Saanams Mind

I have spoken about silence before in some of the earlier entries and as I see it most of us fear the silence and fill it with noise. Oft late I have been contemplating on taking up Vipasana meditation… that is a camp for 10 days where you spend time with yourself and nature, without external interference of noise, music, phones,tv etc and where you dont talk with anyone. Its a way of spending time with just yourself and your thoughts, with nature …being alone. Its a way of just discovering more of yourself and coming to terms with yourself ,your circumstances and your feelings and making peace with them.

Being alone …when we actually find ourselves , it becomes a privilege and not a punishment. All the good work and your concentration comes from when you are alone. All your dreams dreamt when you are alone. Your best ideas come when you are alone,your solutions to all problems, your creations, your thoughts of wanting to make a better world come when you are alone . You see art and hear music better when you are alone.

Its the time when you drop all pretences and are completely true and bare naked with yourself.It is that time when you are in touch with your innerself. A time when you are most receptive to your innerself, a time when you connect to the higher energy that runs the world. A time when you speak to God and when God speaks to you.A place from which you absorb a lot , to fortify your spirit with grace, forgive your ineptness and fills you with a new resolve. A time when in silence, you can find the echo of your true intent.Its the highest place I think I can aspire to be .

Sharing your aloneness takes trust. It means revealing the innermost working of your heart and can expose you to the risk of indifference or the frustration of not being taken too seriously. It means risking the pain of not being heard when you want someone to listen to whats in your heart.It means allowing another ( it can be just one or two and definitely not more) to look into and know you as you are, without any masks, pretensions but as the the person you are ,with yourself. This is the heart of intimacy.Being intimate is being with another as you are with yourself .It means exposing yourself completely .It entails loving yourself and then loving another.

Knowing this is sacred and the risk you take sharing that ‘Sacred aloneness’ is a big risk , more so because if you are rejected for showing your true self because the other did not understand you, or just didn’t care enough to understand, you tend to recoil from the world, feeling your trust is misplaced, broken and the world is just empty or hollow .Though the thought scares me I wonder if I can learn to love being alone. Can I learn to share that aloneness with someone again? Maybe I can work first on learning to love being alone

Does the thought of being alone scare you and would you risk sharing that aloneness with someone?

“We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone.” Orson Welles.

Today yet another friend decided to shut herself away from all friends citing that she had to punish herself… keep herself away from her friends,.What am I feeling??? I lost yet another friend I shared every thing about me with.. One I trusted with n yes my trust is yet again shattered…. but I guess the heart is numb from pain. Immune and as I have not yet recovered from the happenings of last year… I am watching the illusion of me not being alone disappear yet again. My eyes are dry as my tears have run its course and if there was anything else left in me, they die a complete death today.

As the quote says, we are born alone, n live through an illusion to die alone. I guess so for me its just about waiting for the ‘die alone’ part left for illusions are just that… illusions n I woke from mine a while ago. Relationships are purely of convenience for a time. Words are shallow n are said just for a moment and then one fine day …Kaput….when you are utilized to the fullest they all disappear because they no longer need you. If this is not an illusion then what is ?

“We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone.”

Hmm But then you have another quote that says “The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration.” Pearl S. Buck…:) Something to think about wouldn’t you say ?

Would I wither away??? Shrink into nothingness ???? Lets see.

{Ok … a note for my family n frenz who read this…what I write may not necessarily be what I feel…I may just be reflecting another persons pain… So please dont worry about me.. }

A choked feeling…there was no one around…… her sobs resounding…. what was that clutching her heart?? Pain had its claws so firmly holding on to her heart, she could feel the blood dripping…. she gasped , no voice coming out…. just choking garbled noise ….. none to hear her or help her… she was isolated, away from this world …away from human beings, tucked away in a lonely place she called her private space….all alone in her mind. Her feelings raw, exposed and shivering for they did not have anything that warmed it.

Did she want to continue with this struggle called life? Did she want to breathe anymore at all…. why should she…. ?? What reasons did she have to continue  with this existence…What was left in her life??? A loneliness that surrounded all the time? A silence that killed, tears that seemed like it will never stop?? A  completely battered mind, a physical and mental exhaustion that made each breath a struggle. Isnt it just easier to let her heart bleed to death??

Wouldn’t it be so easy to just…… just…. stop breathing? To embrace the peaceful sleep forever?? To just stop trying to breathe ?? She gasps loud…. what should she do… she has to decide now… right now.

The baby’s laughter wakes her up from her thoughts…. the baby deciding for her…. does she have any choice ?? She has to continue her struggle with every breath … her responsibilities staring her at her face …. she looks around and finds what she is looking for…her mask … there it was…her faithful companion. She dons it , her smile in place as its been past few months…life has to go on like this for a few years till her child can manage without her help. She drags herself to her mirror and looks .Perfect!!!!!!!! No one would see what was in her , she had managed it again……. till they looked in her eyes.

Eyes that reflected it all…. blankness,bleakness, emptiness, pain, hurt, disillusionment and  sheer desperation. But who has the time to see her eyes?? Who reads them?? Who understands what she is going through?? NO ONE. Not a single person there to be her support…. no one to help her stand and go about life the way it should be lived. …. except maybe her false smile The smile that refuses to light her eyes up…. Maybe…. maybe one day she would be okay and make peace with life and what she faced but …. would she survive till that day???

I hope she does….if only …. if she only found strength to go on..

Just another day when those thoughts come and I decided to try my hand at creative writing as my thoughts seem to have no energy to muster anything positive to write about but I see a neccesity to pen down a few words as these days I seem to have no one to talk and share  my thoughts with. Alone and bereft as me, my thoughts decided to come up with a moment from the evening .

Sitting in the lone corner of the  park, watching the beauty of the sun doing down, the birds flying back to their nests after a hard day’s work, the warmth of the sun rays hardly touching her heart, she stares into the distant horizon , watching the lone tree standing aloof , in cold silence . The tree looked bare, all the leaves shed .The  old , garnly , twisted branches  pointing heavenwards as if in prayers. Dare I compare her to the tree??  She felt as bereft, as bare, stripped of all feelings,stripped of all emotions ,alone waiting for that blessing from the one above watching over her . In other words she was emotionally raped , bruised ,battered ,used, drained and bleeding. Would she see another spring again??

The moon makes an appearance as the sun slowly finds its way down, she looks at the moon, so etheral, beautiful touching the surroundings with her silver glow. She looks around and watches the tree, looking surreal , almost as if it was an artistes creation. Lit by the moons silvery glow it almost had a  look of  a delicate peice of art, giving it an air of fragility , as if a little gust of wind could blow it away. She wondered… would some moonlight light me up the same way some day?

The wind  gets chillier as the night advances, the woman sitting alone in the corner not aware of time passing her by. The sounds of the crickets , the only company she has ,lulling her mind to a standstill. What ails her mind? Why has she been transported to a land of  no return? A lone soul, watching life go by as a bystander instead of partaking in the festivities of life. Her body making her presence felt to the ones around her but her mind in a far far away land , much detached,  so alone , so isolated. Would she find peace any  where?

Her wandering thoughts keeping her mind busy, she gets up to go home…. An empty shell of four walls that resound with the jarring voices of those who call themselves her family.In her own world, mentally drifting she trudges along the road , her thoughts her only company. Suddenly the blaring horn of a vehicle racing by jarring her awake as she narrowly misses being mowed down. Perhaps…..its not her time yet….. No…. she wouldn’t get peace that way….. she still has to wait…. and wait she will. She walks on… with a cold chill running down her spine.Her life just goes on.