Saanams Mind

Thoughts and memories they haunt her, robbing her of her sleep….She wakes up at all weird hours battling her insomnia , mind so restless , seeking a peace that will give her a night’s rest. Her feelings clutch her heart giving her an eerie sense of being suspended in time, pain predominantly ruling her life. A pain so so acute that it feels as if a knife is passing through her chest.She wakes up, clutching her chest as she takes labored long breath to regularize her agitated heart beats.

There she is again in that twilight zone, alone with her thoughts n feelings staring into a distant horizon, waiting for day break , hoping for a ray of sunshine to warm her life up as well. Her thoughts again swimming in the whirlpool of emotions , bringing a flood of tears to her eyes. She doesn’t like this at all. This is not what her destiny was…How could she fade way into nothingness this way.

But nothingness beckoned her. A blank lifeless feeling that seemed more attractive than all that was around….Where was she lost, in the quagmire of her thoughts , trying to find her way out. She seemed so so lost…..zoned out in a twilight zone .

“There are moments in life, when the heart is so full of emotion That if by chance it be shaken, or into its depths like a pebble Drops some careless word, it overflows, and its secret, Spilt on the ground like water, can never be gathered together” Henry Wadsworth Longfellow…. Aren’t we always on an emotional roller coaster ride most of the times of our lives Being a woman I relate better to emotions or my heart more than my head or reasoning.Emotions, that hold us together in our short span in this world…sometimes bruised by the relationships we have in life.

Emotional abuse…a less talked about aspect or form of abuse in a relationship but one that does exist. Sad part is that this is a condition that can leave permanent damage and is not detected until its too late. How does one know they are involved in an emotional abusive relationship?

The abuser is always angry with you and you dont always know why they are . Its as if you are permanantly walking on egg shells not knowing when an outburst will happen. Suddenly they are angry for something you never did, or something that was ok in the past n suddenly not now. Or they may just be very vague about it not letting you know why they are mad at you.

They block all communication with you.This may happen in many ways. They may deflect the topic and take off on another track.They may not respond and keep silence. They may just get up and walk out of the room .They make you feel you are totally invisible and do not exist.

They tell you one thing today and deny and say completely different things the next day. They change their stories so often that you wonder if you are wrong and imagining whatever you heard the previous day or if you misunderstood it all , when in reality they are messing your mind up and this is a nasty form of abuse called gaslighting.

They forget you are an entity in yourself. They are so narcissist that they think of you as an extension of themselves and refuse to acknowledge your individuality.At best you are an object to be utilized. they do not expect you to have your own feelings and thinking. They expect you to read their mind and understand all that they are not saying as well. They dont give you space but expect you to understand their need for space.

They promise to change but rarely live up to those promises. They may stop for a while,but when you are totally fed up of their behaviour but slide back to the old pattern of behaviour once you again relax a bit. this is actually called Hoovering.

The scars left by such a relationship is not just deep but lifelong. Its worse as these scars are not actually visible and take sometimes a long time to be detected . They corrode into your self esteem , making you feel inferior and low . You are left with a low self image as you begin to think you are good for nothing as nothing seems to please them. It takes out the spirit of life from you and leaves you in complete devastation.

The abuser rarely ever agrees to take counseling or work on the issue. The ones who have two sides …one sweet n the other nasty, leave you feeling even more confused as you are not sure if its normal or if you are being abused.”Emotions are priceless. Emotions become a still life picture. A picture of sheer happiness or complete devastation that can be a constant rerun when the mind is restless.”

If stuck in such a relationship do try and recognize it for what it is…I cant offer you solutions for such a situation but definitely knowing what it is can help you deal with it better … I can just pray n send love your way and say…God help you…because its not easy dealing or living with such relationships.

For a long time now I have believed people who resort to extremism n violence, ones who kill random innocent people all belong to one community.A community that follows a religion called terrorism. They are not people who believe in God for God does not teach, preach or ask his followers to take the path of hatred , violence or killing. God’s way is the way of love and those who believe that believe in God . They are hindus, muslims, christians, buddists , jains or maybe even humanists. I believe people are good or bad first regardless of the way they choose to pray n reach out to God.

And then comes along a movie like My Name is Khan that rendered me completely speechless.It not only reflected my ideology, but the way the movie was made, superb acting by both Shah Rukh Khan n Kajol, excellent dialogues just got me very very emotional. While Rizwan played by Shahrukh endears us with his character , Kajol is just being herself a superb actress Every supporting role is well performed and all in all its a great movie .

But what really touched me, is that interpersed with the love story is a message that should come across to everyone that each one of us is a human being first and later Muslims , Hindus etc. We should look at each other in the way Rizwan looks at each one …pretty simple…just good humans and bad Its just that simple.

I just hope it reaches out n touches hearts in the way it did mine and people do learn from it…just not to get too carried away with this huge division we create amongst ourselves based on caste, creed, religion, color and nationalities. For beneath it all we are born the same way, are made up of 2 legs, hands, body, hair , blood, skin n bones, we need to eat to live and in the end we die the same way. What really matters is how good we are to the people who are around us, how many hearts we touch with our lives , our kindness , love and care. How many lives we make a difference to positively and how many faces we bring a smile to.

Hope each person understands that for thats how simple life is…even though its not that easy.

I read a story sent by my hubby that kind of moved me a lot n dampened my eyes . I thought sharing it here would in some way inspire people to believe in the healing power of love n so here it is. I hope you find it as endearing as I did.

SHE NEVER LEFT MY SIDE
© Michael Segal

Push…Puuush!” I called out to my friend, but it appeared that there was no use in trying anymore. My car was stuck in the mud, and I was on a double date. I was just 16 years old, and I wanted to make a good impression on my pretty and intelligent date. However, hearing the motor rev with the car still stuck in the mud did not earn brownie points for my friend or me in the eyes of our dates.

We continued to push and push, but there was no getting my car “unstuck” from the mud. Sharon, my date, was revving the car’s engine while Jeff and I were pushing and pushing. Finally, I said, “Enough!” Embarrassed, I approached Sharon as she sat behind the wheel of my mother’s red station wagon. Before I could speak I noticed the gear on the car: It was set on neutral!”

I set the gear to “drive,” instructed Sharon to wait until I gave her the signal to press down on the accelerator, and then went back to help Jeff push the car out of the mud.

That was our first date. Even though I got mud on my slacks, I had love in my heart. I was “stung” by the Love Bug.

Sharon and I dated seriously throughout high school. I went away to college as Sharon was finishing her senior year in high school. Our love, which was blooming, was only matched in size by our long-distance telephone bills.

The next year, Sharon joined me at the University of Texas. We were so happy. We thought we were on top of the world. We thought our lives were set. That was true until that eventful evening when in a split second our lives changed forever.

On February 18, 1981, we were studying at the library of the University. It was late, and Sharon told me that she had to return to her dormitory to go to sleep. We slid into my car and headed toward her dorm, but, unfortunately, my gas gauge was registering “empty.” I pulled into a nearby convenience store, borrowed $2 from Sharon, and walked into the store to pay for the gas.

Things do not always work out as one plans them. Unfortunately, the store was in the midst of a robbery, and one of the thieves forced me into the cooler. He followed me, pushed me to the floor, and calmly shot me in the back of the head-execution-style! The story does not end there. Yes, the criminal thought I was dead, thus eliminating any witness to the crime. However, when the thieves left the store, I still had a faint pulse.

Very few people believed I would remain alive much longer. That is why the police transferred my case to the Homicide division. That is also why the neurosurgeon, when he was awakened at his home to see me at the hospital, came quickly but returned home, as he believed an operation would be futile.

However, when the doctor returned to the hospital in the morning, he was shocked to see that I was still alive. He told my parents that an operation was necessary, but he added that he would be surprised if I survived the surgery.

I fooled all of the medical experts and survived the surgery. However, the surgeon warned my parents that even though I was still breathing, I would probably never be able to communicate with anyone or understand anyone who was attempting to communicate with me. Basically, the surgeon stated, I would be “a vegetable.”

Hearing those words, my father told Sharon, “Get on with your life.”

Sharon quickly replied, “Mike is my life.”

Even though we were not yet married, Sharon believed in the vows, “in sickness and in health.” She dropped out of college for one semester to be with me at the Rehabilitation Hospital in Houston where I was eventually transferred. Sharon was spending her time with her “drooling boyfriend in the hospital” while other college freshmen were spending their time at parties.

Eventually, Sharon returned to Austin to continue her college education. Once again we had enormous phone bills. My goal was to also return to Austin, to the University of Texas, to be with Sharon. Eighteen months after no one thought I would survive, I accomplished that goal. One of the primary reasons was … Sharon, my love, who refused to give up or give in.

Four years after returning to college I graduated. For me, that meant I could finally propose to Sharon, my light at the end of the dark tunnel. She was the one who would always encourage me to look forward and not to focus on the past.

On a beautiful day in May, Sharon and I exchanged vows and were married. We were meant to be together. We had dated for nine long and eventful years, but I realized at the wedding that it was worth everything. Sharon was truly my soul mate.

We have been married for many years and we have a beautiful daughter, Shawn. We have experienced so much-some bad, but more, much more, good. This is not just a “love letter” to my wife but the story of a girl’s overcoming everyone’s “rational” thoughts to stay behind with her critically injured boyfriend. To me it shows what kind of woman Sharon is–a beauty inside and out. Further, it shows the lesson of not giving up on one’s dreams. I give Sharon all the credit for my recovery-not me. I don’t know where I would be without her-definitely not where I am today.

{ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Michael Jordan Segal, who defied all odds after being shot in the head, is a husband, father, social worker, freelanceauthor (including a CD/Download of 12 stories, read with light background music, entitled POSSIBLE), and inspirational speaker, sharing his recipe for happiness, recovery and success before conferences and businesses.}

Sometimes when life throws you a googly and you question everything…including love, a story like this motivates you to look at life different and inspires in you a belief in love again Hope it does do something positive for you too. God bless!

If you have it [Love], you don’t need to have anything else, and if you don’t have it, it doesn’t matter much what else you have.~ Sir James M. Barrie A day to celebrate love…Valentines Day is here and yet again here I am , to talk about the most glorified, most pure, most heartfelt of all emotions ….LOVE. I dedicate it to my Loved ones.

Love, a condition that just exists,no reasons, no explanations no conditions no excuses…it just is. True Love , as I look at it is the most beautiful emotion created by God. A love that loves you for what you are, the way you do things, your personality, sense of humor, or just because of the way you make them feel good about themselves. This love is the ‘one’ one has to be true to because this person mirrors you the best. There are no tests for acceptance, there is no search for anything more, they are just being themselves and are grateful for it.

Love is special, beautiful, unconditional ,unique and intense. Love in its purest form expects nothing much from the loved one except maybe kindness n care.It surpasses the want to grab, have, possess and own and just lets it be. It is a feeling that overwhelms one and just makes you glory in the happiness of the loved one.Love brings out the most positive emotions in a person. When a person feels the warmth of love , automatically all that is good in them comes out. There is sharing, caring, generosity, kindness, all the positive emotions forge out & come forth. So love is a catalyst to bring forward the best in every one.Giving is the second name for love. To give more and more, with no thoughts of getting back. To love is to forgive and forgive easily.Its each smile that brightens your heart with their lil thoughts. To me its also every tear you shed when they are in pain, its every heartfelt prayer you send up for them to do well and stay happy.

Love always doesn’t have to be a bed of roses .Love does bring in tears with it sometimes, but love is what makes you strong enough to fight the travails of life and carry on to face tomorrow. With love you know you have a backup necessary to perk you up when you are down.It can break and shatter your heart into smithereens when a loved one hurts. Love sometimes is…just letting go. Love is the million things you do for them, without grumbling about doing it. Its something that gives you a feeling of completeness. To me its also something sacred.

God is Love, the cohesive force of the universe that connects us all. Its a feeling, an emotion so divine and it has to be felt to understand it for no words in the dictionary can actually express the depth of the feeling within. As said God Is Love and Love is God. A feeling you hold sacred, not just for a partner, spouse, loved one but for your parents, kids, friends, family. Love.. the most beautiful and positive of all feelings , the very essence of our lives , that which makes the world goes around.Love is also a feeling that can make or break relationships, make or break countries, make or break lives.

To sum up Here is a poem on love expressed so beautifully by Khalil Gibran …on love.

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor,
Into the season less world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, “God is in my heart,” but rather, “I am in the heart of God.”
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love’s ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

~KHALIL GIBRAN~

Just as I was about to post this I hear about a bomb blast in Pune killing some and injuring many… Ironic wouldn’t you say that on the eve of a day dedicated to love , many lives are taken because of the opposite of love…hatred. Saddening to think that this beautiful, sacred emotion called love often gets overshadowed by the dark and destroying hatred that knows nothing better than to destruct But as they say Love always truimphs so may each heart in this world be filled with a love so divine that we see no more of this hatred that kills.

I wish you a life completely filled with the healing, positive and magical power called love. May God bless you with this divine love, every minute of your life and make your life as beautiful as it should be. I Love You! Happy Valentines Day n Always be blessed

Some songs that touch my heart. Some others that have some old memories attached to them…all of them form a part of me . Just felt like adding them Click on the names if you want to listen to them .

Dil Tadapta hain by Mehndi Hassan Just when I heard this I kind of connected to this one ..somehow I felt that I could relate to the song. The lyrics are just amazing and I feel was written for me Aarzoo this one is for you and me.

U, me aur hum What do I tell you about this one Its really so so special to me & one I will cherish all my life. Shona n Anam this one is for us n will always be ‘ours’. Luv u 224.

Mumma by Kailash Kher Reminds of my sweetheart bachha Shona . She made me so teary with this one so many times .Love her.

Agar Tum na hote I share special memories with Anam on this song.. something just tuggs at my heart when I hear this one.

Aaja Meri Gaadi Heehee this one is for my Maddio bachha .. I still wait for that trip u gonna take me on, in your car. Hope we dont crash anywhere luv u.

Mere naina Sawan- Kishore A lot of memories attached to this one too . Amazing track that chokes me every time I listen to it.

Ghum hei kisike Pyaar mein Another amazing track n one I hold in my heart.

Gum sum Ye Jahan hei- Jagjit Singh A lovely one that Anam n me often shared a liking for . Love u gurl n miss u.

Bas yahi Sochke Just one of those Favs that I listen to often.

Roz Roz Ankhon Tale Special because was the first song sung by Shona for me

Chuimui si tum……….Memories hmm… only they stay with you …

Lean on Me A song I kind of love for the lyrics for that’s what I promise each one of my friends … Lean on me… hmm at times , I wonder if all of them would say the same to me. I know Shona , Anam , Aarzoo , Maddio n Macherie you do ..:)Thank you for being with me .I value what you are to me.

Jag soona soona A state of mind I am often in these days

Anam I could not find Gayee kaam se haye ye ladki for you . I guess there is something about Music that keeps one calm, that bonds, that makes you relate to one another. Music touches one soul and brings about a pure feeling from within . Many more songs , meaning a lot to me have not been added as the list can get endless. Enjoy the ones I have put up!

These words can be very very potent in damaging ones self confidence, self esteem because the premium is always on winning. Whatever you do,the pressure to win is so high, be it learning something new, doing something, the fear of losing is so much. No one wants to hear those dreaded few words..”You are a loser”.

Even deep down if you look at it and know since winning and losing are such relative terms and its not all that bad to lose sometimes, we still fear the term’ to lose’. We are in such a competitive world its always trying to win over someone else. This is not to glorify losing but sometimes losing is what keeps you grounded to the realities in life. Losing may make you gain so much more than winning all the time. It teaches you patience, teaches you endurance and gives you a strength to face the pain of losing.

To maintain a balance one has to both win some n lose some. That is how cosmically a cycle works. It helps cultivate a different perspective to looking at things . So maybe being called a loser is good at times as it teaches you to accept your defeat gracefully as well as embrace your achievements with deep humility.That is the secret of happy togetherness …no purpose, no outcome. Just an ‘otherness’ that enhances ‘togetherness’

So are you a loser? It definitely is good for you sometimes

What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.” Oscar Wilde
“ A cynic can chill and dishearten with a single word” Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have wondered about suspicious people, who always look for negative underlined meanings in everything one says and feel so sad for them as they have no faith in the words of another human. What makes people cynical in life? Is it life’s experiences , or is the world so bad that any good words are also viewed with suspicion as to what does that person want…Has life become such a business transaction that people look for what they gain even from simple words uttered. Is it hard to find people who mean what they say from their heart or is the world so bad that even when you mean something from your heart , another meaning is searched for within the words you utter….

I read somewhere…I’d change my cynical view of the world but its all I have left at the end of the month. Saddens me to think the simple joys of living, simple words of care, simple words said just to make someone happy all seem to come at a big price these days…you get paid back with suspicion, distrust, anger, sarcasm etc… saddens me to think there is hardly any goodness seen in anything one does its all about investment n returns .

Would this cynicism go away. It saddens me further that with each passing day I am more n more disappointed in human nature I am more n more saddened by the distrust..the suspicion and the lack of faith gets to me.:) Would things change???Or am I headed towards a world of cynicism?

“Life is not an easy matter… You cannot live through it without falling into frustration and cynicism unless you have before you a great idea which raises you above personal misery, above weakness, above all kinds of perfidy and baseness.” Leon Trotsky

Just reading about Shiv Sena and their histronics I just wonder why we , the most evolved of all beings are so stuck up on superficial n silly differences we make between ourselves. I wonder why where we are born or how we pray stops us from thinking about being human beings first …made of flesh n blood like any other human ?Why does being from Madras or Maharashtra become more important than being an Indian?To me its like my hand saying I dont belong to the body … am just a hand. Why cant we be a part of the whole and work collectively towards the best interests of the country and the world as a whole …work towards being good human beings instead of looking at everything through peep holes and with such small minds?

Cant the Shiv Sena work towards removing poverty, illiteracy, hunger and violence and free the country from the humongous problems we are facing instead of making a big issue about sports, about people from other parts of India working in Mumbai etc.

Its a shame that educated and well read people act as if they dont understand what it is all about and go along. I applaud Shah Rukh for speaking his mind out! The people who have vested interests and want to be in the limelite and choosing all the crap reasons for being there , should be dealt with seriously by the Govt and put away or banned for messing the peace of the country and creating disparity in society.

Shouldnt they be seen as the extremists they are disrupting law and order in a country that boasts of Unity in diversity? I feel a firm stand should be taken on minds that work adversely and put a stop to the growth of our country.

I would like to salute not just Shahrukh for speaking up but also applaud the times of India Group for the Aman ki Asha , a brilliant initiative to build bridges rather than break them .

Watch this “Aman Ki Asha ”

Instead of moving forward we seem to have groups like Shiv Sena n the so called Ram Sena creating more issues than mending them. Shame on them , the bullies who think brute force can speak better than education n common sense and resort to that to make themselves heard.

I have spoken about silence before in some of the earlier entries and as I see it most of us fear the silence and fill it with noise. Oft late I have been contemplating on taking up Vipasana meditation… that is a camp for 10 days where you spend time with yourself and nature, without external interference of noise, music, phones,tv etc and where you dont talk with anyone. Its a way of spending time with just yourself and your thoughts, with nature …being alone. Its a way of just discovering more of yourself and coming to terms with yourself ,your circumstances and your feelings and making peace with them.

Being alone …when we actually find ourselves , it becomes a privilege and not a punishment. All the good work and your concentration comes from when you are alone. All your dreams dreamt when you are alone. Your best ideas come when you are alone,your solutions to all problems, your creations, your thoughts of wanting to make a better world come when you are alone . You see art and hear music better when you are alone.

Its the time when you drop all pretences and are completely true and bare naked with yourself.It is that time when you are in touch with your innerself. A time when you are most receptive to your innerself, a time when you connect to the higher energy that runs the world. A time when you speak to God and when God speaks to you.A place from which you absorb a lot , to fortify your spirit with grace, forgive your ineptness and fills you with a new resolve. A time when in silence, you can find the echo of your true intent.Its the highest place I think I can aspire to be .

Sharing your aloneness takes trust. It means revealing the innermost working of your heart and can expose you to the risk of indifference or the frustration of not being taken too seriously. It means risking the pain of not being heard when you want someone to listen to whats in your heart.It means allowing another ( it can be just one or two and definitely not more) to look into and know you as you are, without any masks, pretensions but as the the person you are ,with yourself. This is the heart of intimacy.Being intimate is being with another as you are with yourself .It means exposing yourself completely .It entails loving yourself and then loving another.

Knowing this is sacred and the risk you take sharing that ‘Sacred aloneness’ is a big risk , more so because if you are rejected for showing your true self because the other did not understand you, or just didn’t care enough to understand, you tend to recoil from the world, feeling your trust is misplaced, broken and the world is just empty or hollow .Though the thought scares me I wonder if I can learn to love being alone. Can I learn to share that aloneness with someone again? Maybe I can work first on learning to love being alone

Does the thought of being alone scare you and would you risk sharing that aloneness with someone?