Saanams Mind

“Death is a night that lies between two days”. ~A Jewish saying.

Some fear death, others accept it as a natural phenomena but nothing can ever prepare you for the loss of a loved one to death. They are never going to come back. Never will you see them talking to you, caring about you. Never will you again feel the warmth of their love, never will you hear their laughter again. Those moments that you shared with them are only going to be moments you treasure all your life.

A friend very recently lost their mom when she gave up her battle with cancer a few days ago and it brought back memories that were hidden under a surface all these years.Thoughts of an aunt who was more of my mother haunt me a lot these days. I lost her to cancer 13 and a half years ago . Even while they say time is a healer, have I really gotten over her death? The answer to this would be a no. A huge vaccum is created by her loss, something that never quite filled up even though each one of us who were a part of her life learned to cope with it in time. Tears still fill my eyes when I think of her.

Everytime I hear of death, mourning, etc, I ponder over this. Does one who tells you they understand really understand the pain you go through unless they have experienced the loss of a loved one? We tell ourselves we are accepting it and that we are coping but as I have seen it , in time it just gets worse when the shock wears off and the inevitable slowly sinks in. The person will never be a part of your life again except in our memories and in our hearts.Yes we learn to move on and accept but the pain always remains as a dull throb in our hearts.

Death always brings about many changes. Changes in relationships…so many break ….new ones are formed. Changes in individuals…for better…some for worse. There is lot we question about…where we are headed, maybe the futility of the lives we lead. How petty the issues that we consider huge really are…. the purpose of life… so many thoughts for which we seek answers.

No matter how much we prepare ouselves, we just can never be ready to accept death of a loved one. Even though it is the natural progression of life, the only way our soul knows to move on leaving the body behind, we are always taken unawares when a loved one dies. At a total loss , left without bearings even though we know it happens to each one of us.And it will continue to happen. Many times . But each time it is still a shock. An unbearable loss.

Maybe it is time to acknowledge that life has so much more meaning than the little things that bother us. We have been sent down to earth on borrowed time that is real short…shouldn’t we actually utilise this leased time in a manner that allows us to grow and do good instead of holding us in a time warp…bound by petty feelings of anger, misunderstandings, grudges and hatred??? Because ultimately if you really look you will see we all land up in the same place…below the earth . Death the great leveller makes sure that we go exactly the way we came …carrying with us nothing but the body we came with. So why not really pursue what we are born for .To love, learn, care and share.

Death of a loved one must be just that… a firm lesson to remind us to be grounded …for God is the one who controls it all .

{Another attempt at some more creative style of writing }

She felt the pain deep within her heart…. a slow bleeding death of something. What was withering towards its end in her??? Is it hope? Is it faith? Is it belief in herself ? Is it her blind belief in the one she loved so whole heartedly? A lone tear making its path down on her cheeks she sees a lonely tough track ahead …. a steep climb up to reach towards what she had set out to do for herself, seek a strong self image, to make herself strong enough not to need anybody around her. To seek some sunshine in her life wrought with storms ….wait….there had to be a reason for her to face all this. This just could’nt be what she was born to do… This just was not what she aimed for in life… where had she lost her way????

She  looks around… was there anyone to help her through this…. somewhere she had alienated herself from all the others in her endeavor to protect the persons she cared for. She had shut out many people and crossed many just because they didnt stand up for them the way she did every time …. so what was she left with in the end…. a lonely  life where even the ones she stood up for abandoned her and walked away…. looking forward to making their dreams come true…. trampling on her feelings, on her caring heart and killing her faith and belief in human nature itself… was she really what she was called?  Toilet paper… flushed after use???

The tears roll faster now… “where…when… why… how could I have lost my way?”  The vibrancy of the sunshine she had in her looked like a pale cloud, the fragrance of the flowers faded into a stale smell, the music of her laughter that tinkled earlier , now muffled sobs …heart wrenchingly painful. What she needed to do was write an eulogy for the phase she had gone through…So she wrote …. ” I mourn for the death of this terrible phase of my life, one where everything looked bleak, hopeless and miserable. Along with it it takes away my tears, sadness, loneliness and  helplessness”

As she looked at the the distant sun she decides, …”No, tears are for the weak and timid, this is ME,  someone I respect for her inner strength…One who I looked upto for the strength of charecter….I cannot let her die and wither away this way….I deserve more”  She stands up and walks away, a new vibrancy to her walk, a spring to her step and a smile on her face… Life must go on and she would lead it the way she is meant to… with hope, with postivity and optimism …. A new day in every way.

“Don’t spend major time with minor people.If there are people in your life who continually disappoint you, break promises, stomp on your dreams, are too judgmental, have different  values and don’t have your back during difficult times…that is not friendship.To have a friend, be a friend.Sometimes in life as you grow, your friends will either grow or go. Surround yourself with people who reflect values, goals interests and lifestyles. Remember what your elders used to say,”Birds of a feather flock together.If you’re an eagle, don’t hang around chickens:Chickens can’t fly!”

Hope You Guys like it God speed !!!!

Listening to a song recommended in a blog  ….If this was the last day of your life…..pondering over  the lyrics, my mind as always whirling with thoughts wondered, if today really was my last day would  I have regrets, would I feel sad? Would I just embrace death or would I beg to live some more to reach for my  unfulfilled dreamz ??  Okie thinking of the last day of my life these are the thoughts that went on in my mind.

I can say this pretty confidently that I have very few regrets in my life. I have been someone who always went with what my heart said and that helps me to a large extent as I have fewer regrets I atleast have the satisfaction of having given it a shot whatever it may be.  So where relationships are concerned , I dont think I would have much to regret about there, for I either care n care  a lot or dont there are no in-betweens   I hardly ever carry grudges and always apologise and ask for forgiveness when I feel I have wronged someone . So no regrets there. Not even for sad moments because they are inevitable in life.

I have always felt if conciously you make an effort to be a good human being and try to hurt as less people as you can, make as much difference as you can in a few lives atleast, its  a life well lived. By that I mean being good to yourself as a person too and treat yourself with care as a precious ,living, breathing human being and treating yourself with respect. So that would also mean a life well lived to me as we hardly are given second chances in life, so the way  we treat others and ourselves is of utmost importance .

Reminds me of what I have been thinking of doing so often, record a few things I want my boys to learn Writing my will so that  I leave no  confusions behind me. I want  to donate  my mortal remains to a medical college after whatever organs that may come of use is donated to someone who needs it. I hope in death too I can be of use to someone .

As for unfulfilled dreams, maybe I should complete my bucket list,  things I want to do before I kick the  bucket and start getting at them one by one. I have started with one a couple of days back and have every intention of  following through with them. Even if I dont complete it, I atleast tried  and that should be good enough. So am sure most dreams will work out by then. (One is to visit as many places as I can in the world and see the diffrent wonders the world and nature has to offer, capture pictures and bind them together as memoirs **sigh** something I so want to do in my life…. but even if I dont its alright what is meant to be is meant to be )

Now if I get this done then I guess the last day of my life  will be one I could  face with upfront the way we should.

Such is our life…… so fragile. A death in the family and a lot of things came to a standstill. A call one lazy Saturday morning and then began the spiral of changes that came with the loss of a close family member. A vaccum created for the family members that probably can never can be filled again by anything or anyone .

For me it was a realization of many things… how people react in times of crisis, the value of bringing up children and teaching them how to be affectionate, how when push comes to shove many disappear and then the sheer futility of just focusing so much on the negatives of your life that you forget to enjoy your life or the happy moments that it brings along. Along with it I also realized how difficult life is when one is repressed emotionally for many years that even grieving for a loved one is not done .

As I went about my work , as many did disappear along their regular lives, I stopped to think why I had volunteered to do it when I was the least popular there. I realized that I always went with my heart and my heart said do it, stop thinking of yourself and this is the time someone really needs your help now. So I went on ahead and did it and I guess I realized what my strengths were, I realized when really pushed I could be as firm as the rest of them and more so every problem is as big as you want it to be .In spite of not being big on following rituals , I was the one nominated to do all the rituals. For someone who does not do much without knowing the significance I learnt a few things why they are done and began doing them.

With lots of time on hand, I got into the think mode, I kept thinking of the life of the person who had passed on, the little things she had done for people around her neighborhood, for the members of the family for her friends were all recounted by the people who came to mourn her loss. But among those who came were the ones who were negative, they remembered only the cribs this person would make on the fellow members and cry , all they saw was she cried all her life and went away.

Well each one of us leave behind imprints and I guess I learnt that life is so short, one day we are there , next we may not be , but the trick is to focus on what we count as blessings and get on with it instead of wasting life by focusing on what we don’t have.

Apart from that I learnt two things, the strength of people is seen when in crisis. Some who appear timid and quiet rise to the occasion, become the strength , where as the most those who are loud & appear to be leaders  making a noise always turn out to be cowards , shirking their duties. Well funny how most true natures appear in times of crisis as this.

I saw ones on pedestals fall, some quiet & appearing as rug mats rise in my eyes.

To me this has been a good learning experience. I know I am headed for an another change in my life. May be more responsibility. I am learning to talk less, expect less and to just accept things how they are. The changes in relationships with family , with my friends, in general with everything in life. Nothing seems permanent. Everything an illusion and yes more people are just into themselves and self centered. Not bothered about threading on peoples feelings, peoples thoughts , if one is grieving, if one Is sad. Ultimately the individual deals with it all on his own

The person who passed on left behind a legacy of relationships, some which may strengthen because of their absence and some that may break as they had held them together, for now the void created so big that it cannot be comprehended until its experienced. But Time stops for none and life goes on .

So another milestone in my growth as a human?? May be.Afterall isn’t that what life is? A jorney of lessons from life to death.