Saanams Mind

Thoughts and memories they haunt her, robbing her of her sleep….She wakes up at all weird hours battling her insomnia , mind so restless , seeking a peace that will give her a night’s rest. Her feelings clutch her heart giving her an eerie sense of being suspended in time, pain predominantly ruling her life. A pain so so acute that it feels as if a knife is passing through her chest.She wakes up, clutching her chest as she takes labored long breath to regularize her agitated heart beats.

There she is again in that twilight zone, alone with her thoughts n feelings staring into a distant horizon, waiting for day break , hoping for a ray of sunshine to warm her life up as well. Her thoughts again swimming in the whirlpool of emotions , bringing a flood of tears to her eyes. She doesn’t like this at all. This is not what her destiny was…How could she fade way into nothingness this way.

But nothingness beckoned her. A blank lifeless feeling that seemed more attractive than all that was around….Where was she lost, in the quagmire of her thoughts , trying to find her way out. She seemed so so lost…..zoned out in a twilight zone .

A ray of sunlight touches my face ,warming me up slowly. I look into the distant horizon as the sun welcomes me to the new day. As I stretch my arms n wake up to a lazy day, the birds call out beckoning me to go n peer outside. As I walk allong the beach, the sea playing a game of touch n go with my feet, I listen to the sound of the waves , they calm my senses down, making it easier for me to sit n meditate.

A silent breeze touches my face
At last I see myself out of the race
For I feel no more out of place
Protected by all of Gods Grace.

The quietness around beckons me
For there is a lot to feel n see
To let myself stay n let me be
From my minds tangles set free.

Like the sea, the waves ebbing n retreating, thoughts in and out of my mind as I try and find a plane where I can just pray n be one with God. A sense of calm pervades my mind. Peace prevails, just the sound of waves and the birds chirp filling my mind , making me aware of the presence of Him all around. My salvation, my protector, one who always holds me dear to his heart. A drop of water touches my nose as my eyes open.

Across the earth silken ropes slant
The cleansing that’s heaven sent
Rains poured as if it was meant
To clean me ,who was totally spent.

On me as the rains lashed down
Wiping away from my face the frown
Refusing to let me go and drown
Or mope and cry in Sadness town.

I breathed in the scent of the freshly dampened mud, the aroma filling my senses with a new kind of enthusiasm .With the thought of my loved ones I opened my eyes to a new day with the sun shining bright.The bright hues of the flowers, the sea so blue, the gentle breeze as it ruffles my hair, as I walk through. The bees buzzing around my ear, the butterfly touching the rose, the sun winking at me through the clouds.

The clouds in my mind clears
As I join my friends my peers,
As the rain washes away my tears.
For I have no more demons or fears.

Its been a year today since my Hubby lost his mom n I lost my mom in law. Peace be with her.A year that began with her death n I never knew what storms were in store for me following that. So many things happened from the last year 24th Jan…I rather think of the year as a nightmare I woke up from, since I weathered through the upheavals and am still surviving albeit a few lesser smiles . In a couple of days time , I celebrate yet another new year of my life and I do hope n pray this year shows me a reflection of the person I was before last year. One who knew to appreciate the colors of the rainbow.What I wrote above was just a hand at trying and looking at the color in life Hope u guys like it.

A weird kind of fog settles around her. A haze of uncertainity, of confusion or more a disinterest in all that is around. A misfit that she feels she is , she wonders what she is doing still alive, still among people who just absolutely don’t give a damn. There may be so many who pray for a longer life, for a little more grace period to live, but she wonders why she is still here on this earth, why she hasn’t been knocked off for good.

As that mechanical smile, the mechanical actions of hers and the daily life moves on, listening to someone drone about the stock markets, someone talk about their children and then some discuss the current box office hits, a few waxing lessons about how to live ideal lives and more philosophies, she is drifting. She hears yet doesnt listen as her mind is asking her what are you doing here??? You don’t belong here…You dont belong anywhere… Maybe you just don’t ‘belong’.

A rat race called life. Is it worth the pain, the tears, the heart breaks, the fears? The silence seems more comforting than the noise around , then why not be claimed by silence for good?Everything on earth looks so superficial. A make believe, a fantasy that is no longer real. No real people, no real feelings. Nothing real except oneself. If you want to ‘belong’ think just for yourself .If you want to feel a part learn ’selfishness’ go after just what you want and forget the rest.’Myself’ that is the world…nothing beyond ‘Me’.

Is this what human life is all about she wonders. A race to get more for yourself? A race against yourself or a race against others for yourself…is there all there is to it? ‘Me’???

One day…real soon she will give it all up. She decided. Her relationships, emotional bonds, her life, her comforts everything and try and explore what it is to sacrifice ‘herself’ for the happiness of others. She will move ahead and work for those who need help…nothing for herself just maybe the satisfaction of helping another and being blessed by their smiles.

But is that selflessness?? Isn’t there an ulterior motive of seeking peace for herself there….??? Life..when was it ever easy to unravel???

A ‘Misfit’ she felt. A ‘Misfit’ she was.

Searching for some spiritual relationships she lost her way … all seemed so shallow ….nothing looked deep, all a front, a pretense to make everything look fine and dandy.But deep down she knew she was fishing in shallow waters yet drowning ,tangled up in the quagmire of her thoughts… A cobweb of mixed up feelings , a tangle of pain and laughter , confusion and realization, she was getting all tied up in the mess that her mind and emotions created.

Tangled …thats what she felt she was in this world. A mangled mess of human bonds, emotional bonds, relationships, thoughts and feelings. Gasping and holding on to straws her scrambled brain searched for some deeper meaning to life… a search for a light to brighten the darkened corner of her world ….but alas , her search always resulted in her stumbling and falling in the dark again.

What is that elusive thing that escapes her every time?. Is it clarity in thought? Is it peace of mind ? Is it oneness with God? Is it love? Is it relating to someone? Is it understanding?? Is it a search for truth?? Is it answers for questions in her mind? There she went, her mind again in a tangle of questions …. n then some more questions .

“Help…help me !! some one pull me out of this whirlpool, out of this black hole am being sucked into, help me untie myself from the tangle of my thoughts’”she cried but she seemed alone all by herself… then a voice said…” You die alone , so learn to live alone. The purpose of your life is to discover your gift, develop it as the work of your life and then give it away .That should tell you the meaning of life.”Looking around , she saw footprints that were invisible , she realized that only HE walks with her . As a warmth engulfed her and took her hands ,she knew she could move forward in the belief that God would lead her the right way.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Reinhold Niebuhr

Okie am back to a little bit of  story telling or creative writing…. continuing in the words of a woman who is hurt within. Maybe  my fictional friend does have traces of me, traces of my friends and family who I have seen go through what  I call personal and emotional hell.

She wakes up with the thought that today would be a little different from the days that went by. She would get herself past her emotional trauma and look at life with a little more zest. She knows time waits for none , so why spend it crying or hurting. As the day goes on…. she realises it.

The hurt…it still breathes within her. Not very noticable to all but those who have known her see it in the droop of her mouth when she thinks no one is looking at her. It is still alive in the tears that fill her eyes when she is all alone and has only her thoughts for company. It shows that it is alert when she senses that she doesnt have the patience to do anything that she enjoyed doing earlier. Its shows its merciless self when it keeps her awake each night , emboldened  and active reminding her each day of the events that made her feel so much of pain.

It gives her company, breathing and living through her as she goes about her day to day life …. doing her work, living each day by rota, doing what has to be done. It gives her company when she sits alone trying to make sense of the words that dance in the book she holds in her hand . Though she reminds herself she is grown up, an adult who has all her life been  in complete control of herself ….it rears its ugly head time and again, remembering, reminiscing, thinking, wishing, wanting and wondering.She swiftly tries to push it away keeping herself too busy to allow thoughts to linger, distracting herself with too many things to do… working herself till she is bone weary and can slip into the oblivion that  sleep beckons.

She succeeds too….till after a couple of hours , tears dampening her cheeks wake her up to feel the pain yet again …. Memories, dont they ever fade?? Trust once broken, cant it be put together again?? Cant she mourn the days gone by and move on??? Can she try to forget the pain and the circumstances leading to it?? Can she make peace with the pain that got her loneliness?? Can she get over the pain that alienated her from everybody….

Move on….her mind says… but move on where? She has changed…nothing seems the same again. Her whole way of looking at life, her life  and her attitude has changed. The pain rears its ugly self again ….asking her now what and where would you go without me?? Constant companion, thats what it is to her …. she is managing …but is the pain managing her???

Its not easy…. the emotion rages….she hurts still.

She woke up to a day with a not so good, sinking feeling in her stomach.Yet again a wave of sheer despair evident in her eyes. How long should she live such a life of loneliness. Why couldnt she flush the past and move ahead with all she had. Her biggest problem being that she could not trust anyone with what was in her thoughts. If she did someone else  would be hugely affected and she could not risk that could she?

She got off her bed and went about her daily motions as if she was pre programmed to do them. A bleak , slow listlessness seen in every moment. She feeds the other members of her family and then starts to dread the time she would be alone once they all left home for their daily schedules.

Now what?….the thoughts that trouble her, plague her are at it again.She is alone and no one to hide from.If she gave in the tears would never stop and if she held it in ,her heart would bleed tears of blood. What could she do now? Her head heavy and emotions haywire she sits counting hours till the family came back….atleast then she can immerse herself in their needs and not face her thoughts.

Each moment seeming like an hour, the thoughts surfacing again and again…how could they hurt her  so…in between bouts of weeping and falling asleep in exhaustion, her days pass, till its evening.She gets up takes a shower and makes herself presentable .One by one they return and start making individual demands on her time.One or two of them noticing her red rimmed eyes asking her if she is well.She looks, smiles and brushes it off as a headache ….then asks herself why she has become this pathetic excuse for a human being …

Yet another day gone by…and she has a lifetime to live this way…could she pull it off this way each day?

{Ok … a note for my family n frenz who read this…what I write may not necessarily be what I feel…I may just be reflecting another persons pain… So please dont worry about me.. }

A choked feeling…there was no one around…… her sobs resounding…. what was that clutching her heart?? Pain had its claws so firmly holding on to her heart, she could feel the blood dripping…. she gasped , no voice coming out…. just choking garbled noise ….. none to hear her or help her… she was isolated, away from this world …away from human beings, tucked away in a lonely place she called her private space….all alone in her mind. Her feelings raw, exposed and shivering for they did not have anything that warmed it.

Did she want to continue with this struggle called life? Did she want to breathe anymore at all…. why should she…. ?? What reasons did she have to continue  with this existence…What was left in her life??? A loneliness that surrounded all the time? A silence that killed, tears that seemed like it will never stop?? A  completely battered mind, a physical and mental exhaustion that made each breath a struggle. Isnt it just easier to let her heart bleed to death??

Wouldn’t it be so easy to just…… just…. stop breathing? To embrace the peaceful sleep forever?? To just stop trying to breathe ?? She gasps loud…. what should she do… she has to decide now… right now.

The baby’s laughter wakes her up from her thoughts…. the baby deciding for her…. does she have any choice ?? She has to continue her struggle with every breath … her responsibilities staring her at her face …. she looks around and finds what she is looking for…her mask … there it was…her faithful companion. She dons it , her smile in place as its been past few months…life has to go on like this for a few years till her child can manage without her help. She drags herself to her mirror and looks .Perfect!!!!!!!! No one would see what was in her , she had managed it again……. till they looked in her eyes.

Eyes that reflected it all…. blankness,bleakness, emptiness, pain, hurt, disillusionment and  sheer desperation. But who has the time to see her eyes?? Who reads them?? Who understands what she is going through?? NO ONE. Not a single person there to be her support…. no one to help her stand and go about life the way it should be lived. …. except maybe her false smile The smile that refuses to light her eyes up…. Maybe…. maybe one day she would be okay and make peace with life and what she faced but …. would she survive till that day???

I hope she does….if only …. if she only found strength to go on..

A dull throb in the place that used to be her heart … she has forgotten what it is to Feel the’ pain’… its become a part of her life,  for she has not seen the other side of the coin in a long time. Is there something called a pain free life ?? A life that has no  tears…. Oh yes that used to be a long long time ago…the memories still fresh in her mind of a time that seemed so long ago..

Inspite of the tough life she had lead , she was a lively sprightly person… one full of life …so focussed on taking every moment of happiness, each smile that came her way.There was nothing that could stop her from being on cloud 9 …. nothing… so what if there were cloudy days, so what if her life had so many curves and downhills that hampered her growth, there was so much to live for, so much to smile and be happy about. Her footsteps had a spring to it, a life of their own, She was considered the life of any gathering, one who spread smiles around and made laughter contagious then one day it changed…… changed for ever….

How could she have allowed it to happen??? She centred her life around just a few people who kept her so energised and happy… They were her life… people she would have done anything for….then what changed??? Did she change? Did they change? Circumstances changed …. life changed and  her world crumbled. Silence took the place where music once stood….laughter  was pushed out and tears took its place, quiet confidence was pushed aside and a quiet pain took its place ….her  world didnt seem what she always lived in… disillusioned,  embittered and losing faith each day in human nature… she wondered is this life??

Is this all there is to it. A  temporary  comfort people took in each other only to forget each other in their scramble of life’s race….where was affection?… where was the bonding?….where was the care??…..were they mere words??…did one really mean it when they say it or was it so fragile a bond that it broke and crashed with one difference that came up??? Was love just a four letter word that had absolute no meaning to it??? She thought it did because to her it did mean something.

She looked at the far away horizon lost in thoughts, the pain she carried in her heart a reminder of the scars that would remain a life time….she would recover …life would go on but that pain would it dullen?? Would it go away??? Didnt seem like it to her anymore…Tears continued rolling down her cheeks…they would as long as the pain was the heavy burden she carried in her heart…She had changed … Irrevocably…because of PAIN.

“Love means exposing yourself to the pain of being hurt, deeply hurt by some one you trust.”

“I understand with love comes pain, but why did I have to love so much?”…….

….It really hurts !!!

{Another attempt at some more creative style of writing }

She felt the pain deep within her heart…. a slow bleeding death of something. What was withering towards its end in her??? Is it hope? Is it faith? Is it belief in herself ? Is it her blind belief in the one she loved so whole heartedly? A lone tear making its path down on her cheeks she sees a lonely tough track ahead …. a steep climb up to reach towards what she had set out to do for herself, seek a strong self image, to make herself strong enough not to need anybody around her. To seek some sunshine in her life wrought with storms ….wait….there had to be a reason for her to face all this. This just could’nt be what she was born to do… This just was not what she aimed for in life… where had she lost her way????

She  looks around… was there anyone to help her through this…. somewhere she had alienated herself from all the others in her endeavor to protect the persons she cared for. She had shut out many people and crossed many just because they didnt stand up for them the way she did every time …. so what was she left with in the end…. a lonely  life where even the ones she stood up for abandoned her and walked away…. looking forward to making their dreams come true…. trampling on her feelings, on her caring heart and killing her faith and belief in human nature itself… was she really what she was called?  Toilet paper… flushed after use???

The tears roll faster now… “where…when… why… how could I have lost my way?”  The vibrancy of the sunshine she had in her looked like a pale cloud, the fragrance of the flowers faded into a stale smell, the music of her laughter that tinkled earlier , now muffled sobs …heart wrenchingly painful. What she needed to do was write an eulogy for the phase she had gone through…So she wrote …. ” I mourn for the death of this terrible phase of my life, one where everything looked bleak, hopeless and miserable. Along with it it takes away my tears, sadness, loneliness and  helplessness”

As she looked at the the distant sun she decides, …”No, tears are for the weak and timid, this is ME,  someone I respect for her inner strength…One who I looked upto for the strength of charecter….I cannot let her die and wither away this way….I deserve more”  She stands up and walks away, a new vibrancy to her walk, a spring to her step and a smile on her face… Life must go on and she would lead it the way she is meant to… with hope, with postivity and optimism …. A new day in every way.

“Don’t spend major time with minor people.If there are people in your life who continually disappoint you, break promises, stomp on your dreams, are too judgmental, have different  values and don’t have your back during difficult times…that is not friendship.To have a friend, be a friend.Sometimes in life as you grow, your friends will either grow or go. Surround yourself with people who reflect values, goals interests and lifestyles. Remember what your elders used to say,”Birds of a feather flock together.If you’re an eagle, don’t hang around chickens:Chickens can’t fly!”

Hope You Guys like it God speed !!!!

Just another day when those thoughts come and I decided to try my hand at creative writing as my thoughts seem to have no energy to muster anything positive to write about but I see a neccesity to pen down a few words as these days I seem to have no one to talk and share  my thoughts with. Alone and bereft as me, my thoughts decided to come up with a moment from the evening .

Sitting in the lone corner of the  park, watching the beauty of the sun doing down, the birds flying back to their nests after a hard day’s work, the warmth of the sun rays hardly touching her heart, she stares into the distant horizon , watching the lone tree standing aloof , in cold silence . The tree looked bare, all the leaves shed .The  old , garnly , twisted branches  pointing heavenwards as if in prayers. Dare I compare her to the tree??  She felt as bereft, as bare, stripped of all feelings,stripped of all emotions ,alone waiting for that blessing from the one above watching over her . In other words she was emotionally raped , bruised ,battered ,used, drained and bleeding. Would she see another spring again??

The moon makes an appearance as the sun slowly finds its way down, she looks at the moon, so etheral, beautiful touching the surroundings with her silver glow. She looks around and watches the tree, looking surreal , almost as if it was an artistes creation. Lit by the moons silvery glow it almost had a  look of  a delicate peice of art, giving it an air of fragility , as if a little gust of wind could blow it away. She wondered… would some moonlight light me up the same way some day?

The wind  gets chillier as the night advances, the woman sitting alone in the corner not aware of time passing her by. The sounds of the crickets , the only company she has ,lulling her mind to a standstill. What ails her mind? Why has she been transported to a land of  no return? A lone soul, watching life go by as a bystander instead of partaking in the festivities of life. Her body making her presence felt to the ones around her but her mind in a far far away land , much detached,  so alone , so isolated. Would she find peace any  where?

Her wandering thoughts keeping her mind busy, she gets up to go home…. An empty shell of four walls that resound with the jarring voices of those who call themselves her family.In her own world, mentally drifting she trudges along the road , her thoughts her only company. Suddenly the blaring horn of a vehicle racing by jarring her awake as she narrowly misses being mowed down. Perhaps…..its not her time yet….. No…. she wouldn’t get peace that way….. she still has to wait…. and wait she will. She walks on… with a cold chill running down her spine.Her life just goes on.