Saanams Mind

“Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.”– Anonymous

Isnt that true of friends….some of whom we make a ‘forever’ pledge with…. but does forever really exist.??? I dont think so. People change, circumstances change and people may drift apart no matter how much people respect each other or care for the other .I wonder what can really drive a wedge between two people who were inseparable before. I gave it some thought and here is what I feel can seperate friends.

* Other relationships -While some friendships are not tested by these changing dynamics, a lot of friendships fail when a third person enters the relationships.There can be a ganging up or speaking behind the back that can mess the relationship.There can be a competition for attention.an entry of a third person can cause a slight change in the relationship.

*Love and Marriage-Its amazing how everything changes when one of the friends fall in love. Suddenly they are always unavailable to you even when you need them the most . Even worse if one is single and the other gets married. They may prefer to hang around with other ‘couples’ rather than a single friend. The priorities shift and while two people mature enough can handle it, most dont…losing friends , unable to balance the new entrant in their lives.

*Children – Children demand a lot of time and attention and throw any household out of sync … making sure the parents schedules are planned according to their needs. This puts the parents out of touch with friends as people without the responsibility of kids can indulge in a lot of activities like concerts, nights out etc …which parents of lil children may have to put on a back burner for a while.

*Lifestyle changes- This can make friends move apart too. For example when among two friends who liked drinking together ,one gives up drinking…the other may not like it. They may have been buddies in college and in time each may drift into different habits while one may stick on to the same . Its only but natural for them to go different ways.

* Moving- When distance instead of making hearts grow fonder can drive the two apart. Specially college buddies who move away to start their careers always mean to keep in touch but the excitement, drive and ambition can create a distance, the geographical distance playing a part in it as well.

*Different paths- Sometimes friends who choose different paths have nothing in common to talk or share about… they may have less of a common ground to share on. Time changes them…they go different paths so they drift away from each other.

* Grief- This one is something that changes a person the maximum. Grief can in someone bring in so many changes…some for the better..some for the worse. Anger, disappointment, hurt,
helplessness all these associated feelings with grief can change one within while the friend watches feeling utterlly helpless and unable to help in anyway.The friendship may suffer as a result.

Nothing in life is a constant except change. With change most of the dynamics of a relationship changes….I believe a true friendship that is meant to last does as it goes beyond these superficial changes in life. It lasts if the two people involved want to make it last. I have had a few friends from my kindergarten days with whom I share a friendship for over 33 years. We still gel as well as we did years ago. I have real close buddies from the past 3 years…with whom I have been through a lot and they have been there with me every step of the way….
I believe anything is possible if you apply your mind to it completely. So are friendships. If you want them to last they will provided both want it to. Those who leave..they are precious jewels in the chain of memory we treasure.

What do you think changes the dynamics of a friendship sometimes?

A few days ago while in conversation with one of  Anam’s Cousins, someone asked him the difference between a friend and a net buddy and I loved the way he explained  how a friend is one  who you spend a life time with and a net buddy one you spend time with. That got me  thinking on  how the word ‘friend’ is a widely used  word, often loosely used without actually looking into the meaning of the word and often is the most abused  of all words as most kind of unexplained relationships are swept under the wide umbrella of  the word called friendship. Maybe people do confuse the word with other relationships that one forms in a life time.How many really do mean the word or respect the relationship called friendship? Or is it the most convienient word to use ? Basically being a friendly person I do converse easily but it doesnt mean everyone I converse with becomes a friend. A couple are close friends, ones I dont hesitate to share personal details of my life with , to me they are close or best friends, not necessarily my life partners, but friends for life. A friendship doesn’t happen overnite as one earns the trust, nor does it break overnite just because one
has an argument, it does break but mostly over a breach of trust. Either you trust them or they are not your true friends, they are associates. I guess I have friends and all of them I can say I have known for 3 years or more. They are my ‘Friends’ because time has taught me that they are those  I can call ‘Friends’ and ones I have placed my trust in.

**The definition of a friend ….”Friendship is co-operative and supportive behavior between two or more people. In this sense, the term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, and affection and respect along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis. Friends will welcome each other’s company and exhibit loyalty towards each other, often to the point of altruism. They are confidants, ones you trust you can be your self with. The values that come with friendship are :-
* TRUST
* the tendency to desire what is best for the other,
* sympathy and empathy,
* HONESTY, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth, especially in terms of pointing out the perceived faults of one’s counterpart,
* mutual understanding and respect. (*From The wikipedia*)**

To this I would add something called Transperancy, a friend is one you can speak your mind out to without any fear of judgement, or the fear of being betrayed. One you can communicate freely with. They are your support system, moral backup as well as the people who teach you so much about life . Most of the time they are two minds thinking as one . Two people of the same kind. Ones with whom you can be just that YOU for friendship rarely comes with “conditions”. It involves good communication like any other relationship.

Now to look at this word and the true meaning, it is pretty much a valued relationship….. to be a friend. But often we see the word totally abused by a few who do not respect the relationship for what it is. The following words describing different relationships are also termed under the word  ‘ FRIENDS’  maybe for the intimacy it gives or maybe for the safety cover it provides when someone is unsure of what the relationship is. Under the guise of the word ‘friend’ many abuse the very value of what friendship brings. According to me one should not call someone a friend unless they feel they can respect and  follow through the values of friendship mentioned above.

Net buddies, the people you are friendly with and may be spending time havin fun chatting with. Some may turn out to be good friends later in life but trust takes a while to build in these relationships. Most often people wind up calling net buddies friends .Now the term ‘Just friends’ well this brings to mind the bollywood style usage of the phrase, a relationship that actually is hiding much more than it is revealed by the two involved, specially when it is between people of different sexes . It is used mostly when 2 are in a  relationship, probably a physical one, but dont want the world to know about it .Hmmm is the usage of the word friend  justified here? Associates are people you know on a Hi n Bye basis but one cant really see the values of friendship in that relationship.They are people you may do one particular activity with. Maybe at work or maybe someone you play a sport with. But one cannot call them friends.Comrade-A fellow member of the same group one is in. Colleagues-  ones you work with.Now all these are loosely called friends when they are not . I would not call someone I have just met and am getting to know as a friend either because I am yet to know the depths of that person.

I guess the following quotes beautifully sum up friendship.
*”True friendship is like sound health, the value of it is seldom known until it is lost.”- Charles Caleb Colton

*”People are like stained glass windows.  They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.” ~Elizabeth Kubler-Ross~

*“Friends are those rare people who ask how you are and then wait to hear the answer”

You could share your thoughts or fav quotes on friendships .

Friendship- a relationship that I consider  one of the most beautiful ones ever existing. You get a choice to choose friends and each friend in most cases is a Gem to be treasured. At different stages in our lives we meet and make different friends and sometimes these friendships last a lifetime creating a bond never to be broken. A good friendship is food for the soul,, one we need to survive because friendship is love that keeps us secure in its warmth and this is priceless as it really does make you who you are. Friends are the family we choose  and in that sense are really precious.

They say changes are the only constant. So do friendships change with time or do some friendships last through thick and thin? Sometimes friends do drift apart and there could be many reasons like other relationships, marriage, children, lifestyle changes,moving to different places, grief and sometimes when we change the way we look at things. Some friendships that do not have a special bond do break or weaken
when all the above cited changes happen in life.

As I see it, there are some people we are linked  with in an inexplicable way. An invisible bond that you know is there.With these people one does not need to correspond on a daily basis for the feelings to last. You meet them after years too the feelings are there, intact, no discomfort, no awkwardness. Just pure love. That is what I would say is pure n true friendship. A precious relationship to be treasured. It is something that is
earned so cannot be treated frivolously and taken for granted. It needs nurturing and caring so one has to treasure it.

I have some wonderful friends I treasure , ones who I laugh with, ones I cry with, ones who chase away my blues and with who I have such strong emotional bonding that I know come what may, they are and will be a part of my life. I just cannot sometimes put my finger on what keeps this  invisible iron bonds in place but I always count myself lucky to be blessed with such friendships. 2 from school, 2 from college and a few I made friends with online,when I see them I realise how lucky I am to be blessed with so many good people and angels in my life.

The joys of a true friendship is a joy that lasts forever so make friends with care and never let go of the ones you cherish for rare as they come, true friends are the most precious gems one finds in life.