Saanams Mind

Time…memories…tears …reminders..

My baby turns 5 today. No longer a lil fellow. Amazing how time flies by. Five years of laughter, tears, memories, pain. new relationships, old ones , some gone forever.As I look at the past five years I wonder about myself. I have changed. Big changes in me , specially the past year. Today a lot of memories came tumbling back in my mind, bringing a small smile on my lips and tears in my eyes. Can that ever go away? The memories???

Five years ago after a pretty tough pregnancy , battling high blood pressure and balancing everything, when my baby came into this world, my smooth as a clock running household that consisted of my elder son and hubby turned topsy turvy. A wailing ,squalling, attention seeking brat who just turned me to mush with his smiles and antics. Sleepless nights, smelly diapers, worry at every sneeze and cough….my world centred all around him. Deciding to be a full stay at home mom, I battled my moments of boredom and filled it with the gurgles of my baby and music. Today when I see him speak and play, learn something new or just smile and hug me…the ‘I love you mama’ makes it worth every moment.

Five years…so many friends, new cousins, nephews, neices and so many new people in my life. Memories attached to each one of them. Some stayed and became closer, while a few were recalled by God. Yet a few more decided to break my heart and walk away leaving me to cope with the shattered pieces around me…trust and faith all in tiny fragments …blinking up and asking me “think you can put it together once again”???

Five years …a smile reminding me of things, words and phrases bringing back some thoughts.But the biggest reminder music…each song specially connected to certain people ….the lyrics connecting me to them. Circumstances changed and a few of them connected to the songs drifted away…..I gave up music completely. They were too painful for me to hear as they always made me weep and think about good times. But I slowly am going back to them now…learning to cope and move on.

Five years…so many moments of laughter with Anam n Shona and many others….the times together bringing such moments of happiness into my heart, a warmth that nothing can take away from me. Special people who I have been blessed with…Precious to me and treasured for a lifetime…No matter what I have that and can time take that away from me ?? No.

Five years … a part of which I spent getting to know some special people in my life…my kids…Anam n Shona .A blessed gift from the one above as they have enriched my life so much more …I thank God for these five years.I would not change it for anything else .

“Tears are words that a heart cannot express’

Why do we cry? We cry when we are very emotional. Someone’s kind gesture may move you to tears, someones touchy story may unleash tears , a moment of utmost happiness may make   a tear roll down your cheek . When you are real sad, tears have no way of stopping from rolling down your cheek. So are tears a way of expressing what your heart says without words?

It has been proven that emotional crying sometimes is very cathartic .It cleanses ones body of toxins and gives one a feeling of some release too as it cleanses ones mind as well.Crying though is not grief but a way of getting over your grief. As repressed grief results in rage , its necessary to shed a few tears to get over ones hurts.

Speaking of tears, I believe there is another way one cries An invisible way of shedding tears when your heart cries. A tight squeezing pain in your heart, one that doesnt even wait to reach the eye to roll off but just squeezes your heart strong enough to give you a physical hurt. This I call the tears of my heart. A silent way of weeping without letting the world  know how much you hurt.

Tears each one has them… some more  of a share than others…