Saanams Mind

Hmmm another roller coaster ride of emotions and a crazy emotional day. Sometimes life makes you take decisions that are heart wrenching but you  do it just for a loved ones happiness. Is it worth the pain you go through? Yes very much if you believe in the unconditional love that  gives . So when you are someone who believes in giving with your complete heart , you inflict a lot of pain on yourself but you give a lot of joy to your loved ones Just one of those moments again …Where do I go from here? Am I making sense?

Again my blogging suffers because of me being a puppet in the hands of what I feel I try so hard  to get a grip but the pain inside of me just absolutely refuses to disappear .Guess another one of those which I will carry to my grave. I just hope to get enough strength to fake  being strong when deep within I seem to have lost it all. My heart squeezing so tight that I seem to find it so hard to breathe. Crazy life hmmm… but I have no choice but to go on ….Distractions work temperorily but not for too long. Come evening its me facing the raw pain in my bleeding heart and the sinking feeling of how will I go on…. can I go on… I have lost it all and lost it completely now … utterly devastatingly completely…. would I be able to manage a smile again?

Ofcourse I will smile again because my decision is for someones happiness… someone whose smiles are worth it.  If I could’nt handle this pain, I would not be the chosen one to handle it.

Off late, lot of chaos has entered my life. Reading my horoscope (which I do regularly), views of my palmistry cousin (who has always been right in many people’s cases that it scares the crap out of me!), debating with friends and cousins over the issues of life and thinking about my life.

While debating with my cousins, I was surprised to discover that one of them wants to go in for, self -realization, which means, in all likelihood, she may not marry at all. I have been god fearing and believe in the power of God, but self-realization is completely different, it’s about knowing yourself so well that your body, mind and your intellect cannot bother you any more. It sounds so distant and philosophical, but there is my cousin who is actually aiming to pursue it, which means she will give up most of the pleasures of life, to achieve this. And thinking deep about this made me realize that conviction towards something is most important to lead a satisfied life. I was so afraid of small challenges and small goals and here is a person who is much younger than me and she is aiming to devote rest of her life in order to pursue a goal, which she believes in. It has really made me a different person; my thinking has taken a good change.

Then there is another friend of mine, who is not keen to get married, because she thinks she herself doesn’t have answer to so many question of life that she is not in a position to give proper and un-biased guidance to her children. Though it sounds very stupid and trivial, but what it brings out is a very legitimate question and that is, do we want our children to be our mirror image or do we want them to be something of their own, because if we want them to have their own identity, then we have to understand life, beyond what we have lived, else we will teach them what we were taught, and we would not able to given them an open view of life. It made me think how biased and in-flexible I am on so many beliefs which I would impose upon other if I do not observe them in the light of logic and reality.

While talking about personality and character of an individual, it came out that most of us have been very shy and reserved kind of people throughout our childhood. We never went to the stage unless we were receiving a prize of some kind, never participated in any competition unless we were forced to join in by teachers or parents, never did any extra -curricular activities and were mostly focused on studies. And this continued until we entered college and that was the time, when most of us came out of our cocoon, when we faced the harsh world, when we were ragged, when we debated, when we fought for our views. But in my case, that was all there, but if I look back at my school days and my personality then, I feel, I was far away from the kind of personality I possesses now. I have gained enormously from working in a corporate, meeting people from different society and culture, seeing the most posh and sophisticated environment and still feeling at ease. This was the time, when I realized the minuteness of life, when I realized what weight age to give to the mundane flashy surroundings and what is the key of a good life, and I found, what Any Rand has stated very strongly in her book, “The Fountainhead”, not be slaves to other’s opinions but to have a proper understanding of your own self. You should not be told you are good; to know that you are good, you should know where you stand and you should not get swayed by other’s opinion. You should always introspect, but be truthful to your inner self. If tomorrow someone says I am a great accountant, I should know what the reality is and should not feel as a great accountant, because someone saw such greatness in me. And another thing which connects with this philosophy is modesty. When you know yourself well enough, then you do not get over-excited or deride other because of the knowledge you have. You are modest, because you do not have to show-off to anyone. You are at peace with your inner self and that is what you reflect to other, when you interact with them.

So, in short, last few days, have been a strong agitated ones, which have left many questions open to myself which I need to seek answers in order to get more clarity in my life.

Sometimes there is a thought that the angrier a person is, the more impressive/stronger he is in his actions. If a God is an angry one, He would be more feared and respected. If a religion has angry administrators it would have more believers and faithful followers. If in a movie the lead actor is angry, he would represent the best in the soceity.

I think the truth however is just the opposite. A person is angry only when he is incapable of getting something done. When he finds that his actions are not giving results, he gets frustrated and gets into anger. Therefore anger is more of a sign of weakness than strength. Given a choice nobody would want to stay in angry mood for any amount of time unless someone is trying to fake it.

Why would someone try to fake anger? It is generally considered that if a person is angry he must be right and innocent and speaking the truth. This is frequently taken as an excuse to create mobs and committ crimes which that would generally not be allowed. Most of the times when there is a mob there is looting and people enjoy breaking public property.

Who gets affected by anger, in short term yes the people around but in long term it is the angry person whose psyche is affected the most. He gets scars on his brain that are very difficult to heal.

A good decision is always taken with a stable and calm mind and is rarely regretted. A decision taken in hot blood is usually a wrong decision and most of the times irreversible. Therefore the power of being angry is just negative.

Don’t listen to what people say, I know from experience. One has to make their own decisions. You can’t always be perfect but being angry and trying to get revenge doesn’t make your decision right.

I know I am deeply blessed by God.

I am kind of a loud type of person, do things which people feel weird but which are deeply satisfying and important to me as a person. Individualist and creative people are never understood. The problem is that they don’t care about what society thinks about them, a big problem for society because they ride over unnecessary social laws. I push my limits so I can extend my boundaries. I can fit in easily but still I can’t fit in. People still consider me alien or at least not a usual person. I know I am not like others and that is what makes me special and I really cherish that but I hate it when people point out my weaknesses which aren’t that important to be discussed, they are not weaknesses, just a different perspective. I talk aloud, mark my mark and leave people making them think too much. Proud to people, very humble inside and in this mix gets ignored at most of the places.

Everybody wants appreciation for their contribution and its okay and its not a proud freak stuff. Very much modern and liberal, but old fashioned where I need to be. Actually that is what people say is old fashion but in reality it isn’t. I follow Bollywood very closely but don’t get brainwashed. I am one hell of a complicated person who loves to learn and has a childlike enthusiasm. Gets bored with things easily but not relationships. Want to learn everything she finds exciting. Excited by the choice but a victim of choice too. What to do and what not to do when you want to do everything you can do.

With such personality, you know people will bitch and it’s alright completely, still it hurts. I am becoming socially unsocial. Internet, Music and being an Accounting major (because we don’t study as normal people do and we have no campus life whatsoever!) has even made it worse. I am becoming isolated. Music is my passion. Listening to old, sad and depressing songs gives me peace. Makes me think about life and what it really means and the existence of it. I am at the extreme vulnerability of becoming a depressed individual.

And this complex person wants to reach the perfection that humans can achieve, not Godly perfection but humanely yes! I have high expectations for my self. Maybe more than what others expect out of me. I guess much is expected from me. It has always been like I should be first, not in a way that I’d put someone down, but in respect to many other things. Spotlight should be on my humble soul.

I have lost my mind in search in this thinking cum worrying process. I worry a lot about the future and what it holds for me. Will I be the person that society wants me to be? Will I the daughter my parents expect me to be? Will I be the friend that one expects me to be? Planning for the future is okay but I am pushing it too far I guess.

I know you wouldn’t understand much of it. Not even if you read between the lines. I also have to read it again and tried to comprehend.

I wish I was on a beach right now. the sound of the sea, the waves crashing on always seems to make me feel a part of the nature on the whole. Why have I woken up  to a day of feeling all alone? I feel I have absolutely no one to relate to. I feel I have lost all my bearings, my friends. I look around and see everyone having their own clicks and here I am standing all alone , they welcome me but yet I feel am all lost… hmmm… horrible , this feeling of emptiness. I dont know why this feeling all of a sudden has crept up on me. Maybe I miss the one I considered my best friend   I cant seem to enjoy anything I am doing… I work mechanically , cook, take care of my family and even found time for shopping, but my mind seems so far, so alone. No joy in anything. Each morning I wake up seeking the rays of sunshine but by evening am back to feeling all alone…

I want to walk along the waves, with my feet sinking into the sand . The waves wetting my feet. I love doing this specially at night . Alone… I dont know if from being a peoples person I am turning into a loner . I seem to contantly think a lot, shrink into myself and seem  not to find any peace if people are around me. The music that once seemed everything  my life, so soothing , so energising  now feels more like seamless noise that drives my mind around and around in circles. Each day my heart shrinking more… and though my loved ones reach out to me , I seem  to shrink  away from them…am I scared of caring too much? Is it me changing or is it I cant accept the changes around me?

Would solitude give me peace , would it hold me in its arms?

Another beautiful day and Anam love you for making it so much more beautiful…. The birthday party , the  cake, the fun part and most of all the feeling and intention behind the whole  gesture is very much appreciated and  loved. I felt honoured to be a part of it . You guys are so so special to me I have no words to tell you how much

Been looking at taking some classes on photography. First it would help me cope with my mind and its turbulence and second maybe what I looked at as a general hobby may actually have more in it for me. I have found a professional guy who takes weekend workshops on the finer points of the art… so lets see how it goes and where it takes me.

Speaking of photography , we humans always have had this tendency to capture moments from our life and holding on to these memories , which most of the time last a life time.At the end of it all , the album of our life is a complete story with pictures of the different memories we have made over the different phases of our life . Some ecstatic moments,some hghly morbid . We gather them as precious moments and hold them close to our hearts , to think over , to mull over or just to help us move on in our lives. Sometimes we just hang on to them because they are all we have got left behind with us …. memories … !  A way of holding on to all that you love, all that you want to hold close and all that you dont want to lose ever… These are somethings no matter what one can never take away from you…. ever. Happy ones, sad ones, memorable ones, all remaining with you, like pictures, imprinted in the deep recesses of your brain. Can one really erase those away ever??? The mental scrapbook of all that happens in your life , that which gets a flood of thoughts rushing back into your head. …. Memories.

People come and people go, maybe they can even be replaced …. but memories  they linger on… they can never be taken from you… and  ultimately isnt memories what makes us who we are? So lets see…. I will try and capture some memories on camera for me to hold close to … maybe to enjoy in my old age

Here i just  want to just say a tiny prayer for all those who lose or have lost memory and have amnesia because of medical reasons. God please bless each one of them because you have taken the  very color of their life away from them!

Thinking of all the people who entered my life and some who left it…what I learnt from every relationship and what I felt about them. My mind seems to be filled with these thoughts as some blasts from the past reminded me of  memories I hold  close to my heart.Hmm the complicated world of human relationships. A little bit of self talk always helps me put my life into the right perspective and  sort the cobwebs in my mind.

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern . Beautiful people do not just happen.”— Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Isnt this true? People who have a lot of downturns in their lives turn out to be better humans for all their struggles and their loss.They probably develop a quiet sensitivity towards other humans and their sufferings, they are more caring, more warm hearted, more sensitive to others and since have been through a lot themselves are more a pillar of support to another. They seem to sense the value of giving time  to building relationships.

I wonder why relationships are constantly challenging. Would there be a day when I learn enough about relationships to keep it smooth sailing all the way? I mean make them happy relationships …. all of them, devoid of pain, conflicts or  disagreements? For as  I see it relationships make us who we are … They define Us  . They help create a ‘self’. So each and every relationship you have with another human is what shapes us to be  the ‘Me’ we call ourselves. So each relationship is special …unique and  a different experience.They are sacred because they help discover yourself.

Come to think of it most relationships of the romantic nature fail because one is looking at what will gain from the relationship more than what one can give   When one says ‘I was nothing till you came into my life ‘  dont you think it puts tremendous  pressure on the other to live up to that?They definitely wont want to let you down and will push themselves to be the picture you have painted of them forgetting who they really are… Thats when you say that the other person coming into your life completes you. Well that should not be the thing…. they should be the person you share that completeness with. Reminds me of the song ‘ U , Me aur Hum’ .The philosophy behind that song is so true. So if you shift the focus from the other to yourself and focus on what  you can do in the relationship to make it  as perfect as you would want it to be maybe then it may work.

So the only relationship that you need to truly work on is the one with your self. When you respect, love and have faith in who you are , the other relationships , all those associated with you will automatically fall in place and work out the way they should.

“It is not the action of another , but in your reaction, that your salvation will be found”

Tattoos have become such a trend, it’s always been around but more and more people are getting them today. I know many people personally who have got tattoos; some regret it, some love it and some are just tattoo freaks. I’ve never really understood why people get them? What’s the point? Aren’t you just putting ink on your body and ruining the beauty that God has blessed you with? Are you cooler now because you’ve got a tattoo?

Some people get tattoos at places that no one even sees it, so why get it? Of course there are also those who cover every inch of their body with it and sometimes I wonder, how does this person look at himself in the mirror? How about when they go to formal functions? How do you walk into a job interview with tattoos covered arms, neck, legs, and God knows you’re once-upon-a-time-beautiful face? Do you expect someone to look at you and say ‘alright yes, let’s hire him!’ I know I might be discriminating all tattoo lovers, but in real world, in the business world, in any working industry, I doubt someone will give you a 100K job while you’re covered with tattoos!

The actual reason I’ve decided to write about this is because at my parents business, I’ve dealt with all kinds of people. You name it and I’ve dealt with them. What I’ve been dealing with for few years is a lady getting herself pierced all over her face, from her eyebrows to her tongue to her lips, chin, etc..etc.. Since I don’t work at the store anymore, I hardly see her but for past few weeks I’ve been working on and off so been seeing her. Well she walked in with tattoos on her face! Like I said, I’ve seen full bodies covered but never a face covered with tattoos. On both of her cheeks she’s got tattoos and on her forehead! Just why? She has got two kids who go to school, so I wonder how she walks into PTA meetings? She hates it that people look at her weird, but I wonder why? If her child does something wrong in school, I’m sure the school will wonder the child that way by just looking at the mother.

Do people realize how dangerous tattoos are? I know many people who got it in the 70′s and regret it now as its fading on their wrinkled skin, or it just looks like someone gave them a good beating. I would love to see this lady in 10-15 years from now and look at her face. She can’t even hide them with makeup. I honestly don’t know why people do these crazy things. I definitely don’t think she’s attractive with tattoos covered face, and I most definitely don’t think she’s going to go too far with her career looking like that.

I recently caught a documentary my brother was watching about Prison gangs and how some of these criminals get tattoos in the prison but once they come out, they get them removed and the pain they go through. Well the tattoos are never going to be removed perfectly, nor will removing it going to make your skin look as it was originally.

You probably know that a body tattoo is injected into the skin by using a machine with a sharp needle and ink. What you probably don’t realize, is that a tattooing machine can pierce the skin as many as 3,000 times a minute. Each one of these holes can be as deep as 1/16 of an inch. These open wounds scab over, but they can still cause health problems… and maybe even death. Are they really worth it?

One of the most common health issue with getting inked is HIV. What’s more important? Getting a tattoo and looking “cool” or being healthy and beautiful? Tattoo puts you at the risk of contracting tetanus, HIV, AIDS, Hepatitis B and C, and even Syphilis. So really, are these people insane?

I’m not saying people shouldn’t get them, its their life, they should do whatever they want..but think about these dangers first. If you do want to get one, get where it looks good, where people can see it and most important, don’t cover every inch of your body with it. I have many friends who have tattoos so I’m not insulting them but I just don’t want them to have regrets or get health issues because of something they thought was cool.

If you want to get a tattoo, how about a temporary one? So you don’t put your life in danger. If you really insist on getting a permanent one, then go ahead but don’t over do it. Believe me, everyone I know who has gotten tattoos regret them down the line. Isn’t life about not having regrets?

I woke up to a new sunrise and as I promised myself I would get back and bounce back to a more normal me all smiles and positivity around . So let me first say thank you to a friend for jump starting my day with a pleasant conversation, something that lightened my heart a bit … am grateful for that. Because of you I am enjoying a bit  of the sunshine , the afternoon showers, the birds chirping and the flowers around. Not to mention the juicy mangoes that seem to be all over the city. Thank you for taking time out to talk . It does make a difference to me.

And I have a reason to celebrate too … for one Anam has decided to get back here n fill this blog with her zany thoughts as well . After nearly  a year of partnership here ,   I couldn’t ask for anyone other than her to share this virtual space with . Perfect understanding, absolutely perfect way of working together and each one giving the other  creative space too   Anam love ya ! Any ideas on how we can make this  Saanams first birthday any crazier than both of us ????

Okie as for my wandering mind…. it wanders about … sometimes high sometimes low and today I just decided to write  a few things I believe in .Its being written to remind myself how I can dig myself out of the pit of gloom I have fallen into.

You can add yours as comments.  Would be fun to read it.

I BELIEVE :-

1) In God- The one supreme force who knows best I have a strong belief in prayers and things I have no control over, just leave it to god.

2) In Myself- I have complete control over just one thing in life, That is Me . So I take charge of myself, my faiths, beliefs, emotions, actions and reactions and  since I am the only   one responsible for Me I believe in Me n who I am and what makes me Me

3) In Love- Love is the universal truth… and  truth always prevails. It is the only emotion that creates  and doesnt destroy… it gives strength and  for more on Love I think   I have archived it somewhere on the blog. For without love the world is a dreary/weary lifeless  place to live in.

4) In the Laws of attraction- your attitude is what attracts things to you . If you want somethings in life a positive attitude goes a long way in achieving it provided it is coupled with  hardwork.

5) In good upbringing of children. Time spent on properly instilling good values and thoughts in children can pave way to changed future and can rid humanity of hatred  that we see around for in children we have the whole coming generations.

6) In honesty… I have never been a big fan of lying and truth and honesty are virtues I value a lot. when one has clean and pure intentions , life goes the way they want it to.

7) In small gestures leading to larger happiness. I believe it doesnt take too much from a person to show small acts of kindness or show small gestures of love n care  but in return   can make  a world of a difference to the person  at the recieving end. It takes very little to make one happy. So one can make such a difference if  each one did some act of kindness towards a fellow being.

8)  That what you give is what you get…the more you give , the more you get, be in anything, love, material things, money, kindness … anything. It always comes back tenfolds.

9) In Life and its experiences being one big lifetime learning process. Each phase being a lesson to learn from and move on …

10)   That not everybody in this world will like you. If they do good… if they dont too bad they missed out on a good human being (provided you are a good person like me )

So go on n lemme read on what you people believe in

Well yes, the title suits me quite well if this blog has got anything to say about it! I doubt anyone remembers me, but let me re-introduce myself…I’m Anam & I own this blog along with Saanj di lol! Yes, hard to believe considering I’m never here…but eh..I could give you guys 100 excuses that you aren’t going to buy in the first place, so why bother wasting my time, right?

Soo..yeah, I think I’ll be picking up my blogging skills again. I must say Saanj di has been keeping you all quite entertained with her crazy thoughts (though I’m the queen of crazy club!), I must admit that I haven’t read any of her blogs! I’m just always doing something that I forget that I have to read her blog. If I do read it, I never comment because I’m just very lazy.  Oops <– ..NOT!

I will blog soon or at least couple of times before I leave for Pakistan. I’m leaving on June 14th (if anyone cares!) so I should make my presence felt before I disappear again, eh?

Anywho, nice talking to you all, nice knowing you…until next time! (let’s hope its sooner this time!)