Memories…our mental ability to store, retain , recall information, Memories or thoughts from our pasts , ones that shape us  to be who we are, thoughts that keep us connected to each other, thoughts that give us an identity, thoughts sometimes which are our only hope to carry on… thoughts that make one who they are. Imagine if one had no memories  the life would be one blank sheet of paper…. nothing on it. While it is ok to forget bad memories what about the good ones??

A friend of mine has to undergo a medical procedure to remove clots from her brain and that means she  is going to lose her memory …. dont know how many years . This is happening for the enth time and sometimes I just wonder why her? why so many times. The trauma of not knowing who she is, where she comes from and what are her roots, the trauma of accepting so many changes that have happened in her life, the trauma of rediscovering truths about circumstances, the trauma of being totally unable to relate and  connect with those around her …I hurt when I think of it all…. No memories… nothing at all.

We attribute so much of  importance to memories… like maintaining a scrapbook, pictures, videos… we cling to them because they give us a sense of belonging .They give us a  sense of who we are and not to have them anymore is such a scary proposition. Not to know who to trust and who is a friend, to be wary of everyone, what a nightmare…After one dies… all they leave behind is memories, what if those memories themselves are not there???? What are we left with then ???
I just ask everyone who peeps in here to just spare a couple of moments and pray for my   friend to get back to a normal life soon .

Been away a few days and apart from that Micheal Jackson’s death kind of  saddened me . But where he is concerned the adage “The King is dead, Long live the King”  would be apt as though he is no more…. his art lives on…his talent stays on…. his songs keep him alive ….his dance make him eternal.

I dont know why but the last few days one particular word has been ringing in my ears often .DEATH. Some fear death, some are curious about it, some see it as natural progression to life, some as a cycle for everything born has to die. For some others it is just the leaving of your mortal remains while the soul travels on to take another form.

To me Death is natural progression and as Hinduism  believes in rebirth … death is just the soul leaving this form to take another form. I am not scared of my death as such and I guess it came about because of being close to death 2 times so far.Once when lightening struck the house we lived in and we were inside and the second time when our car did a 180 degree spin and nearly rolled over in the highway. The fact i could have died, which went on in my mind kind of made me accept death as something that can happen to anyone anytime. When its time to go, its time to go.

As I have seen it, a death of a loved one changes so many dimensions in the family. An orphaned kids life may completely change, mourning parents may lose the zest to live, Relationships break / become stronger, families break or bond, it weakens a strong person or strengthens the weak ones. Life for the ones left behind completely changes and  there is a paradigm shift in everything. Attitudes, behaviour……everything . Death infact brings home so many truths, you see who is greedy, who is genuine, you see who cares , you see who is indifferent. You see vulnerabilities, strengths , virtues , weakness etc in each member closely associated with the person who dies. Death brings home a lot of facts about your relationship with the person who passed on.

Death to me is a great leveller. It spares no body, no matter what lives you lead, what religion you follow,what lifestyle you have, death is the ultimate reality of life. It can change reality into a memory in a blink  . Having thought so much about death… I have been thinking a lot into my current relationships , into the purpose of my life, what I would want to do before I die, the past few years  the lives I probably affected, some adversely that I may have to apologise for. In all I would say the thought of death has brought  in me a grounded reality .It keeps me well aware of the fact that am not invincible, am not permanent.

Its inevitable . Death. After that what comes no one knows for sure. But before that if we are grateful for every breath we take, living each moment as we were meant to live, spreading warmth, care love and happiness,  taking each moment for what it has to offer, doing things to make sure you hurt as less people as you can, if you hurt some making amends, helping as many as you can ,I would say that would be a life well lived .Before death,  the ultimate reality takes over.

Have you ever stopped to smell the roses in the middle of your busy bustling life??? You surely would find so much to appreciate and feel happy and smile about around you . A light shower just got the whiff of the damp mud  and I dont know why it brought back so many happy memories of  when I was kid back in my hometown . The smell of the wet earth  is absolutely something I love, so also the thought of the paper boats that I used to float down the streams of water.  Small things that bring a smile on ones face   Well lemme see what just gets that curve up on my lips  …..

A baby’s curiosity and  gurgle of delight , the smell of roses, the breeze in my hair when I ride pillion on the bike … the rain on my face as I love walking in the rain, the sand under my feet as I walk on the beach with the water touching my toes, the smell of freshly baked bread or cake or biscuits …. watching sunset, going for long walks, a drive in the rain, hot pakoras on a rainy day, a hot cup of tea / coffee after a tired days work, a hot water bath after a tired day’s work, a day at a spa from time to time, the luxury of getting your hair washed  in a beauty salon, a perfect moment caught in the camera,  summer showers in the middle of hot summers, the first sip of sugarcane juice, a slice of watermelon in summer, a whiff of my favourite perfume, a hug from my loved ones ,the joy of getting what I have waited so long to get, the adrenaline rush when I have achieved what I sought to achieve, a spoonful of death by choclate ice cream when it is blazing hot outside , the excitement of seeing a new place when I travel, moments spent with special people, laughter shared with friends each day , the pleasure in making someone smile, kidding and teasing cousins/friends when we catch up ,  the happiness on someones face when you have done them a good deed, a lovely romantic song playing …… so on…. so forth…. omg I think I really have so so many things that send a rush of pleasure down me and make me smile and a happy person.

Reading about how attitude can make a person look at life differently, I reaffirmed something today….” Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass…. but its all about learning to dance in the rain “  I just am grateful for the so many lil things that bring a smile on my face each day !!!!

Woke up to a beautiful day, my mood upbeat and heart light Sometimes I just wonder at myself and why I slip into my morbid moods but the lessons I learn from them are well worth it I guess The sun shines bright out side and am feeling disgustingly positive and happy in my heart (yea yea dil dance maare ) . So many possibilities in life, so much to do and so much to look forward to. Nothing can drag me down anymore yesssss NOTHING n am happy that  I decided to let it be that way

I was  watching this man , a pompous, arrogant , ‘am so full of myself so I throw my weight around kind of a person ‘and just wondered what prompted him to be such a attention seeker and came to the conclusion it was emotional insecurity. The feeling of am not at all worthy of anything and have nothing to add value to so he was pretending to be the opposite so as to get people to notice.Emotional insecurity develops in childhood and  has serious repercussions as one grows up to be an adult. With a low self image these people can either withdraw into themselves and isolate themselves or may get aggressive and arrogant. Either ways it may result in irrational behaviour.

Sometimes we go through Insecurities in our relationships prompting us to behave in a manner most unlikely of us. Jealousy, nagging thoughts about the other, a feeling of helplessness when you feel you can’t sort your problems, feelings of inadequacy of feeling that you are no good for the other person , a sense of not fitting in, all these make one nervous and then a wierd you arises out of a sense of  fear because you feel you can’t handle things. A defense mechanism automatically developed to help cope with the situation.

There are many reasons one may be insecure, a difficult childhood, a personal loss, a failed relationship or just some traumatic experience that makes a person lose that faith in themselves .They have a poorly developed sense of  self concept  that makes the have no belief in themselves, their goodness and strengths…they may not have had proper guidance nor had enough encouragement to booster thier confidence and abilities.They always may have been compared to some achievers or better performers all their lives.

To deal with it one has to accept that one is insecure , have a willingness to change it within themselves, be ready to take risks in order to overcome it, become vulnerable and open themselves to others , again risking hurt.Look at problems rationally , learn assertiveness so as to command respect,try reaching small goals so as to achieve success,break the self doubts they have regarding their capabilities. Letting go of all the baggage that gives them self doubts, all old fears and hurts . Open themselves to the possibility of success and happiness and  reward themselves whenever they succeed however small those successes may be

{Another attempt at some more creative style of writing }

She felt the pain deep within her heart…. a slow bleeding death of something. What was withering towards its end in her??? Is it hope? Is it faith? Is it belief in herself ? Is it her blind belief in the one she loved so whole heartedly? A lone tear making its path down on her cheeks she sees a lonely tough track ahead …. a steep climb up to reach towards what she had set out to do for herself, seek a strong self image, to make herself strong enough not to need anybody around her. To seek some sunshine in her life wrought with storms ….wait….there had to be a reason for her to face all this. This just could’nt be what she was born to do… This just was not what she aimed for in life… where had she lost her way????

She  looks around… was there anyone to help her through this…. somewhere she had alienated herself from all the others in her endeavor to protect the persons she cared for. She had shut out many people and crossed many just because they didnt stand up for them the way she did every time …. so what was she left with in the end…. a lonely  life where even the ones she stood up for abandoned her and walked away…. looking forward to making their dreams come true…. trampling on her feelings, on her caring heart and killing her faith and belief in human nature itself… was she really what she was called?  Toilet paper… flushed after use???

The tears roll faster now… “where…when… why… how could I have lost my way?”  The vibrancy of the sunshine she had in her looked like a pale cloud, the fragrance of the flowers faded into a stale smell, the music of her laughter that tinkled earlier , now muffled sobs …heart wrenchingly painful. What she needed to do was write an eulogy for the phase she had gone through…So she wrote …. ” I mourn for the death of this terrible phase of my life, one where everything looked bleak, hopeless and miserable. Along with it it takes away my tears, sadness, loneliness and  helplessness”

As she looked at the the distant sun she decides, …”No, tears are for the weak and timid, this is ME,  someone I respect for her inner strength…One who I looked upto for the strength of charecter….I cannot let her die and wither away this way….I deserve more”  She stands up and walks away, a new vibrancy to her walk, a spring to her step and a smile on her face… Life must go on and she would lead it the way she is meant to… with hope, with postivity and optimism …. A new day in every way.

“Don’t spend major time with minor people.If there are people in your life who continually disappoint you, break promises, stomp on your dreams, are too judgmental, have different  values and don’t have your back during difficult times…that is not friendship.To have a friend, be a friend.Sometimes in life as you grow, your friends will either grow or go. Surround yourself with people who reflect values, goals interests and lifestyles. Remember what your elders used to say,”Birds of a feather flock together.If you’re an eagle, don’t hang around chickens:Chickens can’t fly!”

Hope You Guys like it God speed !!!!

Once again a lot of conflicting thoughts in my mind making it a maze am trying to figure out. Specially figuring out the working of a particular person who is   as random as they come. Like the pendulum that swings to and fro the moods swings. I just feel as confused as I do when I go in one of the joy rides like the giant wheel , mind spinning beyond  my comprehension.With a thousand thoughts flashing across in random speed , I am like a fly caught in a cobweb .

Communication…. isnt that a key word to understand anything? Be it verbal, nonverbal  communication helps clear mind of these cobwebs hmmm. I guess as humans we need to develop a good sense  of communication as words have such a strong influence on how we feel and behave. If we have a clear sense of telling those around us what we exactly think or feel, a lot of presumptions, wrong ideas, guessing all bite the dust allowing communication a free flow and putting a break to misconceptions and miscommunication.

Anyway …. my perplexed mind is sorting through the maze of tangled thoughts that seem to keep me from functioning normally as I seem to caught in a quagmire I need to extricate myself from. When am able to string words to make some sense and frame my thoughts into some kind of sensible thinking will post something . Till then stay blessed and smiling

“Hope is the last thing that dies in man; and though it be exceedingly deceitful, yet it is of this good use to us, that while we are traveling through life it conducts us in an easier and more pleasant way to our journey’s end. “– François de la Rochefoucauld Isnt it true that one who has no hopes of winning has already lost even before he got started.

A belief in all things going the way you want it to, A feeling things will work out the best and a positive outcome related to things, thats what hope is all about. Hope is a little different from optimisim in the sense hope is an emotional feeling where as optimism is a deliberate thought process that gives you a positive outcome because of a positive attitude.

Like a ray of sunshine , hope warms a frozen heart, like a gentle  breath of air hope breathes life into a dying man, Hope makes one achieve for it makes a discouraged tired man not want to give up, To hope is to risk pain  but what is life without that risk? Hope is so much better than despair. Hope gives you the strength to go on when things go wrong . Hope is faith holding you  in the dark and telling you when things are bad that it cant get any worse and the only way forward is for things to get better.Hope paves way to dream big and helps make those dreams come true .Hope keeps perseverance alive and so paves way for success.

So no matter what…. cling to your hopes for hopes do keep you alive. Hope gives you strength not to give up and to carry on….Sara Paddison wrote “Hope is a higher heart frequency, and as you begin to re-connect with your heart, hope is waiting to show you new possibilities and arrest the downward spiral of grief and loneliness. Listening to the still small voice in your heart will make hope into a reality.”

Just another day when those thoughts come and I decided to try my hand at creative writing as my thoughts seem to have no energy to muster anything positive to write about but I see a neccesity to pen down a few words as these days I seem to have no one to talk and share  my thoughts with. Alone and bereft as me, my thoughts decided to come up with a moment from the evening .

Sitting in the lone corner of the  park, watching the beauty of the sun doing down, the birds flying back to their nests after a hard day’s work, the warmth of the sun rays hardly touching her heart, she stares into the distant horizon , watching the lone tree standing aloof , in cold silence . The tree looked bare, all the leaves shed .The  old , garnly , twisted branches  pointing heavenwards as if in prayers. Dare I compare her to the tree??  She felt as bereft, as bare, stripped of all feelings,stripped of all emotions ,alone waiting for that blessing from the one above watching over her . In other words she was emotionally raped , bruised ,battered ,used, drained and bleeding. Would she see another spring again??

The moon makes an appearance as the sun slowly finds its way down, she looks at the moon, so etheral, beautiful touching the surroundings with her silver glow. She looks around and watches the tree, looking surreal , almost as if it was an artistes creation. Lit by the moons silvery glow it almost had a  look of  a delicate peice of art, giving it an air of fragility , as if a little gust of wind could blow it away. She wondered… would some moonlight light me up the same way some day?

The wind  gets chillier as the night advances, the woman sitting alone in the corner not aware of time passing her by. The sounds of the crickets , the only company she has ,lulling her mind to a standstill. What ails her mind? Why has she been transported to a land of  no return? A lone soul, watching life go by as a bystander instead of partaking in the festivities of life. Her body making her presence felt to the ones around her but her mind in a far far away land , much detached,  so alone , so isolated. Would she find peace any  where?

Her wandering thoughts keeping her mind busy, she gets up to go home…. An empty shell of four walls that resound with the jarring voices of those who call themselves her family.In her own world, mentally drifting she trudges along the road , her thoughts her only company. Suddenly the blaring horn of a vehicle racing by jarring her awake as she narrowly misses being mowed down. Perhaps…..its not her time yet….. No…. she wouldn’t get peace that way….. she still has to wait…. and wait she will. She walks on… with a cold chill running down her spine.Her life just goes on.

Reading something about being honest and transparent made me rethink about a lot of things. Though each one of us are taught to be honest , open and transparent how many of us really live that way. I mean we make so many shallow relationships, on the surface talk and constantly live in the fear of being exposed .  Why is it so prevalent to make friends and rarely have an open transparent relationship where you speak honestly about your strengths ,weaknesses and  about what you really believe in? Is it the fear of rejection? Is it the fear of exposure? Living like that don’t you feel there is something missing?? Sadly even when one is honest and open there is a disbelief in the authenticity  of the person because most live like frauds. Shallow lives, just a make believe life that is so fraught with the fear of being exposed for what it is . A fradulent life.

Personally I have seen that leading an honest open life is far less stressful than a shallow one that has the necessity to cover up so much. Open and honest people who are simple  gain a lot ,as people warm up to them and are very comfortable with them because of their simplicity. Most people do have appearances and images created so different than what the are, just so they can be easily accepted. So when one is honest and open , people find it easier to be honest and open with them.Because deep down that is what each one looks for acceptance of themselves as who they are. Their bare and  naked souls without the frills that give them an image of being larger than life or reality. Dont we lead such messy lives??

The bare truth is , people are attracted to truth no matter how messy it is. Nobody likes to be fooled by a lie , however little it is. So the easy  way to start being honest is to be honest with yourself first and then hang around people who believe in being open and honest like you. People who offer truth and grace. People who are comfortable with you for being yourself, for being honest and respect you enough to be that way with you themselves. That looks to me as the bare naked truth…

“You can bend it and twist it… You can misuse and abuse it… But even God cannot change the Truth.”

Michael Levy

Sometimes there are some feelings in me that I feel I should just treasure and keep alive in my heart forever. For I know these may never come back for me to experience  it again.The euphoria of spending precious stolen intimate moments with a loved one…. the feeling of the rain in my face as I sit outside and  get drenched in sudden showers…the warmth that touched my heart when someone was unexpectedly  kind to me… the squeezy feeling in my heart when I thought of all that I lost….the tears I shed when I shared a part of my life with someone , somethings that I had never spoken about before…the  huge feeling of pride when some wonderful milestones were reached in life….. the broad grin that graces my face each time I touch the borders of my hometown….the desperation I feel when I miss my loved ones……How can I cling on  to these moments, these feelings, for moments and expressions can be captured in pictures but what about the feelings? Any Idea how I can capture the nostalgia, the warmth, the love , despair ,all that I feel in my heart to keep them with me forever??