Saanams Mind

The breeze on my face, the silence of the nature around, a whiff  of the wet mud as the summer showers slant across the dry earth…… my mind wandering and seeking refuge in nature. Nature always seems so healing and soothing. But nothing can stop random thoughts from crowding my mind and  tickling memories from as far as my childhood. Life seemed so uncomplicated and simple then, living each moment for what it gave , no thought of yesterday and no thoughts for tommorrow … could I psyche myself to live the same way once again?

As I stared at the trees around, the stillness of the air around definitely not reflecting the state of my mind, hours slipped away seeming like moments .My mind kept replaying the past few months, some words and some actions that seemed to have embedded themselves in my mind , seeming to me time has come to a standstill. Though the weather outside is not as chilly, I feel inside I have kind of frozen. I probably am searching for a warmth to melt my frozen heart. The evening slips into the dark night, just the crickets coming alive  and the distant stars making an appearance as the skies clear out.Not a whisper of sound other than the night creatures and my shallow breathing.

Looking around  I see just the pitch darkness what with it being a new moon night, my eyes search for some kind of light but finding none. Is that fear I feel for I am all alone, no sense of belonging to anything, to anyone. All alone, a part of the larger darkness, the mind still turning on its wheels , seeking some answers that I dont think will be answered. Where did all the past few years go? When they flew past me , I was like summer, all colourful flowers, all butterflies and  gentle breeze, now why does each day seem like a year , slowly trudging a weary path to where…. I look around…have I lost that sense of my journey and destination? Am I just being swept along my life .I hardly notice where I am going , a blank stare fixated somewhere far away  , my eyes refusing to soak in what is around .

Will I discover Me sometime soon? I hope so …because this lifeless image staring back at me from my mirror just doesnt seem to be ….not even the watered down version of me . The Me I once was ….Whether it was the fragrance of soil or flowers, the standstill water in a lake or the breeze on my face or the language of birds, animals or friends everything held a distinct meaning to me. Did I care if others understood it or not? Why then am I seeking to understand  more than what I probably should? Why am I looking for that someone who may understand me …..How much longer do I live in this delusional world …. some empty moments strung together when they actually may not have meant anything much …..?

Just like that….another random thought….another random moment in my life ….the same as the few plaguing my mind  past few months…..randomly just roll by….

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