Saanams Mind

This came up in my management class this week and I’ve been thinking about it since. In fact, we all had quite a debate on it. I thought I’d share some of my views about it on the blog here.

Stereotypes. They exist, you can defend yourself against them but can you ever deny them? You broadly classify every person in one of the ‘stereotypical’ groups the minute you see them or the minute you get to know a little about them, even if it’s only by hearsay.

By their very nature stereotypes is a word having a negative connotation. There is no person (and I talk of a reasonable man) who would voluntarily like to be classified. Most of the times people are given a title, a classification even before they can prove their mettle. And the sad part is or the point to be noted here is that most people, once given a ‘stereotypical’ title are unable to remove themselves from them. A jock remains a jock, especially until he finishes high school. He might suddenly develop an interest in theatre, but he will always be known as the guy on the football team dating the cheerleader.

As human beings we are incapable of not mentally categorizing and while this is also necessary at times it is also inescapable. Have you ever wondered that if in the 8^th grade someone had not called you a nerd or a geek you might have gone and tried out for the football team? Or if someone hadn’t not screamed ‘terrorist’ when they found of you were Muslim you might have been a little less rebellious or a little more confident and proud of who you are? (Being a Muslim, I’m very proud regardless of what people have thought of me after 9/11.)

Suddenly labeling someone has become a trend and an important part. What people do not realize is that this same labeling is detrimental to the being of most people. Agreed some people when labeled are more confident, some people are proud of being labeled and some people strive to fall and maintain the stereotype they are in. But I would think that most people do not like being labeled; most people would do better without having the additional pressures and most people long to fit into a different ‘stereotype’.

We often do not like being labeled ourselves but we never shy away from doing the same with another. Have you ever thought whether you shaped the stereotype or whether the same stereotype is responsible for shaping you? Have you ever wondered how the world would be without every blond being treated dumb, without every German being called a Nazi, every Asian being called intelligent, without every Indian being called poor and every Muslim being called a terrorist?

‘Society exists only as a mental concept, in the real world there are only individuals’
- Oscar Wilde

I came across this quote today and couldn’t help but think does a ‘society’ really exist? What is really right? What’s wrong? Who decides that? We, as humans are so caught up with what our society thinks that we forget we are also individuals.

From what I’ve always heard, Right is something which is said to be ‘socially correct’. Some others may define right as something that is in conformance with the law and the order of the land. Right has come to be believed as something that the society deems correct, the society agrees with and that with which the societal values coincide. So in short it is thus safe to come to the conclusion that right is something that is accepted by the society and thus can be said to be morally, ethically and socially right. I will come to the part about society in a bit.

Wrong is something which is not in accord with established code of conduct. I think I can also safely say that something that is contrary to the conscience or morality of law. Wrong in simpler words is the exact opposite of right. Here we take wrong in a negative connotation. Now one question that crops up in my mind and I am sure in each of our minds is that when we say a particular thing is ‘right’ while the other is ‘wrong’, why do we say that? Who determines this? Who distinguishes them and why do we take things as acceptable and unacceptable? What makes the human psyche think in such a manner and how ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ really are the things?

Most say it is the society that decides but then comes my above point, who is this ‘society’ and how does it decide? Why does the so called ‘society’, assuming such a body exists, decide and differentiate between these things?

I’ve taken sociology in school and am currently taking in college. From what I’ve learned, ‘Society’ is said to be a group of individuals that are primarily characterized by common interests, needs and goals. It is also said to be a totality of all human relationships and organizations. If we take this to be true then it is safe to assume that every living being would be a part of society per se and hence be involved in the decision making process of right and wrong, no? However this is not so since objectively speaking, no individual would do something he himself has christened as wrong. Assuming such a society does decide the right and wrong, what I want to know now is that on what basis is the punishment decided for committing a wrong?

Many times I’ve heard people around me say that humans are born with an innate sense of moral responsibility and a sense of justice, a sense of right and wrong. So..does that mean that some people are more fortunate than others in this gift and thus some go on the ‘right path’ and some on the ‘wrong path’? But then many times what is considered right in some parts/places of the world is considered wrong in the others. What is the reason for that? Does this sense we possess differ so much? Why is say for example abortion or mercy killing legal or ‘right’ in some countries while illegal or ‘wrong’ in the others? (With that said, consider that without thinking about the role that religion plays in my example!)

Many also say that it is the society we live in that grooms us, teaches us and influences our decisions of right and wrong. If that is so does this merely increase our innate sense and give it meaning or does it over write what we were supposed to be born with?

I just want to know is there even a society that exists or is it a fragment of our imagination, something we can blame our faults upon? Does there exist this amalgamation of bodies, of humans, of organizations that decides or is instrumental in the way we think and analyze or are we our own people, merely individuals, who decide for ourselves?

I’ve always believed and practiced that each individual makes their own decisions. I don’t believe in letting the society make decisions for me or influence me to think about what they consider to be ‘Right’ is indeed right. Maybe I’m wrong…but according who? I can honestly say that half the time, I don’t agree with anything our so-called society has to say about anything. I don’t agree with the “dos and donts” of the society. Does that make me a sinner? Does that make me a bad person? Does that mean that society shouldn’t accept me as a human? Or does it sincerely means that I believe in making my own choices and learn from them?

I was reading through an article in the newspaper that was speaking about giving in kindness and taking with gratitude. Had me thinking about this whole concept of giving and taking. While all of us do little acts of kindness, sometimes impulsively being generous, we are gifted with this  calmness, a feel good factor that gives us immense satisfaction. On the other hand we are very uncomfortable with taking. When others do us a turn of good, we feel indebted to them, obligated to return the favour or just feel inundated with an immense feeling of gratitude. We are not gracious in accepting as we are in giving.

Is it our upbringing that makes us feel good about giving and not taking??Is that why we are always stumped when we come across someone who does us a favour? Are we brought up and conditioned to feel guilty when we accept things or favours from others?

Maybe its just our time to take . Like it is our time to give at certain times, sometimes its just our time to take and accept it with gratitude. Maybe we have to look at it in a little different way and realise that when we take we also give the person giving that sense of calmness, that feeling of self satisfaction and then accept the gesture graciously.

“In this endless game of give n take, maybe we should just play along,taking and giving as life asks us to, enjoying the gifts as we take and give , without grudging our ‘misfortune’ of being takers , not feeling lesser for being a taker or feeling superior for being a giver”

Though emotions were never meant to be the fuel that runs our lives, as a woman more often than not I have allowed emotion to rule my life. Feelings that are positive  normally give you the energy to do so much more but  the negative emotions are the ones we need to be wary of. They can devastate or crush you, not only permanantly damaging your self-beliefs but also inducing you to make poor judgements and decisions.Emotions like peace, contentment,   excitement , happiness, love, confidence and hope gives you an elation and a feeling you are the master of your own life, controlling whatever happens in it. But for each of this positive feeling  there is a negative one lurking around just waiting to burst the bubble . Anger, Jealousy, rage, frustration, hurt, unhappiness ,helplessness .These negative emotions can just flip your life around making one feel insecure, hopeless, depressed and in all totally devastated…giving you a feeling that your life is so totally out of control.

As they say life happens  n when it does, we allow our emotions to react in a knee jerk way allowing the impulsive  reactions to take control of our actions making some wrong moves that can lead to further stress and in a way a further mess in life. They bring on lingering sadness and drag you into a never ending spiral, a vaccum that you just get sucked into as you continue making more bad decisions in life,governed by irrational behaviour. So how does one cope then?

When I feel negative emotions , I generally convince myself not to get carried away and do something that I may regret later. I tell myself I have something to learn from this and generally dont allow that emotion to linger for more than a day or so..I make it a point to write down what I feel, why I feel it and also why feeling that way is not good for me. By then most of the steam runs out.If it is a lingering feeling I try and figure out what it is that is making me feel that way..and then probably try and change the situation, if not I work on trying to change the feeling by doing something that makes me feel happy.Apart from that I always start focussing on my health and give myself more time, to exercise , to eat well and eat what I like, to indulge in a little of pampering in a spa or beauty salon. That is a feel good factor for me and I have always believed a healthy body always gives way to a healthy mind. So that keeps my emotions in line.

Reading a lot, on self help, positivity and a lot of humour too keeps those negative emotions at bay.It offers a completely different perspective and makes you think more on why you should not be hanging on to those energy depleting emotions. What about you ? Do you let emotions to control whatever you do in life or do you allow your head to rule your heart ?? Do share .

Everybody once in a while wants to escape reality, right? But we can’t always do it or fly to wherever it is we want to go, so how do you turn your mundane world into your escape?

For me, I escape reality by writing, putting down my thoughts and do some deep thinking. I choose books, music, and friends. Basically, I get lost in my friends and my music.I get lost in somebody else’s life so I don’t have to deal with mine. My music keeps me going, it makes me do a lot of deep thinking and a loads of soul-searching. I’ve often been told that what I listen to is not reality, its someone’s thoughts…but then how is it that my thoughts are exactly the same? Why do I get lost into those thoughts? Sometimes, it’s not even a necessary escape for me; sometimes… well, it just happens.

Lately, I feel that I’ve had the need to think more, to write more, to go in for a lot of soul-searching, to get lost more. I know it’s not the greatest defense to deal with my problems, but it helps me stay calm and most probably positive about things that are terrifying me inside. It helps me find my own way to cope.

Is there a chance you could ever get so lost, you can’t get back out again? I don’t know really… maybe it depends on the escape, right? My escapes aren’t that damaging to life, or at least I think so. But other people have different escapes, may it be drugs, alcohol, thrill-seeking, etc. So for those people, how do they know when it’s time to stop faking and time to start dealing? How does anyone know? Do you wait for it to get that bad?

I don’t know really. If you haven’t realized by now, I like to pose questions that have many answers, some of which are clear and some of which are not. But, that’s life right? Sometimes it’s clear and fun and other times it’s all muddled up with so much crap that you don’t know how to deal.

Sometimes I feel that escaping reality for a little bit makes me a better person inside. It gives me hope that everything will be Okie eventually. I like to think that I don’t do deep thinking but in reality, I do.

That’s my way of escaping reality. What’s yours?

Over the years I’ve met a lot of people in person and online. Friendships have been formed… some have faded from sight, some simply fell apart as our paths took us in opposite directions, some were broken due to fights, and lucky some are stronger than ever.

It was a slow realization but it hit me today that really the people I’ve been turning to lately haven’t been my old friends.

At one point over the past few months I had one of those old friends tell me that she didn’t feel like she knew me any more. Part of me, of course, wonders how well the ‘older’ friends really know/knew me to begin with since I was so closed until more recently. I think that the dissolving of some of these relationships lately has been because I am more open, I am more positive, I don’t hold back, and maybe it’s just too much. My opinions before were stated but often muted a bit… but were still considered to be blunt, when now it’s been upped a few notches to what I really think… I don’t believe in sugar-coating, never have and probably never will.

Really though I’m finding that a lot of people don’t like it when you’re straight-forward about what you think or believe. We live in a society, it seems, where people prefer you to lie to them so they can believe whatever it is they want to believe instead of being faced with what you really think. That’s not the kind of friend I prefer though – I’d much rather have one who I can always know where I stand with. We might not always agree, things might not always be pretty – but it’s not glossed over and watered down or, worse yet, just completely false. I can handle truth, but absolutely feel ill when I find out someone’s going to different people with different stories (and there’s always someone who’ll do this – sometimes though you find yourself disappointed by the one who decided to play all sides of the fence and pretty much just screw everyone over).

It was in evaluating my friendships with a few people that my thoughts began coming down this road, but that’s not to say that it’s all pertaining to any certain individual or individuals. My thoughts to this point really have been very general, and as they’re beginning to feel more specific I’ll end. One thing, though, is for damned sure. Right or wrong I’m true to myself. I never pretend. What I say is what I really think and feel.

To reflect this though I’m trying to change a few things in my life and that includes cleaning up a lot of things. If I’ve not had a real conversation with you outside of few comments here and there in a while or there hasn’t been some sort of other interaction you’ve been removed, regardless of how long I’ve known you or the type of friendship we’ve had in the past. I have decided to start afresh & so in order to do that would want to start off with only the people I have a personal connection with. I don’t mean to make it personal, so please don’t take it as such. I feel that I would rather relate to people I connect with no matter how my relation ships have been in the past.

If you think you can relate to the new me and want to connect with me, you are more than welcome to do so.

“Sometimes it’s the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.”
Keri Russell

“Some choices we live not only once but a thousand times over, remembering them for the rest of our lives.”
Richard Bach

“A wise man makes his own decisions, an ignorant man follows public opinion”

I was thinking about these when I  wished  I had changed a bit about a few  things a little earlier. I would have spared myself a lot of pain and agony. Sometimes because of  a hope things may change or maybe because you hope somewhere your feelings on it are wrong and things are not that bad, you keep postponing  decisions . Here are a few of my decisions I wish I had made earlier and not delayed them.

*To walk away before my dignity and confidence is in shreds. Just the hope that things will change and get better   keeps you hanging on to situations, people and places you should move off from. What one never realises is there is slow corrosion, an eating into your self confidence, your dignity. So best to move on  fast before the damage is irreparable. The eternal optimist in me stopped me many a times from just walking away. Not anymore.

**To be happy no matter what… sometimes when life throws curves at you, you are not prepared for it…you get dragged down , pulled down and you forget to revel in the sheer essence of life. Past few months have been a big big drain on my energies. I started getting so cynical that I scared myself. From a person who took happiness in little things I had changed into one who would break into tears at the slightest provocation. But stop….I decided I have the strings of my attitude n my life in my own hands and I made the right choice….to be happy no matter what. I should have done it earlier.

***To give up when there is no scope for any change in situations. Sometimes we just wish we had the power to change situations, to make things better, to probably stop someone from making mistakes in their lives that may change everything for them. You can’t . Sometimes things are just meant to be and if inspite of you trying, things worsen you can just wait and watch things crumble, maybe help pick up pieces if you can later if the time and situation is open to it.

****To trust just myself and my feelings more than the opinion of others. Often we give so much of importance to what others think or feel inspite of our gut and senses telling us its wrong and things are not just the way the others seem to think it is. I have for a long long time just relied on my gut feel and intuition  more than the judgement or opinions of others and I cant tell you the freedom it gives me. At the end of the day I am responsible for whatever I choose as I dont rely on what others say much and that means I take onus for what goes wrong in my life as well. I just wish I had done it earlier ….specially when some life altering decisions were made for me.

*****To actually not expect back anything when you give something. Not even love, care  warmth or trust . I have realised this the hard hard way. I am by nature a caring giving human being and I have seen how things get taken for granted when one takes your care n warmth n love for granted. Some people infact use the very same for their own ends and I have realised sitting and waiting for that person to recognise goodness will never happen. You have given a part of you … let it go. You have done what probably comes naturally to you. Your returns come in the way of the peace you get for being true to who you are. I wish I realised this earlier ….would have saved myself many a heart break that came when people are rude, uncaring, insensitive , hateful and plain obnoxious Now I tell myself Forgive them  because they honestly don’t know any better.

So are there any decisions you wish you had made earlier that has changed some part of you for the better? Do share for there could be something we can learn from each other.

I don’t think we’re thankful enough. We, humans want everything and we want it instantly but are we ever thankful for what we are blessed with? I honestly don’t think so. We aren’t thankful enough. Thankful to God, to people around us, to our loved ones..for everything we are blessed with in our lives.

Though I’m thankful to God for many things, I still think I don’t appreciate it enough as I should. Little things that I have been blessed with. The people who make my life so beautiful and make me appreciate so much each moment I breathe. There are few very very special people in my life who have been my great strength through some very difficult times. They have been there when I didn’t think I deserved anyone in my life. They’ve understood me when no one was willing to even listen to what I felt or wanted in life. So I’m very thankful to God for sending these angels into my life. They have been true blessings. They have been there to see me go through up and down in life and have encouraged me only to think and do positive. They have given my reasons to look at the bright side of everything.

Why are we humans so selfish? Why do we want everything but don’t take the time to thank God for giving it all to us? Why don’t we appreciate what we have instead of always praying and hoping for more? Are we really all about materialistic things?

Feeling very happy, blessed, thankful and at peace at the moment. We all make mistakes but whether we learn from our mistakes is what makes us different from others. I have certainly learned from past mistakes and experiences. I hope God keeps showing me the right path and gives me much more to be thankful for.

Here’s little something that has always inspired me to do my best and be grateful to God for all I have and God Willing, will have

Tere Rang Rang – Abrar-ul-Haq

“Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be attained only by someone who is detached”
Simone Weil

Attachment and relationships. Do they have to go hand in hand with each other???? When we speak of attachments, we speak the fear we have of losing the other, we speak of the fear of losing the acceptance of another. Attachments demand and when the demands are not met, we get hurt, we get angry etc.Attachments generally generate a lot of fear, hatred,jealousy and insecurity.So if you really look at it attachments should not go hand in hand with relationships.

Since attachment makes you depend on another person to make you feel good, you crave the acceptance of another person, his thoughts, his behaviour and his actions towards you making you feel either  good or bad. When that person’s thoughts about you change, you start to feel unsure about yourself, you get self doubts and an uncertainity about who you are.We spend  most of our lives in trying to get that continuity in the assurance of feelings of the person in us.Living in constant fear of when that person may not accept the person you are. So is attachment really a necessary aspect of relationships ?

No. So why do we get attached?

Every human being is born with an expectation. An expectation to be happy. So all our lives we scramble behind this happiness looking for continuity in this feeling.So expectation in something or someone who actually cannot ensure its continuity , certainity or consistency is called attachment.

Instead, if we look within and learn to trust who we are, trust in what we feel about ourselves and trust in the understanding of who we absolutely are, we would not look for this acceptance elsewhere .  When we fail to accept who we are deep within, we look to seek approval in what the others accept of us and thus we get attached. Others perception of you, your attitude, your status, money etc becomes what one looks as his value and in that one seeks acceptance.

Each of us look to be secure. Both emotionally and physically. When someone makes you feel secure, you become dependent on them to make you feel so.You feel good about being around that person . When that changes, you have a sense of loss, a vaccum created by the attachment you have with that person or maybe a thing, a place.

Relationships in reality should be free of all this dependence ,it should be unconditional acceptance of who one is. Its only when one starts believing in the absolute value of who he is, of what his purpose and place in life is , then one is free of attachments, of giving more importance to what the other feels rather than what one feels. That is the only route to Happiness.

Wishing everyone a wonderful Diwali. As the festival of lights is a celebration of the victory of good over evil, may it brighten up each life with laughter, happiness and success and good luck. May each heart be filled with goodness and kindness. Let go of all bad thoughts, bad feelings and find it in you to forgive every thing that went wrong the year gone by.

God bless you all!!!