every little action of ours. So when we do develop new beliefs we  should work hard on creating sound and positive beilefs that empower us rather than limit us.

I am glad  that I have some strong beliefs, one in God, one in who I am and what my strengths are  and one in the power of love for that is the only universal truth.They determine and make me the person I am .

I smiled at the autorickshaw driver saying a thank you for the ride and his beaming face and ‘you are so welcome’ brought a stray thought in  my mind,  bringing to mind flashes from my childhood and people who left a footprint in my heart and made an imprint on my mind. Ones that last a lifetime. As I think about all the people who I clearly remember, ones who made me the person I am, ones who helped shape me up to who I am today, I wonder if we realise how just a little kind gesture, a smile, an action or a word of ours can make a difference in somebody’s life. If I pass on tommorrow, I would like to thank each one of these people, for  they influenced my life.

I grew up in a typical small town , a simple place with large open spaces, trees we climbed  and  we  had a wonderful childhood  though we grew up in a single parent scenario.My mom, one who instilled in me the right values to stand up for what I believed in,  One who taught me that with hardwork and dedication and sheer belief in yourself, you can face  just about anything. My uncle and  my aunt, my surrogate parents who looked after me when mom was away at work, one who never let us miss the fact that dad was not around. He was the kindest man I had ever come across and he thought me kindness got you so much of peace within. My aunt who after her husband died, showed me that smiling through your troubles and having a positive countenance at all times helped weather so many issues. She taught me how it can be possible to keep a family together inspite of  differences, to forgive and forget and to hold on. She taught me forgiving those who hurt you & forgiving yourself for mistakes made is the only thing that allows one to sleep peacefully.

I had an uncle who wrote books. I won my first essay competition because he helped me with my writing always. From him I learnt to love the wonderful world, words could take you to. A teacher in school who taught me  how I could  count on my strengths to help me build my confidence and  get over my insecurities and complexes. My hostel warden who at 80 taught me that you can learn to take happiness in little things, that age was all a matter of the mind. One who taught me how a lady should be.

Friends who helped me develop all my talents and encouraged me to such an extent that I developed  a quiet self confidence,I learnt to speak my mind, I became optimistic,I learnt to look for good in every situation, I learnt to smile even when it hurt and yes I learnt to speak my mind no matter what for I learnt to go with what my heart said. Friends who taught me that life sometimes throws such difficulties but how one can overcome them just with a faith in God and a firm belief in oneself.

Relationships  that left footprints in my heart……

People weave in and out of  our lives, often not realising how they can be such a big influence on anyones lives. Sometimes  a person passing by you, giving you a smile may just cheer you up or just an encouraging word can do wonders for someones self confidence, why then are we so tight fisted when it comes to showing people kindness, why be tight fisted with our smiles or just showing care? Is it so difficult for one to just smile , say a thank you , give a hug or just say I care . It may be of little consequence to you but may just make anothers day and brighten it up for them. It may be the only thing that gives them some hope . After all the purpose of ones life is to experience the fullest glory. While we know that there is the survival of the fittest,victory of the strongest and success of the cleverest, we are never taught the the glory of the most loving. Its only when you love wholeheartedly one experiences the whole glory of who one really is. Only then can we fulfill the real purpose of who we are and why we are here.

Everyday I walk to the gym for my daily workout and along with the  warm up I get, I have time to watch people around me on the road and some more time for me to introspect.Today as I was walking along, I had one thought in my mind, the same as I have had the past 2 days  , I have this inexpilcable sadness and hurt in me. Though I know why I feel this way, I cant seem to stop or stem these feelings within me. I try to reason things out and I try to talk myself into getting back to my old smiling and happy self, but no matter what,  my heart cries ….I spoke of the tears that never reach the eye earlier, those kind of tears I seem to shed.  As I look around me, I see more sad  faces and  its as if I am attracting such  feelings around me. I need to snap out of it ASAP as I dont want to be caught in this whirlpool of gloom.

First of all physically I have been throwing myself into my workouts, 2 hours a day just so I reach a point of exhaustion that stops my mind from working. Not too good for I have been having muscle strains and  a general listlessness to do things.  Second  I have lost interest in my meals, though good for losing wieght it is adding to the  mood of staying gloomy.Third I have gone quiet and  have isolated myself from the general world. I keep to myself, stay silent with my thoughts and  do not enjoy talking to anybody. How do I get out of this gloom ? Never ever have I been so lonely, never ever have I felt so sad, not even in the worst phases of my life , never shed so many tears even when  my life crumbled around me a few years ago , why then this time have I been hit so bad with this dreadful malady?

I write this with the hope that when I put my thoughts into words , I may be able to handle myself better, just with the prayer that I wake up to see the glimmer or sunshine of hope, I just pray and ask my God to keep me alive, positive and  making people happy.For I have been blessed with a lot more than most people have in their lives , not that I don’t appreciate  it but  right now I feel I have lost something so precious that I may not ever find it in me again  A zest for life, the very precious thing I held close to my heart, that gave me many a reason to look at life as something to be lived , not existed , a  treasure that I was blessed with. Will I find it again soon? I  hope so , for without it I may wither away,  just  another worthless life gone awaste .

Do I have it in me to Live n not Exist?

I had these random thoughts going through in my mind. I generally dont look at people as which country they belong to or  how they pray, but more at if they are good human beings or not. At some point or the other in ones life we across people of varying degrees of goodness and that is what I personally look for in others. Goodness of heart and mind. So I was thinking on what charecteristics would make a person a ‘Good  humanbeing’ according to me. The whole point in listing these charecteristics was just to re run on what I would want to develop in me as a person.

While with some people we see an inherent goodness, with some there are  shades of grey as well. I have been told by people who know me well that I give far too many chances to people even after they hurt me. I guess that is because I always have this tendency to look at the goodness in humans and see any behaviour that doesnt agree with what I would  call ‘good’ to be just a bad day for that person, or maybe a different outlook towards life.

Certain charecteristics in a fellow humanbeing would make them a Good  human in my mind and I list them below…. You can add  up what you see as good  in others for I may miss out on a few.

* Trustworthyness- To me a good human being must be one you can trust …one who would not gossip about you, spread rumors about, one who you can trust with your life. One you can confide in, count on and one who you know would not divulge what they know about you to anybody.

* A good listener- A good person would be one who has time to listen to you, a person who takes time out not just to hear you out but really listen. By this I mean without Judgements and  they may have differing opinions but they may not voice it unless its asked for as advice.

* Decency- A good human being has certain levels of decency about them and wont cross those limits no matter however pushed they are. They work hard and do not use shortcuts or dishonest means to achievee anything. They do not lie or be dishonest about anything or cannot fake anything even if you give them a reason to be dishonest about.

* Generous- They are generous not only about the material things they own and money but even their time and emotions. They have this amazing quality in them that allows them to share all they have happily without grudges and without any greed to have it all themselves.

* Helpfulness- They are always known for thier goodwill and kindness. You can count on them no matter what, when ,how you know when you need them sometime they will be  there for you.They always show through thier actions small and big  gestures of kindness and helpfullness that builds a quiet confidence that they can be counted on. They get up and offer thier seats to older people… they open doors for people, they help the elderly or disabled to walk across roads, without being asked  for help they help.

* A good person always celebrates the success of anyone known to him without any trace af envy or jealousy , genuine happiness in the other persons success.

*  They keep busy in thier own lives to get involved in messing around with others peoples lives.Hurting people , insulting them is just what they do not have time for, and  so they do not involve in such petty pursuits.A good human being would never wish another’s downfall or do anything to hurt another.

Good people always have an aura about them that radiates a glow. They have so much positivity in them that people automatically get attracted to them. They are constantly thinking of good for others and think about others making them interesting people to be around as they constantly foster good in themselves and  those around them.

From time to time I ask myself if I am a good person. If I am standing up to the standards I have set for myself in my life. I feel one can be a good humanbeing and spread  goodness only if we live by being an example.What according to you would be a good person?

Silence heals but it also kills. A dear bro told me this and as  I thought over this I realised there was a lot of truth in this sentence. Isnt communication the key to solving so many  issues in any relationship, be it verbal or  non verbal? It overcomes so many obstacles because it stops the other person from making assumptions and  making up their own mind about things.

Each day when we wake up, we get up to some new thoughts, new actions, circumstances that are new. In each one of these there is a form of communication… a way to reach out and speak what is in our minds.So does communication help even if  we are depressed , troubled and keep ourselves quiet for fear of being misinterpreted, disliked, unhappy, uncomfortable or just more withdrawn from others? Some would agree some would  not.I would say its good to shut up sometimes . Specially when you know your words can cause a lot of havoc and hurt and its better to keep quiet and keep your thoughts to yourself, but sometimes letting the other know what bothers you may even help the relationship strengthen.

Good communication can move mountains and a lack of it may break relationships.More often we see long lasting relationships dont need  words, just a few actions may  speak  so much more than words. But we also see that a communication breakdown can break up many relationships as well , for a lack of communication stops the other person from relating to you and there is a gradual shut down of the understanding between the two and  this can cause a rift in relationships.

Communication can be very powerful as we do see that some words can be a ‘life altering’ experience for many. Your words may make someone change their attitude or way of looking at life and so may do a lot of good as well.It may give someone a sense of hope, a ray of sunlight in a dark tunnel that may change the way they live.

So Good Communication or communicating is an important aspect of relationships for they can make them, break them or just help manage them. Words are a powerful tool and should be used very careful. A lack of words are as powerful as they can make or break relationships, so they can heal or kill it. Communication can truly have an impact as to whether a situation is overcome or not, thus creating the opportunity for communication to be able to have such a power, such a strength and faith that a mountain of strife can be overcome and dealt with, no matter what.At the same time sometimes silence is the best way out when you feel words can cause more damage.

The right way would be to use both effectively and the right place as they can have some big  life altering effects on relationships.

A look in the mirror , and the promises I made to myself looked back at me. Somewhere as  the years rolled by , I had lost the entity that was me. Getting caught up in relationships, family , friends, making most people happy and seeing them smile, I had  somewhere forgotten to take care of myself. Having been told by friends to get selfish a bit and  stop looking at others and what they think I always argued as I somewhere felt  when you care about others happiness, they would  in turn take into consideration of your happiness. I learnt that more often than not its not so and  I learnt it the hard way.

As I seek refuge in silence more and more these days, I feel a sense of being alone. Most of  those I cared for, those I went the extraa mile for, they seem to fade away as they  are so busy in their own lives, they do not even notice that I seem to have lost myself somewhere.So I realise now I was wrong. One has to I guess just take care of themselves. Genuine feelings and actions done with feelings straight from your heart seem to lose the sanctity they had, as no one values them any. So do I change the way I am? Stop caring? or just have faith in who I am and what I do? Or is it that people have become so fake themselves that they have stopped themselves from recognising genuine people when they see them?

The more I ponder over  this and more I look around people , I realise that most dont even give a damn for another persons feelings and thoughts . As long as you are of some use, some utility, they bother, once that need is utilised, you probably dont even exist for some. Slowly as the years go by, I feel my view of human beings was probably idealistic and something that never existed. Maybe I looked at life with rose tinted glasses, ones that I needed to remove.

The sad thing is earlier looking in the mirror my sparkling eyes twinkled back at me. I had always told myself that I would be one person who would never allow, cynicism and bitterness change me. Looking at the sad faces around me I promised myself that I would take pleasures in little things in my life and always be happy .But now when I look in the mirror I see the sparkle in my eye fading and dull eyes looking back at me I wonder is this what life teaches you as you go along? Do these disappointments you face have so much of an impact that they cloud the happy thoughts you have gathered over a period of time.

But this time around  I decided no matter what am not gonna lose that zest for life. I know life comes with many surprises , some more unpleasant than others but life is for living and not existing. I will cherish what is happy and the disappointments are there for me as a reminder of what life is all about and what it shouldnt be like, so its a lesson  I learn from and move on. Would I change my ways of doing things straight from my heart? No, I dont want to change much about what gives me the satisfaction of being a good human being, of what makes me bring smiles on a few faces. So yeah, along with the hurts I choose to continue being who I am .A simple person with simple outlook  to life, to do what her heart says, not to hurt anybody but to bring smiles on faces

‘We are all something but none of us are everything’

Being a strong advocate of positive thinking and  Mind control , this quote  did not go down quite well with me. Because I always thought we can do  whatever we  want to do and  acheive whatever we dare to dream. But Life’s circumstances have thought me that sometimes we do get  restricted by some limitations. Some are created in our mind . Those we can change and remove but what about happenings beyond our control, ones that  we have absolutely no control on. Those circumstances sometimes controls us.

Limitations we set for ourselves I  feel a lot of times restricts our growth. Sometimes it is a fear of taking risks, sometimes its the inhibitions one has and  a lot  of times its the fear of failure.Wha t if I fall? Will I be able to manage to pick myself and walk on if I fall?Helen Keller: said “  When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” I find truth in this fact that our mind blinds us a lot of times to see things other than what it wants us to see.

Often we dont even dream because our limitations put the fear of God in us. The book  The Secret talks about chanellising all thoughts positively into making a difference in our lives. I feel the fear of failure, of rejection, of not being good enough all create so many limitations within us that we give up before attempting anything, fearing how the result may turn out. But unless we take the initiative how would we know what the result would be like ?

So we have to understand that Limitations mostly stem from insecurities in the mind, inhibitions, fear and lack of confidence. Once we break free of them there is nothing to stop us from soaring sky high and reaching where our wildest dreams take us.

Sometimes in life there comes times when things so much beyond your control, you have no say in anything, the whys, whats dont just add up.Nothing makes any sense. You are taken on a ride where you have no control on what is happening and as you hope this is it, cant get worse, the next day brings in more Who or what then makes someone hang in there and hope all will be back to as it was before Normal.

I sometimes wonder, when we say we are the ones who decide how our life should go, how can we lose control of all the circumstances surrounding us. Why is it when bad circumstances come ,they come in batches. Like they kind of suddenly swamp you one after another. How then do we stay afloat without drowning under them?

Isn’t it so easy to just give up, lose faith, find reasons as to why life is going downhill, why it goes against your way and just give into the dark abyss sucking you into it. I just wonder why that tiny flicker of faith  that keeps us holding on to the the ray of sunshine called hope , exists.

A tough phase in life and am glad that my faith and belief in God , in me, in what I feel, think and  believe in is keeping me sane enough to face it. As it is said every tough phase teaches one  something new and this one has helped me discover myself, my strengths, my friends, their beliefs, their strengths,  to recognise ones who I know are truly there for me , ones that I have cherished , it teaches me something new each day to hold on to, to know, to understand, to develop. It teaches me patience, to believe in what you truly want, what you truly feel in , to believe that God  does whatever he does in your best interests, to believe in prayers and to have faith and believe in myself too.

Now on to the book ‘Conversations with God’ I havent been able to progress much as I am trying to assimilate as much as I can  before moving forward… People are motivated to do all actions in their lives by two predominant  emotions. Fear and Love. These are the only two languages of the soul. People either act or think out of either love or fear.All other emotions are just derivatives of these two emotions. Love sometimes sponsors fear and fear sometimes sponsors love  so every action of human beings are prompted by these two emotions.Fear is energy which shuts down, closes things, runs  or hides , harms, hoardes ,rankles, clings attacks and destroys, Love is just the opposite, it opens up, sends out, stays, reveals, shares,gives away, lets go,soothes , amends and heals.

We all are driven by these two emotions and ultimately it depends on what we choose to take …. Fear or Love….