Woke to a very very dull morning, my mind pulling me down really really low.For some illogical reason, my heart is weeping a lot today.I just need to pen down what I feel even though I don’t like people being privy to my lows …. just one of those days when I need to get my thoughts out ,sort them out and so I do so here.
Impending doom looms around the corner. The pit of my stomach just feels like a vaccum thats sucking all breath out of me… try as I might I am unable to pull my self upright …I keep slipping and sliding into this whole vaccum of emptiness that I am so exhausted pulling myself out of. I have tried it all… distractions, staying numb, self talk, positive people around me, travel, books , music ,silence, noise but nothing is helping me anymore…. I just feel like resting my tired arms and saying its ok just give up. This is where you are meant to be and just stay there forever…maybe thats all you can do. You have tried n tried enough … now just give up. Exhaustion…pain….hurt …emptiness and a cold cold numbness…. all around me a just sense of gloom.
I await a fresh breath of air, something that can breathe life into the lifeless me…. I await a warmth that can thaw my frozen heart…I await a helping hand that can pull me up and make me see sunshine again….I await a smile that can light me up from within….. but nah …. my wait is a for a lifetime, for now let me make myself comfortable in this cold frozen floor, lying among the broken shattered remnants of the one I once was … among the tiny fragments of my happiness, shredded apart, among the shattered pieces of my broken heart, among the lifelessness of the actions that my body does automatically, my smiles that once lit my face a faded memory, my laughter fluttering away like butterflies so far out of my reach. Let me freeze myself into a cold cold existence till the even more colder hands of death tightens its hold over my neck….till it tightens to a point of no return …. the warm hands of death embracing me and taking me with them to an unknown realm ….
Peace at long last then ….maybe…
December 15th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
Hmmmmm…luv u Di… I really dont know what to write or say as I am going through the same phase for past 4 days. May be coz we are sick, we feeling this way. Sometimes when you are sick, it drains all the energy you have and you no more feel enthusiastic about anything or anybody around you. Do you remember me telling you that when I was sick, i knew you were sick too? Dont know why I had felt this way. hmmm. I am sure we both need to give ourselves some time to recuperate from this sickness. I know there are lot of other things thats happening around too hmm but I guess we need to concentrate on one thing right now and that is to get well soon. I am sure di, once you will feel better, you wont feel blue like this…But you will see a brite sunshine around you. Love you loads n pls get well soon.
December 15th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
love u too bachha 224 always .