Saanams Mind

Its been a while since I felt beautiful. Either bogged down by my thoughts, others actions targeting me n weighing my outlook towards life down, I found it so hard to believe in anyone, trust anyone . I would look at each sentence anyone uttered as something with a motive behind it. Far from the beauty, only the ugly side of life,lies, manipulation, gossip, rudeness and cruel actions with cruel intentions, hurtful words intended to cause harm beyond the thinkable followed me around, all covered under a haze of not taking responsibility for ones own actions, passing the buck so as to say, running away, avoiding and washing ones hands off the situation by just a few words…YOU are responsible for feeling miserable and YOU are the one who has your feelings in your hands. You cannot allow someone else to mess around your mind.

Sounds Good in books but takes a lot to put it to practice. But yes I did it. Even though it took me a bit to lick my wounds, I am trying and not because someone has to feel good about not being responsible for their actions but because regardless of their indifference to the damage they caused another person, I couldn’t destroy the person I had worked hard to be all the past years. It only takes a little time to stop breathe in the air and focus around.

The beauty that escapes you always leaves a hungry soul behind and while I may have written the dark side of life, I do so to highlight the beauty around, the stark differences I find between what I wrote above and what am about to write now … the things that made me smile even as my heart cried, things that gave me hope that life must go on even though my soul felt bleak.

The smile my kids gave me when they saw me soon after getting back from school the love my friends showered me with, their antics n conversations all targeted at making my heart feel light, the listening ear of friends who did not judge , just sat silent hearing me out and wiping my tears, The butterflies I watched outside my window when I wanted to blank my thoughts out. The scenes I saw through my camera lens as I drowned myself in photography, the laughter from the belly my hubby laughed at some inane joke I cracked, the immense satisfaction that I did not give in to my bitterness though I had all reasons to feel bitter ,the thought that my upbringing was strong enough to help me hold my head high and to hold on to my principles even when the going got tough, the refusal to give in to lying even when it offered an easy way out,the wind that touched my face when I felt suffocated, the smell of rain and the water on my face when I walked out to wash the tear trails on my face. The fragrance of freshly washed clothes that I smelt even as I buried my face in them to cry. In the sense of pride I felt at myself for being able to forgive easily….not for the other person only but for myself and pray for them with a clean heart and really mean ing every word of what I ask God .The fact that I can apologize without my EGO getting in the way when I feel I have done some wrong. The sunset and the calm in brings as the day ends …. so much more..

There is beauty in ugliness too…. if only you look for it….if only you decide no matter what you need to Feel Beautiful. I Feel Beautiful just for being alive. How do you feel beautiful???Or what makes you feel beautiful??
Do you see beauty around in small things?

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