Saanams Mind

I have spoken about silence before in some of the earlier entries and as I see it most of us fear the silence and fill it with noise. Oft late I have been contemplating on taking up Vipasana meditation… that is a camp for 10 days where you spend time with yourself and nature, without external interference of noise, music, phones,tv etc and where you dont talk with anyone. Its a way of spending time with just yourself and your thoughts, with nature …being alone. Its a way of just discovering more of yourself and coming to terms with yourself ,your circumstances and your feelings and making peace with them.

Being alone …when we actually find ourselves , it becomes a privilege and not a punishment. All the good work and your concentration comes from when you are alone. All your dreams dreamt when you are alone. Your best ideas come when you are alone,your solutions to all problems, your creations, your thoughts of wanting to make a better world come when you are alone . You see art and hear music better when you are alone.

Its the time when you drop all pretences and are completely true and bare naked with yourself.It is that time when you are in touch with your innerself. A time when you are most receptive to your innerself, a time when you connect to the higher energy that runs the world. A time when you speak to God and when God speaks to you.A place from which you absorb a lot , to fortify your spirit with grace, forgive your ineptness and fills you with a new resolve. A time when in silence, you can find the echo of your true intent.Its the highest place I think I can aspire to be .

Sharing your aloneness takes trust. It means revealing the innermost working of your heart and can expose you to the risk of indifference or the frustration of not being taken too seriously. It means risking the pain of not being heard when you want someone to listen to whats in your heart.It means allowing another ( it can be just one or two and definitely not more) to look into and know you as you are, without any masks, pretensions but as the the person you are ,with yourself. This is the heart of intimacy.Being intimate is being with another as you are with yourself .It means exposing yourself completely .It entails loving yourself and then loving another.

Knowing this is sacred and the risk you take sharing that ‘Sacred aloneness’ is a big risk , more so because if you are rejected for showing your true self because the other did not understand you, or just didn’t care enough to understand, you tend to recoil from the world, feeling your trust is misplaced, broken and the world is just empty or hollow .Though the thought scares me I wonder if I can learn to love being alone. Can I learn to share that aloneness with someone again? Maybe I can work first on learning to love being alone

Does the thought of being alone scare you and would you risk sharing that aloneness with someone?

“Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.”– Anonymous

Isnt that true of friends….some of whom we make a ‘forever’ pledge with…. but does forever really exist.??? I dont think so. People change, circumstances change and people may drift apart no matter how much people respect each other or care for the other .I wonder what can really drive a wedge between two people who were inseparable before. I gave it some thought and here is what I feel can seperate friends.

* Other relationships -While some friendships are not tested by these changing dynamics, a lot of friendships fail when a third person enters the relationships.There can be a ganging up or speaking behind the back that can mess the relationship.There can be a competition for attention.an entry of a third person can cause a slight change in the relationship.

*Love and Marriage-Its amazing how everything changes when one of the friends fall in love. Suddenly they are always unavailable to you even when you need them the most . Even worse if one is single and the other gets married. They may prefer to hang around with other ‘couples’ rather than a single friend. The priorities shift and while two people mature enough can handle it, most dont…losing friends , unable to balance the new entrant in their lives.

*Children – Children demand a lot of time and attention and throw any household out of sync … making sure the parents schedules are planned according to their needs. This puts the parents out of touch with friends as people without the responsibility of kids can indulge in a lot of activities like concerts, nights out etc …which parents of lil children may have to put on a back burner for a while.

*Lifestyle changes- This can make friends move apart too. For example when among two friends who liked drinking together ,one gives up drinking…the other may not like it. They may have been buddies in college and in time each may drift into different habits while one may stick on to the same . Its only but natural for them to go different ways.

* Moving- When distance instead of making hearts grow fonder can drive the two apart. Specially college buddies who move away to start their careers always mean to keep in touch but the excitement, drive and ambition can create a distance, the geographical distance playing a part in it as well.

*Different paths- Sometimes friends who choose different paths have nothing in common to talk or share about… they may have less of a common ground to share on. Time changes them…they go different paths so they drift away from each other.

* Grief- This one is something that changes a person the maximum. Grief can in someone bring in so many changes…some for the better..some for the worse. Anger, disappointment, hurt,
helplessness all these associated feelings with grief can change one within while the friend watches feeling utterlly helpless and unable to help in anyway.The friendship may suffer as a result.

Nothing in life is a constant except change. With change most of the dynamics of a relationship changes….I believe a true friendship that is meant to last does as it goes beyond these superficial changes in life. It lasts if the two people involved want to make it last. I have had a few friends from my kindergarten days with whom I share a friendship for over 33 years. We still gel as well as we did years ago. I have real close buddies from the past 3 years…with whom I have been through a lot and they have been there with me every step of the way….
I believe anything is possible if you apply your mind to it completely. So are friendships. If you want them to last they will provided both want it to. Those who leave..they are precious jewels in the chain of memory we treasure.

What do you think changes the dynamics of a friendship sometimes?

“Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be attained only by someone who is detached”
Simone Weil

Attachment and relationships. Do they have to go hand in hand with each other???? When we speak of attachments, we speak the fear we have of losing the other, we speak of the fear of losing the acceptance of another. Attachments demand and when the demands are not met, we get hurt, we get angry etc.Attachments generally generate a lot of fear, hatred,jealousy and insecurity.So if you really look at it attachments should not go hand in hand with relationships.

Since attachment makes you depend on another person to make you feel good, you crave the acceptance of another person, his thoughts, his behaviour and his actions towards you making you feel either  good or bad. When that person’s thoughts about you change, you start to feel unsure about yourself, you get self doubts and an uncertainity about who you are.We spend  most of our lives in trying to get that continuity in the assurance of feelings of the person in us.Living in constant fear of when that person may not accept the person you are. So is attachment really a necessary aspect of relationships ?

No. So why do we get attached?

Every human being is born with an expectation. An expectation to be happy. So all our lives we scramble behind this happiness looking for continuity in this feeling.So expectation in something or someone who actually cannot ensure its continuity , certainity or consistency is called attachment.

Instead, if we look within and learn to trust who we are, trust in what we feel about ourselves and trust in the understanding of who we absolutely are, we would not look for this acceptance elsewhere .  When we fail to accept who we are deep within, we look to seek approval in what the others accept of us and thus we get attached. Others perception of you, your attitude, your status, money etc becomes what one looks as his value and in that one seeks acceptance.

Each of us look to be secure. Both emotionally and physically. When someone makes you feel secure, you become dependent on them to make you feel so.You feel good about being around that person . When that changes, you have a sense of loss, a vaccum created by the attachment you have with that person or maybe a thing, a place.

Relationships in reality should be free of all this dependence ,it should be unconditional acceptance of who one is. Its only when one starts believing in the absolute value of who he is, of what his purpose and place in life is , then one is free of attachments, of giving more importance to what the other feels rather than what one feels. That is the only route to Happiness.

How important do you think developing and nurturing relationships are? I  mean do you consider relationship building productive or an useless exercise ?? I was having an discussion with a friend and he was telling me the importance of relatonship building, not just to enhance our personal lives but for the professional lives as well. He impressed on me the need to build personal relationships with clients so as to develop that bond that makes the client choose you as  someone to make business with and to build loyalty towards your business.For example …it is recession time here but our family business was hardly hit by it because we built a good relationship with our clients and the loyalty they had towards us made them continue with us as their vendors and not pull out… yes both made a few compromises but hey , in the end the relationship stayed.

Isnt that the truth, relationships make or break you. A person with bad interpersonal skills and bad communications, two definite skills needed for relationship building, will not be able to achieve as much a person who develops these two skills. A call on a birthday, festival  or just a few minutes spent asking someone about their well being or family creates a kind of a bond where one feels that the person is taking an additional interest to get to know the person behind the name. That in turn draws that person towards you automatically.

Being a part of a huge but close knit family I realise the value of relationships as they are taken very seriously where I come from and  we are taught the rights and wrongs in nurturing them right from an young age.  I have seen how the family rallies around each other every time there is a personal crisis or death, how each one goes that extra mile to help another to tide over the bad times. If some one loses his job, the others are always on the look out to help him find another other … all this because there is a relationship, strong and steady built over the years.

In this fast paced life things have changed so fast that in our race to keep up we often find we have no time to nurture relationships. Its considered a waste of time or ignored for the lack of time. The trick is to make time . Reorganise your thinking and  reorganise a few things about the way you operate to just take a few moments everyday to show some one they are an important part of your life and  you consider them important enough to make a little time for them. To show that you care enough to think about them .Believe me it goes a long way in keeping the relationship going .Be it personal or professional.

How easy is it to let go of something? As humans we have a tendency to get attached to everything. Be it the material  possesions, be it emotional baggage, be it our attitudes, be it our relationships . We cling on to Hope.  So when it is good to cling on to Hope for it gives you some sense of security,it makes a lot of sense to some times let go. But why do we find it so difficult to let go of something?“Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.”

Letting go is freedom, letting go they say is ancient wisdom, letting go is acceptence, it is central to healing and it is a life skill we need in our lives. But letting go is never easy.There are somethings we need to let go of if we are to grow as humans. Fear, disappointments, hurts, grudges, depressions, addictions and bad habits …. these are the things we should let go of  but we  hang on to anyways. We know we need  to let go of them , but out of a habit hang on  to them. While material possessions are what many hang to to, as a woman I would say, most women hang on relationships.They have issues letting go of relationships sometimes even after they are over and just cant seem to move on. They can’t accept seperations or may be accept that the loved one craves freedom from that relationship.Reminds me of Richard Bach’s quote “When you love something let it go, if it comes back to you its yours, if not , it never was “. To me this quote speaks of true unconditional  love ,the one that speaks of letting go .

Got a few intersting points on the net one can follow in order to let go

# Be conscious of what or who you are holding on to. Only then can you let go of it.
# Picking up different thoughts or feelings to divert our attention is not the same thing as letting go.
# Fight emotions physically. Letting go brings about many emotions. Physical exercise helps releasing the emotions.
# We mistake fear for a shield of self-protection, but a scary condition is not fearful. Your reaction is. If you become conscious of your fear, you can change the relationship with it.
# Let go of trying to change people, because you are what is bothering you about them. Every conflict has two sides. Does the other really need to change? Or do you need to change your perspective?
# Love and attachment are two different things. The greatest love in fact, is letting go. Love is detached.
# Hope is beautiful, but also works against us. Hope makes us hold on to things that might not happen. Be honest with yourself.
# We love change, as long as nothing changes. Changing knickers or changing jobs or homes is not letting go. The only real change is when you change your inner self.
# Let go of ’shoulds’. The more we hold the idea of how things should be, the more we struggle with events as they are.
# Let go of your sorry self. You are responsible for your inner self and the outer world is just a reflection of that

“True love doesn’t have a happy ending, because true love never ends. Letting go is one way of saying I love you.”

As I watched a friend get completely  messed up because of a failed relationship , I realized  how much of an influence relationships  have in the way we are, our moods, our thoughts,the way we look at life etc. My friend let this broken relationship affect her so much that her health failed , her  whole existence, thoughts and actions all centred around one thought as to why the relationship did not stand the tests of time. Made me think of how much our life is pushed and controlled by all the relationships we have around us.So how do we learn to live a happy, satisfying, complete happy life inspite of a few relationships not going the way we want it to? By making those difficult relationships loving without being coercive. This got me reading up stuff on relationships and here is what I learnt.

As we know , we are a sum total of relationships, be it our relationship with ourselves, with our loved ones or  others. So its not surprising our happiness largely depends on how our relationships are. Our relationships actually speak so much about who we are , they mirror and reflect us as they speak of our strengths, weaknesses,attitudes, genorisity or lack of it, security & insecurities, if we are control freaks or submissive, our sense of caring, loving, our sense of responsibility and duty. Since relationships reflect all this and more, it makes sense to ensure that our relationships are a source of joy, happiness and warmth and not grief, hurt and rage.

Come to think of it , we all have sometime or the other been victims of helplessness just because we are dependent on another person for our happiness. Specially when the magical world of ‘being in love’ happens. Every tiny action, every small gesture of the loved one has the power to keep us happy, sad, hurt ,smiling. That one person becomes so crucial  in our life that we are affected by every tiny little thing they do. In this one relationship we see  dizzing heights of joy, tenderness, immense warmth, hurt, grief, tears , excitement , frustration etc. One person has the power to control you, your emotions, happiness, moods and  your actions by just how they are with you.

So if we really look at it, instead of being who we really are, we wind up being who our relationships make us to be. Our motives, actions, thoughts are forever being controlled by our relationships .So how can we learn to be our own masters and define how we want to be regardless of what our relationships want us to be?

First of all recognize that we can only control ourselves, our thoughts, our actions and our reactions. We cannot control another persons way of thinking or behaviour .Just as we have been given a mind to think and behave in a certain way, so does the other person. Just as we have been given the freedom to choose  how we want to be, so has the other person. So acceptance plays a big role here. Just accept that this is how it is, without fighting it.  We can be just responsible for how we behave , think and react. So all we need to do is to take responsibility for ourselves, without getting too bothered about how the other person chooses to behave. If they are doing things that do not bode well, it is their behaviour and they bear the consequences, you cannot be responsible for that. So you just focus on you, go deep within you, accept who you really are, positives and negatives included and learn to own upto what makes you uniquely you. Have more faith and belief in yourself than in anybody around and make a decision to keep yourself happy without wasting time on expecting others to keep you happy.

It actually is a pretty easy formula to follow. By giving others the freedom to behave the way they do and accepting it, you are gifting yourself with the same  freedom. this way you kind of break some bonds holding you and controlling how the relationships make you feel. You take responsibility for your own actions and behave with love and care no matter what , try not to hurt anybody knowingly and its amazing to see how the others react to that. They learn to reciprocate in the same way as unconsciously you dont give them room to behave bad with you. A friendly loving countenance  always pays off as most people find it hard to be rude when someone is loving towards them and they have no excuse for such behaviour. This way You control where your relationships are going too and enjoy the freedom of being who you are without letting relationships control you.

As William James Quotes “Whenever you’re in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.” So its all about your attitude .

Being a part of this internet world for a decade n more, I  have made a lot of friends, made a new family for me online . While some relationships seem genuine , some just faded away in time, making me wonder, do people really value relationships in the online world or are they a convienient means for temparory  ways of filling a void for many.

Brought to mind  a guy I met online about 2 years ago …. I helped him with his Masters project on hospitality  and adopted him as my kid brother. For 6 mnths he regularly called on the basis of the project and we had regular contact. I even spoke to his parents, met up with all of them and spent a day with them and was made  to feel really a part of their family. Then after about a year and a half, this person totally disappeared… I mean I call, I get a voicemail, I even called on his birthday and left a message, I get an offliner saying thank you for your wishes didi will call you when I get some time. So now for about 8 months all of a sudden this person has disappeared and all this without any reason or disagreement.I still am in touch with his family because I did make a connection when I met them and spent time with them.

I have had some wonderful relationships I built online and I value them. Probably because for me any relationship, whether online or off  it ,is important. I treat them  both the same way , as a part of my life , but I have realised to most people these relationships they have online are very shallow. Probably since there is the disadvantange of physically not meeting the person and there is a certain anonymity in the whole thing,people tend to take these relationships lightly , one day you are a huge part of their lives and the next you are wondering where they are .

Like   I mentioned , being a part of this world for a few years now, I have come across so many who are upset when their online relationships fizzle out as fast as they are formed. So many people broken hearted by these messed up shallow relationships and I have learnt a lot of things through these relationships . Never ever get closely involved with anyone only after a few days of knowing them.Most people do not even show their true selves and probably even fake the values they hold  just so to get friendly with you. Most even forget you are a human being like them who can have feelings and hurt as well. Friendships that seem strong and loving, break on small issues . Apart from that many dont count you among people who can feel as them , so even though they may at times make you feel a part of their lives, forget about you soon enough.

I just wish each person respected relationships to be what they are.Blessings sent from above.So what if they are a part of the extended family you have , they should be dealt with and treated with as much care as relationships you have around you.If only one doesnt forget that each one is a fragile human being who has feelings like you do. Every relationship whether offline or online requires a lot of effort , patience, love and care. It has to be nurtured and when you do commit yourself to the relationship, be it as a brother, sister, friend or maybe a romantic interest, give it some effort to nurture it as you would  a person you meet and  know because though you maybe talking to a computer screen, the person on the other end is made up of flesh and blood, emotions and feelings just as you and deserves to be treated as a human being and not as a lifeless computer monitor.If you cannot make that effort then there  is no point in even trying to make friends online is there? Or better still be upfront and honest about how you feel about online relationships so that the person on the other end doesn’t wind up getting hurt.

I smiled at the autorickshaw driver saying a thank you for the ride and his beaming face and ‘you are so welcome’ brought a stray thought in  my mind,  bringing to mind flashes from my childhood and people who left a footprint in my heart and made an imprint on my mind. Ones that last a lifetime. As I think about all the people who I clearly remember, ones who made me the person I am, ones who helped shape me up to who I am today, I wonder if we realise how just a little kind gesture, a smile, an action or a word of ours can make a difference in somebody’s life. If I pass on tommorrow, I would like to thank each one of these people, for  they influenced my life.

I grew up in a typical small town , a simple place with large open spaces, trees we climbed  and  we  had a wonderful childhood  though we grew up in a single parent scenario.My mom, one who instilled in me the right values to stand up for what I believed in,  One who taught me that with hardwork and dedication and sheer belief in yourself, you can face  just about anything. My uncle and  my aunt, my surrogate parents who looked after me when mom was away at work, one who never let us miss the fact that dad was not around. He was the kindest man I had ever come across and he thought me kindness got you so much of peace within. My aunt who after her husband died, showed me that smiling through your troubles and having a positive countenance at all times helped weather so many issues. She taught me how it can be possible to keep a family together inspite of  differences, to forgive and forget and to hold on. She taught me forgiving those who hurt you & forgiving yourself for mistakes made is the only thing that allows one to sleep peacefully.

I had an uncle who wrote books. I won my first essay competition because he helped me with my writing always. From him I learnt to love the wonderful world, words could take you to. A teacher in school who taught me  how I could  count on my strengths to help me build my confidence and  get over my insecurities and complexes. My hostel warden who at 80 taught me that you can learn to take happiness in little things, that age was all a matter of the mind. One who taught me how a lady should be.

Friends who helped me develop all my talents and encouraged me to such an extent that I developed  a quiet self confidence,I learnt to speak my mind, I became optimistic,I learnt to look for good in every situation, I learnt to smile even when it hurt and yes I learnt to speak my mind no matter what for I learnt to go with what my heart said. Friends who taught me that life sometimes throws such difficulties but how one can overcome them just with a faith in God and a firm belief in oneself.

Relationships  that left footprints in my heart……

People weave in and out of  our lives, often not realising how they can be such a big influence on anyones lives. Sometimes  a person passing by you, giving you a smile may just cheer you up or just an encouraging word can do wonders for someones self confidence, why then are we so tight fisted when it comes to showing people kindness, why be tight fisted with our smiles or just showing care? Is it so difficult for one to just smile , say a thank you , give a hug or just say I care . It may be of little consequence to you but may just make anothers day and brighten it up for them. It may be the only thing that gives them some hope . After all the purpose of ones life is to experience the fullest glory. While we know that there is the survival of the fittest,victory of the strongest and success of the cleverest, we are never taught the the glory of the most loving. Its only when you love wholeheartedly one experiences the whole glory of who one really is. Only then can we fulfill the real purpose of who we are and why we are here.

Silence heals but it also kills. A dear bro told me this and as  I thought over this I realised there was a lot of truth in this sentence. Isnt communication the key to solving so many  issues in any relationship, be it verbal or  non verbal? It overcomes so many obstacles because it stops the other person from making assumptions and  making up their own mind about things.

Each day when we wake up, we get up to some new thoughts, new actions, circumstances that are new. In each one of these there is a form of communication… a way to reach out and speak what is in our minds.So does communication help even if  we are depressed , troubled and keep ourselves quiet for fear of being misinterpreted, disliked, unhappy, uncomfortable or just more withdrawn from others? Some would agree some would  not.I would say its good to shut up sometimes . Specially when you know your words can cause a lot of havoc and hurt and its better to keep quiet and keep your thoughts to yourself, but sometimes letting the other know what bothers you may even help the relationship strengthen.

Good communication can move mountains and a lack of it may break relationships.More often we see long lasting relationships dont need  words, just a few actions may  speak  so much more than words. But we also see that a communication breakdown can break up many relationships as well , for a lack of communication stops the other person from relating to you and there is a gradual shut down of the understanding between the two and  this can cause a rift in relationships.

Communication can be very powerful as we do see that some words can be a ‘life altering’ experience for many. Your words may make someone change their attitude or way of looking at life and so may do a lot of good as well.It may give someone a sense of hope, a ray of sunlight in a dark tunnel that may change the way they live.

So Good Communication or communicating is an important aspect of relationships for they can make them, break them or just help manage them. Words are a powerful tool and should be used very careful. A lack of words are as powerful as they can make or break relationships, so they can heal or kill it. Communication can truly have an impact as to whether a situation is overcome or not, thus creating the opportunity for communication to be able to have such a power, such a strength and faith that a mountain of strife can be overcome and dealt with, no matter what.At the same time sometimes silence is the best way out when you feel words can cause more damage.

The right way would be to use both effectively and the right place as they can have some big  life altering effects on relationships.

“Real Love is a conscious choice made with your head, confirmed by your heart and executed by your person. Every act of love is an act of choice.”

Read this in the ‘Signature’ part of an email I got. I think I disagree with this statement.

Every act of choice is an act of love otherwise we would not choose in the first place. I choose something because I love it and without love I would never choose something. If we choose something which we don’t love, it would not be termed as choice it’s something which is forced. If you choose something because time/situation demands it, then again it’s not a choice; it’s a settlement or an agreement

When you choose something when time demands it, it’s a sort of an agreement you go into and not a choice, you settle for something rather choose it. If we have too many agreements/settlements in our life, it would mean that you are giving into lot of demands, and then it means it’s time to look back.

If we do not have any option then go with it…but then maybe I would not call it a choice . Well I would call it Life. I’ve always believed we don’t get to choose everything in life, and sometimes it works out for the good…so when it really gives us a choice then why not go and make the best use of it, go and choose the things we love? What if we have nothing which we love in front of us, then we must go in search of it, or may be hold on a little we never know what we love. I mean I think no one really knows until one actually feels it.

What if we really don’t have time to find what we love? Maybe that’s the thing we are doing wrong, always thinking about time, maybe we should let time do its work, and us ours.

What if I neither have faith in myself or on time? I think we ought to, faith is the basis of life forms, faith on anything we consider…if nothing then just believe in faith, anything you trust, anyone you want to trust.

What if you do not get a sense of trust in things we see; does trust lead to compromise? I guess then we should not see, and trust does not lead to compromise, rather it opens you up, it opens you up for the world and the world includes us.

What if we wonder will the world be bothered whether I am opening up or not? What if they want me in closed? I guess world wants us to open up and loves it that way.

You know, when we close the doors it’s our rooms which end up darker and not the world.

Maybe I’m not making any sense or maybe I’m trying to understand the feelings I’m going through at the moment. Life…it truly knows how to bring us to a point where it’s up to us as humans to decide what we want.