Saanams Mind

“Fragments of a broken heart lay strewn all around, Remnants of moments never to be found. I hug those memories so close to my heart , Dream of dreams that make my eyes water and smart. Those days each day when I had just laughter n a smile , When I thought no tears hereafter , not for many a mile ,I yearn for a time like that to come again ,To make me smile and forget my pain ..”

I get lines in my head at times when I least expect it Was in an auto rickshaw headed towards some retail therapy and as we stopped at a traffic light , staring at the road I saw fragments of a broken wind screen n the above lines came into my mind .

If you really look deep within isn’t the human mind such a complex mass of neurons? From fragments of glass to fragments of a broken heart it makes so many connections , sometimes unknowingly connecting circumstances and feelings to unrelated stuff.

Its also fascinating to look at how the state of mind can really make life look so different When you are at peace and your heart is full , the world looks a garden and each thing around the different hues of flowers around. The bees buzzing by are just a beautiful creation of God and you smile n revel in the life that is around you.Then there are times when your heart is heavy, when a heavy black color shrouds you. The same world looks daunting and intimidating like a storm all set on destroying you , the predominant color is black or gray and the bees buzzing by an irritating sound of pesky insects

Why am I rambling on and on about mind and thoughts? Because I need to keep it from going into areas that trouble and bother me. Areas that pull my spirits down so low that I feel I cannot even get a breath of fresh air anymore. I better put an end to this strain of thought right here right now and …move on to doing what I do best mindlessly pushing myself on to some physical exertion and expend all this pent up energy that my emotions bring forth.

This was just another mindless entry of another random thought. another peek into my complex mind

Some songs that touch my heart. Some others that have some old memories attached to them…all of them form a part of me . Just felt like adding them Click on the names if you want to listen to them .

Dil Tadapta hain by Mehndi Hassan Just when I heard this I kind of connected to this one ..somehow I felt that I could relate to the song. The lyrics are just amazing and I feel was written for me Aarzoo this one is for you and me.

U, me aur hum What do I tell you about this one Its really so so special to me & one I will cherish all my life. Shona n Anam this one is for us n will always be ‘ours’. Luv u 224.

Mumma by Kailash Kher Reminds of my sweetheart bachha Shona . She made me so teary with this one so many times .Love her.

Agar Tum na hote I share special memories with Anam on this song.. something just tuggs at my heart when I hear this one.

Aaja Meri Gaadi Heehee this one is for my Maddio bachha .. I still wait for that trip u gonna take me on, in your car. Hope we dont crash anywhere luv u.

Mere naina Sawan- Kishore A lot of memories attached to this one too . Amazing track that chokes me every time I listen to it.

Ghum hei kisike Pyaar mein Another amazing track n one I hold in my heart.

Gum sum Ye Jahan hei- Jagjit Singh A lovely one that Anam n me often shared a liking for . Love u gurl n miss u.

Bas yahi Sochke Just one of those Favs that I listen to often.

Roz Roz Ankhon Tale Special because was the first song sung by Shona for me

Chuimui si tum……….Memories hmm… only they stay with you …

Lean on Me A song I kind of love for the lyrics for that’s what I promise each one of my friends … Lean on me… hmm at times , I wonder if all of them would say the same to me. I know Shona , Anam , Aarzoo , Maddio n Macherie you do ..:)Thank you for being with me .I value what you are to me.

Jag soona soona A state of mind I am often in these days

Anam I could not find Gayee kaam se haye ye ladki for you . I guess there is something about Music that keeps one calm, that bonds, that makes you relate to one another. Music touches one soul and brings about a pure feeling from within . Many more songs , meaning a lot to me have not been added as the list can get endless. Enjoy the ones I have put up!

“We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone.” Orson Welles.

Today yet another friend decided to shut herself away from all friends citing that she had to punish herself… keep herself away from her friends,.What am I feeling??? I lost yet another friend I shared every thing about me with.. One I trusted with n yes my trust is yet again shattered…. but I guess the heart is numb from pain. Immune and as I have not yet recovered from the happenings of last year… I am watching the illusion of me not being alone disappear yet again. My eyes are dry as my tears have run its course and if there was anything else left in me, they die a complete death today.

As the quote says, we are born alone, n live through an illusion to die alone. I guess so for me its just about waiting for the ‘die alone’ part left for illusions are just that… illusions n I woke from mine a while ago. Relationships are purely of convenience for a time. Words are shallow n are said just for a moment and then one fine day …Kaput….when you are utilized to the fullest they all disappear because they no longer need you. If this is not an illusion then what is ?

“We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone.”

Hmm But then you have another quote that says “The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration.” Pearl S. Buck…:) Something to think about wouldn’t you say ?

Would I wither away??? Shrink into nothingness ???? Lets see.

A weird kind of fog settles around her. A haze of uncertainity, of confusion or more a disinterest in all that is around. A misfit that she feels she is , she wonders what she is doing still alive, still among people who just absolutely don’t give a damn. There may be so many who pray for a longer life, for a little more grace period to live, but she wonders why she is still here on this earth, why she hasn’t been knocked off for good.

As that mechanical smile, the mechanical actions of hers and the daily life moves on, listening to someone drone about the stock markets, someone talk about their children and then some discuss the current box office hits, a few waxing lessons about how to live ideal lives and more philosophies, she is drifting. She hears yet doesnt listen as her mind is asking her what are you doing here??? You don’t belong here…You dont belong anywhere… Maybe you just don’t ‘belong’.

A rat race called life. Is it worth the pain, the tears, the heart breaks, the fears? The silence seems more comforting than the noise around , then why not be claimed by silence for good?Everything on earth looks so superficial. A make believe, a fantasy that is no longer real. No real people, no real feelings. Nothing real except oneself. If you want to ‘belong’ think just for yourself .If you want to feel a part learn ’selfishness’ go after just what you want and forget the rest.’Myself’ that is the world…nothing beyond ‘Me’.

Is this what human life is all about she wonders. A race to get more for yourself? A race against yourself or a race against others for yourself…is there all there is to it? ‘Me’???

One day…real soon she will give it all up. She decided. Her relationships, emotional bonds, her life, her comforts everything and try and explore what it is to sacrifice ‘herself’ for the happiness of others. She will move ahead and work for those who need help…nothing for herself just maybe the satisfaction of helping another and being blessed by their smiles.

But is that selflessness?? Isn’t there an ulterior motive of seeking peace for herself there….??? Life..when was it ever easy to unravel???

A ‘Misfit’ she felt. A ‘Misfit’ she was.

Searching for some spiritual relationships she lost her way … all seemed so shallow ….nothing looked deep, all a front, a pretense to make everything look fine and dandy.But deep down she knew she was fishing in shallow waters yet drowning ,tangled up in the quagmire of her thoughts… A cobweb of mixed up feelings , a tangle of pain and laughter , confusion and realization, she was getting all tied up in the mess that her mind and emotions created.

Tangled …thats what she felt she was in this world. A mangled mess of human bonds, emotional bonds, relationships, thoughts and feelings. Gasping and holding on to straws her scrambled brain searched for some deeper meaning to life… a search for a light to brighten the darkened corner of her world ….but alas , her search always resulted in her stumbling and falling in the dark again.

What is that elusive thing that escapes her every time?. Is it clarity in thought? Is it peace of mind ? Is it oneness with God? Is it love? Is it relating to someone? Is it understanding?? Is it a search for truth?? Is it answers for questions in her mind? There she went, her mind again in a tangle of questions …. n then some more questions .

“Help…help me !! some one pull me out of this whirlpool, out of this black hole am being sucked into, help me untie myself from the tangle of my thoughts’”she cried but she seemed alone all by herself… then a voice said…” You die alone , so learn to live alone. The purpose of your life is to discover your gift, develop it as the work of your life and then give it away .That should tell you the meaning of life.”Looking around , she saw footprints that were invisible , she realized that only HE walks with her . As a warmth engulfed her and took her hands ,she knew she could move forward in the belief that God would lead her the right way.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Reinhold Niebuhr

“The first duty of love is to listen.” Paul Tillich.

As I sink into the comfort of a world of silence, I discover another aspect to it. The art of listening. In this world of so much of noise, more often than not we get so uncomfortable when silence engulfs us, we talk or have noise around to break that stillness. Oft late as I made peace with silence,speaking less, the want to air my opinions far far lesser than before, I have also learnt the art of listening. By that I mean really listen.

I first of all listen to my thoughts and listen carefully. Since I am in no hurry to verbalize them, I have time to process them better. I listen to every reasoning they give me, in a way bettering my relationship with myself and my relationship with my God. I listen to my heart, what it tells me, happy feelings, sad ones, memories, I listen to every heartbeat in me and I am on a path of a much improved understanding and relationship with “ME”.

I Listen to others when they talk. I dont just hear them talk, but really listen. To their opinions, thoughts, feelings, specially feelings. I pay attention to every lil detail of what they want to communicate with me and try and understand what they want to say and what they feel. Again listening helping me build a great relationship with them.

Listening has many tiny aspects to it. It doesn’t necessarily mean you have to agree to all the other person is saying, it just means paying complete attention to what the other is saying without being in a hurry to air what you feel about the topic, without wanting to pounce on them with your opinions, without wanting to correct the other persons reasoning specially when you don’t agree with what they say. Would be of no use as the other person may just hear n not ‘listen’ to you anyway. When you are in a hurry to speak your views, you are merely nodding your head whereas your mind is nowhere listening to whats being said, its busy forming sentences to say what you want to.

A Good listener is generally smart. By listening, really listening, you learn so much more. You just have to listen in quiet n sincere silence… in your mind as well. You don’t have to persuade the one talking… you just have to understand what they want to say. If you don’t, ask them, to explain it , without giving your opinion about it .

As you go along the art of listening teaches you to hear unsaid things, those which are deep within without the words. The unspoken thoughts, those which have not been spoken aloud and when you hear them tell the other person what you heard and understood. Then there will be ‘quiet’ for the other person will ‘listen’ to what you ‘heard’.

Listen because there is nothing quite like being really ‘heard’.“Deep listening is miraculous for both listener and speaker. When someone receives us with open-hearted, non-judging, intensely interested listening, our spirits expand.” Sue Patton Thoele……

I have found peace in listening as much as I have found in silence. What do you think listening is all about and do you feel listening helps???

The past year if not anything has taught me something. Its taught me that a little more courage than I have, always pulls me through anything. It does not take all that much more to make life better than it is. All it takes is for you to be a bit more brave than you are right now. I admit to having days that make me feel real real low but I guess I am brave enough to risk trying to look at the brighter side and hope for a better day the next day.

You can stick to that diet plan if you just are a little braver.
You can actually do better at your job if you have the courage to work a bit harder.
The tasks you hate doing, the ambitions you have set out for yourself, the difficult times you are going through, the miseries that bog you down ,You can handle all this if you are just a little bit braver.

Brings me to this thought ..How brave are you?? Are you brave enough to stand by the truth no matter what the consequences?? Are you brave enough to face up to your own decisions without hiding behind lame excuses? Are you courageous enough to face life and its uncertainities without hiding behind people? You dont actually have to climb Mount Everest to prove how brave you are…but you just have to gather a little courage instead of being cowardly .Are you brave enough to be natural? The person you are ,with no pretenses, no false image? Are you brave enough to admit to not being perfect, to own up to mistakes and ask for forgiveness for all those mistakes of yours that may have upset another?? Are you brave enough to stand by what you believe in completely?? Can you face life head on with a ‘come what may I will weather this ‘attitude? Are you brave enough to get up and walk again after life trips you and pushes you down many times? Are you brave enough to weather the challenges that relationships bring and yet manage them well?Are you brave enough to smile through all your tears? Brave enough to see hope in every dark moment in your life?

Are you that brave? If you are, you ,I guess have all it takes to live a life that is “Worth” living. A little bit of courage, a bit of being brave. If not…it doesnt take all that much to develop that courage… maybe you should try getting a little more brave

When I speak about love here, am not talking just about the romantic kind of love but love that exists in every relationship. A person loves you because they love you… no excuses , no conditions…its there and if there is love then it is there anyway , there is no need to wait or try to win that love. No explanations are necessary as explanations cannot make sense of love anyway. If one has this powerful burning need to be loved, or there is a powerful reason to be loved, then that love is very precarious and can easily disappear.

If people tell you they love you because of this, that and attach conditions then that is conditional love that will disappear when the conditions are not met. The sad truth is these people who proclaim to love you don’t really do so even when their expectations or conditions are met because they have a whole new set of rules and conditions for you to follow. This is more about control issues than love. So this is not actually love , its more one wanting a control over another’s life and sadly this kind of love doesn’t last nor is satisfying as once the conditions are met it is often found that a new set of conditions appear.

If one feels love is going to rescue them, that is a clingy kind of love and is dissatisfying as well. They cling so much to the one they love, initially the loved one may feel secure but in time it gets smothering and difficult to handle. They then begin to reject that love. On the other side, the one who rescues you again begins to control you.You may start disliking yourself for being weak and needy.

The only kind of love that I feel is real is the one that comes without conditions. One that just exists for itself, no reasons, no explanations no conditions no excuses…it just is. This love loves you for what you are, the way you do things, your personality, sense of humor, or just because of the way you make them feel good about themselves. This love is the ‘one’ one has to be true to because this person mirrors you the best. There are no tests for acceptance, there is no search for anything more, they are just being themselves and are grateful for it.

What would your thoughts be on this?

I had a dream that they would need me
no thoughts in my brains
so asked God to please feed me
he said stay on track and I will teach thee
keep me in your thoughts and I will reach ye
in this world, no matter how much I elevate
my God, my faith, my life is all I celebrate
To him belongs everything
and to him we bring nothing but our deeds
no money, no cars, no house, no needs
nothing but the harvest of our simple seeds
stop wasting time, start asking for forgiveness
if you don’t achieve any of the worldly desires
at least your life won’t be meaningless

I don’t think we’re thankful enough. We, humans want everything and we want it instantly but are we ever thankful for what we are blessed with? I honestly don’t think so. We aren’t thankful enough. Thankful to God, to people around us, to our loved ones..for everything we are blessed with in our lives.

Though I’m thankful to God for many things, I still think I don’t appreciate it enough as I should. Little things that I have been blessed with. The people who make my life so beautiful and make me appreciate so much each moment I breathe. There are few very very special people in my life who have been my great strength through some very difficult times. They have been there when I didn’t think I deserved anyone in my life. They’ve understood me when no one was willing to even listen to what I felt or wanted in life. So I’m very thankful to God for sending these angels into my life. They have been true blessings. They have been there to see me go through up and down in life and have encouraged me only to think and do positive. They have given my reasons to look at the bright side of everything.

Why are we humans so selfish? Why do we want everything but don’t take the time to thank God for giving it all to us? Why don’t we appreciate what we have instead of always praying and hoping for more? Are we really all about materialistic things?

Feeling very happy, blessed, thankful and at peace at the moment. We all make mistakes but whether we learn from our mistakes is what makes us different from others. I have certainly learned from past mistakes and experiences. I hope God keeps showing me the right path and gives me much more to be thankful for.

Here’s little something that has always inspired me to do my best and be grateful to God for all I have and God Willing, will have

Tere Rang Rang – Abrar-ul-Haq