Saanams Mind

{Ok … a note for my family n frenz who read this…what I write may not necessarily be what I feel…I may just be reflecting another persons pain… So please dont worry about me.. }

A choked feeling…there was no one around…… her sobs resounding…. what was that clutching her heart?? Pain had its claws so firmly holding on to her heart, she could feel the blood dripping…. she gasped , no voice coming out…. just choking garbled noise ….. none to hear her or help her… she was isolated, away from this world …away from human beings, tucked away in a lonely place she called her private space….all alone in her mind. Her feelings raw, exposed and shivering for they did not have anything that warmed it.

Did she want to continue with this struggle called life? Did she want to breathe anymore at all…. why should she…. ?? What reasons did she have to continue  with this existence…What was left in her life??? A loneliness that surrounded all the time? A silence that killed, tears that seemed like it will never stop?? A  completely battered mind, a physical and mental exhaustion that made each breath a struggle. Isnt it just easier to let her heart bleed to death??

Wouldn’t it be so easy to just…… just…. stop breathing? To embrace the peaceful sleep forever?? To just stop trying to breathe ?? She gasps loud…. what should she do… she has to decide now… right now.

The baby’s laughter wakes her up from her thoughts…. the baby deciding for her…. does she have any choice ?? She has to continue her struggle with every breath … her responsibilities staring her at her face …. she looks around and finds what she is looking for…her mask … there it was…her faithful companion. She dons it , her smile in place as its been past few months…life has to go on like this for a few years till her child can manage without her help. She drags herself to her mirror and looks .Perfect!!!!!!!! No one would see what was in her , she had managed it again……. till they looked in her eyes.

Eyes that reflected it all…. blankness,bleakness, emptiness, pain, hurt, disillusionment and  sheer desperation. But who has the time to see her eyes?? Who reads them?? Who understands what she is going through?? NO ONE. Not a single person there to be her support…. no one to help her stand and go about life the way it should be lived. …. except maybe her false smile The smile that refuses to light her eyes up…. Maybe…. maybe one day she would be okay and make peace with life and what she faced but …. would she survive till that day???

I hope she does….if only …. if she only found strength to go on..

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