Saanams Mind

Silence seems to be the only companion I feel like trusting these days…. Why does it always seem that when you are stronger for your life’s experiences a huge wave comes and sweeps you away…. off your feet leaving you at a loss, no bearings, completely lost ….where do I go from here? What actually am I born for? How many more times do I have to hurt before I finish my life’s lessons and move on….Am I really so weak in my heart that I am suceptible to believing in love, in relationships,caring and sheer emotions when there is no such thing as pure feelings in anybody? Why am I again fooled into believing people are as I am… transparent, caring from their heart and honest.Silence shrouds my pain, I am wordless because what I feel in me is not just hurt, it is disillusionment, disappointment and a feeling of utter helplessness as I watch what I believed as the truth turn into a story of sheer fake emotions… of just what it really was mere sounds uttered as words, not actually felt from the heart as I believed it to be.Manipulation of emotions and circumstances to suit ones own purpose.

I am at my computer… music playing but speakers muted, staring blank at the screen, a million things on my mind.How many more such tests would I be put through before I learn that trust is not something you give easily? How many more such falls before I learn not everybody value friendships and relationships? How many more tears before I learn to smile again? How many more sleepless nights before I stop caring enough? How many words would I have to hear before I find one that truly means what it says? Am I losing faith in all that is pure? Am I losing faith in all that made me smile? In all that made me believe in another human. Would I ever go back to being who I was? Would I change? I guess I have changed I have learnt the world is not as beautiful as I made it look. People change according to their convenience… if you are not smart enough to accept it they just in a blink…. discard you as a person. It doesn’t matter that you were a part of their life once,it doesn’t matter their actions hurt you,  it doesn’t matter they said that you were a blessing in their life and would be precious to them all their life,…..  to them they were words, just a few sounds uttered to make you feel good …not because they meant them the way you do when you say it.

Would I change, become cynical? I just ask myself…. How many more??? Will I ever learn? Is it really worth it all….

Silence beckons… maybe I just need to stop believing…stop feeling…in other words stop living and learn to just…just exist.

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